SHAN
“You took so much care of me that night.
Are you sure you don’t like me?
Not even a bit?”
I scratched the side of my face and looked away, letting out a frustrated sigh.
This was what I hated the most.
How vulnerable some people were, liking the taste of simple care.
Show a little bit of care, and they’ll fall for you.
“I take care of everyone I fuck with.” I told her with no emotion on my face and just coldly stared at her.
“You’re not special.”
My face moved to the side when she slapped me so hard I couldn’t hear for a second.
I poked my tongue on the insides of my cheek to see if it will hurt.
I winced and massaged my jaw, getting more annoyed.
I stood up and got my things so I could go to another table where I wouldn’t get distracted while studying.
When I was about to walk, I met a pair of familiar eyes.
She even tried to avoid me by acting like she didn’t see me.
Too late.
I already moved the chair so I could sit in front of her.
“Can I borrow this, ah…” I got her iced americano and put it on my cheek to minimize the swelling.
Iced americano.
Her usual order.
I somehow already memorized her orders.
I assumed she was always in my coffee shop, but we had never seen each other here before for some reason.
“What did you do?” She was finally asking me questions.
Did she become interested in my life, or did she just really want to gossip about the earlier argument?
“She asked me if we could date, and I said
‘no, it was just a one-night stand for me,’ then she slapped me and walked out.
End of a tragic story.” I lied.
That wasn’t how the conversation went, but I didn’t have to go into details.
She wouldn’t be interested in knowing how I coldly refused the woman and how annoyed I got.
I started studying, which I was supposed to do earlier.
I just got distracted by two women.
One slapped me in the face, and the other one was talking to me like I was the last one on her list of favorite people.
Oh, I might not even be on the list.
I took my studies more seriously when I went to law school.
I started changing my study habits to remember things better for the recitation.
I started color-coding and putting post-it notes on the important pages.
Giving up on my readings was never an option if I didn’t want to get roasted the next class.
Sometimes, I would get lucky for not being called on cases I only read the digest of.
Not every day was my lucky day.
I needed to work harder.
Smarter.
My phone beeped again.
Arman asked if I wanted to go to a house party with them.
Funny how I used to host them before by renting available houses but now, it was so hard to convince me to go.
[You’re really not going, bro?]
“No, I won’t attend the party tonight.
I’m on a date.” I gave Kierra a wink, and she acted so disgusted, which made me laugh a bit.
[Your ex-fling is looking for you, bro!
She’s still teasing us!
She’s so mad and wants to break things.
Where are you?]
“My ex-fling?
Which one?” I stood up and walked away so Kierra wouldn’t hear what we were talking about.
[I don’t know her name!
Maybe Amanda?
Or Aneisha?
She keeps on cursing you, bro!
What exactly did you do?]
I massaged my temples and told him I’d be on my way before the call ended.
I just went back to the table and got my books.
I wrote a post-it note and stuck it on Kierra’s forehead before walking away, leaving a smile on my face.
When I arrived at the party, Andy, that was her nickname, was already seated on the grass, just right in front of the house.
She had a bottle of vodka in her hand and looked like she had too much alcohol.
I casually sat in front of her and raised one knee.
She sarcastically laughed when she looked at me and put the bottle down.
“You wanted to see me?” I asked so she would get to the point.
I still had to study.
She shouldn’t waste my time like this.
“You know, I really liked you the first time I saw you in the club.
You treated me with so much care and respect…
I thought you liked me, too.
I expected you to call me after that night, but you never did.
You also ignored my texts and calls.
Did you block my contact?” She asked, obviously drunk.
“There was nothing special about it.
It was the bare minimum.”
“You kissed me, called me gorgeous, held my hand.
We were intimate.” She looked at me with hope.
“You really didn’t feel anything?”
“It was physical intimacy.
You will meet another man who will provide you with both physical and emotional intimacy while also giving you respect and care.
It’s not me.” I pat her head before standing up and lending my hand.
She rolled her eyes before holding my hand so she could get up, too.
I took the bottle of vodka so she wouldn’t drink it anymore.
“If you’re a commitment type of person, go for another partner that matches your energy, and don’t waste your time on people who don’t…
like me.”
“I didn’t know you’re such an expert in love,” she said, teasing.
“Trust me.
I know nothing about it.” I laughed and put my hand on her shoulder so I could guide her inside the house and find her friends.
They would take care of her.
I apologized when I bumped into someone’s shoulder while I was on my way upstairs.
The glass he was holding even spilled.
“Oh…
Shan!
You’re here, too?” He gave me a smirk.
“Miguel.” I greeted him with a blank face.
I wasn’t a bit fascinated seeing him here.
I pulled Andy closer to me in a defensive stance.
“You know him?” Andy asked me when she noticed we’d stopped.
“My classmate in law school.” I replied her.
“Let’s go.”
I eventually went home that night to study and just had around four hours of sleep before I had to work again.
That was always my routine.
Sometimes, I just catch up on sleep during the weekend.
I won’t go to work.
I’ll create my own day off.
“Good-” I stopped when I saw her pale face.
Her dark circles were also more visible today, like she didn’t have enough sleep…
or did she even sleep?
“Are you okay?” She looked like she would fall with one push of a finger.
“One iced americano.”
Coffee?
Really?
“I don’t think you need coffee today…” I worriedly said.
“You know what you need?
Sleep.”
“I don’t want to sleep.” So I was right.
I was about to ask why but I just stopped myself since I wasn’t in the position to ask about her private life.
I was a very curious person.
I always wondered about the reasons behind someone’s actions.
Maybe I would overanalyze them sometimes, but it would feed my curiosity.
There will always be a reason why people would act the way they did, but not every reason was valid.
The feeling of knowing satisfied me…
but I still knew my boundaries.
“Pay later.” I told her because I wouldn’t even bother making her coffee.
I would make her another drink without caffeine.
Something that will calm her mind.
I went to her table to serve her a drink but noticed that she was sleeping and making weird noises like how she did before.
I placed the tray on another table before kneeling on her side so I could hear what she was whispering.
“Don’t… Please.
Just stop…” I could almost not understand it.
“Kierra, hey.” I tapped her shoulder so she would wake up.
She was sensitive, so she immediately sat and stared at me with shock and fear in her eyes.
Her hands were shaking, and she was tearing up.
I knew she was scared, so I put my hands up to show that I wasn’t touching her anymore, but she was shaking so badly that I wanted to hold her hand, hoping she would feel safer in my warmth.
“We’re in the coffee shop.
You’re okay…” She was confused, so I had to tell her that she was already out of the dream.
“Breathe with me…
Slowly…
Slowly…
Close your eyes.
You’re safe here, okay?
Listen…
Breathe in…
Hold…”
When I was about to leave, she tightened the grip on my hand, which put me to a complete stop.
I waited until she was calmer and ready to talk or to move.
I had so many questions in my head, but again, I wasn’t in the place to ask.
She will just be forced to relive the nightmare she just had.
“I don’t want to go home yet.
Let’s go somewhere else.”
I didn’t know where to take her.
I preferred a place I never went to with other people.
Places that felt like mine.
There was a place in my mind, but it was too far.
But she also needed sleep.
Long drives would be good for her.
It will give her longer sleep.
“We’re in Bataan.” I was surprised she knew this place without checking the signs.
“Don’t tell me you know that this is my dad’s province?
Are you stalking me?”
Her dad’s province?
“Funny.
This is where my mom and I lived before.” I made a mistake.
I shouldn’t have mentioned my mom.
“Why did you move?”
“Was I the only one who moved?” I could barely answer.
How could I tell her that my mom and my stepdad died while they were on the way home after I convinced them to let me study in Manila?
That they died because they had to go and fix my enrollment for me.
I didn’t want her pity.
“Did you leave your mom here?”
I just smiled and pulled on her hair tie so she would get distracted and forget that she asked that question.
It worked.
But I just saw her differently.
I could see her face clearly as the wind blew her long hair backwards.
Everything about her face was perfectly shaped and arranged.
Strong and brave eyes, shaped eyebrows, perfect nose, and lips.
She also had a nice smile, which I rarely saw.
_________________________
“You’re the only one available.” She said while eating noodles.
“No, Kierra.
You’re wrong.
I’m not available…” I shook my head.
“I made myself available.
There’s a difference.”
I kept getting calls from Neil because I ditched another party again.
I told them I would catch up with them later, but I didn’t end up going.
Instead, I drove four hours just to get here.
When we were on our way back, she was also asleep.
“Good.
Just sleep,” I told her while driving.
I even checked if she was having a nightmare again, but she seemed more peaceful than earlier.
“You’ve been through a lot.
Take a rest.”
KIERRA
“Take a rest, Kierra.
Don’t force yourself.”
When I opened my eyes, I was already in my room with Samantha seated on my desk chair.
I don’t remember how I got here.
The last thing I remember, Sam was hugging me because…
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
Ever since that incident… I never saw him again.
I wished that we would never cross paths again.
“I thought… I was getting over it,” I whispered to Samantha.
“I was starting to go back to my normal life… I thought I was okay.
I thought… I could do it.
Why is it like this?”
“Healing is not linear, love.” She faced me and gave me a genuine and comforting smile.
“Not because you’re getting hurt again or you’re feeling those emotions again, you went back to square one.
Your progress was still progress.”
I lowered my gaze to my hands.
I had been picking at my fingers for a while now.
I saw that Luna had put a bandage on it so it wouldn’t get wounded.
She already knew me well.
“When will it finally continue without stopping?
I don’t want this anymore, Sam.
This is so hard.” I said softly.
I looked at the door when someone came in again and placed a tray on my study desk.
Via let out a sigh and sat beside me.
“How are you feeling?” She asked gently and even touched my forehead.
Did I have a fever?
“Okay, your temperature has gone down.
Drink some water.”
My memories were clouded.
I couldn’t understand how they got here… how I got here.
Did I pass out?
“You slept in the car after crying too much,” Sam explained.
“Luna and I couldn’t carry you by ourselves, so we called—”
“Via, wrong!
That’s my food, idiot!
That’s not Kierra’s!
That bacon burger is mine!” I looked at the door again when Sevi came in to take back the tray Via had placed down.
When he saw me, he smiled at me and waved.
“Hey, bro?
How are you?”
“What is this, Sevi?
You’re even being stingy with food.
You have no consideration.” Luna said from outside the room.
“Huh?!
It’s really mine, okay?!
This one is Kierra’s, the one with vegetables!”
“Hey, Sevi, what you ordered isn’t enough!
I said a meal, so it should have fries.
What is this!
You can’t even do a simple task.
So disappointing!” I also heard Arkin shout from outside before peeking into the room.
“Hi!” He greeted me.
I haven’t seen this guy for a while.
I held my head and shook it at them before lying down again.
For some reason, I smiled to myself.
I could hear them arguing.
I should have been annoyed, but I just smiled because I liked their presence.
Having them around me made me feel safe.
“You’re so noisy.
Go shout outside.” Via pushed them out of the room.
Sam also stood up and handed me some water before following them outside so I could get some rest, she said.
I closed my eyes and covered them with my arm.
I only sat up properly again when I remembered Ciandrei.
I picked up my phone and saw that he had sent a lot of texts and made several calls, asking where I was or if I had gotten home.
I saw there had been recent call activity, but I wasn’t the one who answered it.
Maybe it was Sam.
After that, he only sent one text.
From: Ciandrei
I’m sorry for not finding you fast enough.
Still, you’ll feel safer in your friends’ touch.
Take a lot of rest.
I immediately put my phone back on the side table without replying.
I bit my lip to stop my tears.
They knew each other.
I didn’t know that getting closer to him also meant getting closer to Miguel.
I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t associate myself with him anymore.
I can’t bear to see Miguel again.
I won’t be able to handle it.
It might only make me worse.
But avoiding him was harder than I thought it would be.
Everything just became more complicated.
I couldn’t go out alone anymore.
I couldn’t feel at ease whenever I was outside again.
I turned down every invitation to go out or drink, unless I knew it would only be for a short while and Luna was with me.
I sat on a bench right in front of the UST field.
I just sat there, watching the people, as well as the sun setting behind them.
The students were already going home while I was still sitting there, afraid to go home because Luna still wasn’t there.
Some were training for football.
Others were just walking around the field, while some were simply hanging around.
I just watched the students and tried to imagine what they might have gone through that day.
It suddenly occurred to me that everyone has something they’re going through… yet no one knows.
Just like me.
“Do you want some?” I turned to Theo when he suddenly offered me graham balls in a single container.
He smiled at me and sat beside me after putting his bag down at the side.
“Is this a scam?
You might make me pay for it afterward.” I said to him with a laugh.
He speared one with the small fork and held it out to my mouth.
I had no choice but to eat it.
“Wow, where did this come from?”
“I bought it from the SHS students who were selling them.” He grinned, looking proud of what he had done.
I picked up my water and took a drink while he ate a graham ball.
“How are you?
Are you waiting for someone?”
“For Luna… I want to go home already, but she still has a meeting.
I just don’t have anyone with me.” I said to him.
“I’m getting sleepy from waiting.”
I hadn’t gotten any sleep again because of studying… and because the nightmares had become more frequent since I saw him again.
I’m going to the doctor Sam recommended this weekend because I can’t handle having no sleep anymore.
“I also have a meeting to go to, but if Luna still isn’t here after that, I can take you home.” He offered.
I just gave a small smile before resting my head on his shoulder.
I closed my eyes and felt the wind against my face.
I felt him freeze for a second, but he eventually relaxed.
He was being very careful with every movement.
“Sorry, just let me lean on you for a while.
I’m getting sleepy…” I said softly.
“Go ahead and sleep for a while.” I felt him move the hair that was covering my face.
The sun was still too bright even though my eyes were closed, but that quickly disappeared.
I just closed my eyes again and rested.
I didn’t realize that I had already fallen asleep.
When I opened my eyes, the sun had already set and the lights around UST were already on.
I immediately sat up properly and looked at Theo, who was still beside me.
I had been leaning on his shoulder for quite a long time.
“Sorry!
You still had a meeting, right?!
You’re already late!” I said worriedly as I looked at my watch.
“It’s okay!
The meeting got canceled anyway!” He said to me with a smile.
“How could it not get canceled?
You’re the President and you weren’t there, idiot!” I was startled when someone suddenly smacked him on the back of the head.
Mark Castillo.
Also one of Sevi’s friends from engineering.
“You idiot, we’ve been looking for you at the meeting for so long.
You were just here all this time!” Sevi also smacked him on the back of the head.
Theo held the back of his head and stood up to move away from the two of them.
“Oh no, sorry.
I should’ve woken you up.”
I gathered my things.
“Luna’s been looking for you for a while now.
Come on, let’s go home.” Sevi slung an arm around my shoulders and dragged me away.
“Don’t come with us anymore, Theo!
Dumbass!” He even raised his middle finger in the air while we walked away.
“I was going home too!
I’m taking the same ride!” Theo caught up with us, so we walked together toward the jeepney stop.
We just passed by Luna at the coffee shop.
That’s where they had their meeting.
Sevi came with us on the jeepney ride home until he escorted us to the condo lobby even though he would be riding back afterward.
He said it was already night, so he accompanied us home.
“Let’s eat first,” Luna invited.
“There’s no dinner at the condo.”
“Sure, where?” Theo decided so quickly.
In the end, we went to a restaurant that was also just near the condo.
They served Japanese food there, and Luna said she had eaten there before.
She said it was delicious, so she managed to convince us.
“If this isn’t good,” Sevi threatened while choosing what to order, “you’re paying for my order.”
“This is even better than your Mom’s cooking,” Luna said, completely unbothered.
“I’m telling Mom on you.”
“I’m just kidding.
I love Tita!” Luna immediately took it back before looking at me.
“How about you, Ke?
What are you ordering?
Are you okay with this place?”
I nodded at her before pointing to the ramen I had ordered.
Theo was seated across from me, solving whatever it was that was in his book.
“You’re getting it all wrong.” Sevi interrupted again.
“I’m not.
This is zero, then this—” Theo wasn’t able to continue because Sevi took his pen and solved the problem himself.
His hand moved so quickly as if he had memorized all the formulas.
After that, he circled Theo’s mistake.
“That’s undefined, not zero.” Sevi pointed out.
“Look at the given again.
Stop solving here already!
We’re about to eat!
You’re just showing off in front of Ke.”
One of my eyebrows rose as Theo shot Sevi an annoyed look.
When the food arrived, the two of them finally stopped.
I was still letting my ramen cool down, so I wasn’t eating yet… but it seemed I had lost my appetite anyway when I saw who had entered the restaurant.
Ciandrei was with his friends.
One girl, one guy.
The girl was tall with long wavy hair dyed honey blonde.
The guy was also tall and had a vape hanging around his neck.
The moment he entered, our eyes met, but he immediately looked away and turned to his friends.
“Let’s go to another restaurant.” He immediately said to the two of them, even blocking their way.
“It’s… hot here.”
“Why?
I told you, I like this restaurant.” The girl said.
“Stop being so fussy, Shan!
I’m so hungry!”
“We came all the way here, bro.
Come on!” The guy pushed him inside.
Ciandrei let out a sigh and sat at a table far away.
I couldn’t eat properly because I kept looking at their table.
I only came back to my senses when Theo held my chin.
“Eat already, Ke.” He said to me.
“Your ramen is already cold.”
“I’m not that hungry…” I said to him with a smile.
“Nice!
Then give it to me!” Sevi was about to take it when Luna smacked his hand.
“What?!”
“Eat, Ke.
You can’t skip meals.” She immediately scolded me.
I pouted and tried to eat anyway even though I had no appetite.
Ciandrei never glanced at our table as if he didn’t know me.
That’s what I wanted, but somehow… I wasn’t happy about it.
I wanted to avoid him so badly, but I didn’t want him to avoid me.
I’m confused too.
No… Ciandrei will only bring danger to me.
Nothing else.
It wasn’t good to be involved with him in the first place.
I already knew that from the very beginning.
The only thing I found strange was that I asked Sam if she knew that Ciandrei and Miguel knew each other, and she said she had never seen the two of them together.
She even looked disgusted and angry while saying Miguel’s name.
“I don’t want it anymore.” I said as I pushed the bowl away from me.
“You haven’t even eaten half of it.” Theo said worriedly.
“You don’t want it anymore?
Hey, Sevi, eat it.” Luna handed my food to Sevi.
“No way, I’m already full!
Too late, chocolate.” Sevi stretched before patting his stomach.
I hurried to go home because I didn’t want to see Ciandrei anymore.
I didn’t want to see how he ignored my presence as if it was so easy for him.
I wish it were just as easy for me to avoid him.
After that incident, he never texted me or called me.
I should be happy because it would only make it easier for me to distance myself from him, but I don’t know why I’m still waiting.
“Let’s go.” Luna said.
We all stood up, and Theo helped me carry my things.
He even slung an arm around my shoulders as we walked out so I wouldn’t get left behind.
The next day, before going to class, Luna accompanied me to buy coffee.
I just hoped I wouldn’t see him there, but with my luck, he was at the counter.
Luna went to the other store for a while to buy an illustration board.
“Good morning.” He greeted.
His voice was formal and cold.
“Iced Americano?” He asked without looking at me.
“Yes, and one latte.” I just looked at his hand pressing the screen.
“Bread?” He suggested.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded at him.
After that, he didn’t speak anymore and just showed me how much I had to pay.
After paying, I waited at the waiting counter while he busied himself making my coffee.
He looked okay.
He looked fine.
There wasn’t a trace of sadness on his face.
It seemed he had been sleeping well too.
We were back to treating each other like strangers again right after making progress.
Was he really serious about me, or did he finally realize that I was a handful and he couldn’t handle someone like me?
Or maybe… I believed his lies again.
Nevertheless, I avoided him first, so he couldn’t take all the blame.
“Here’s your order, Ma’am.” He handed me the cup holder.
After that, he immediately left and took off his apron.
I guess he had already finished work.
I took my order and sat at the table near the door to wait for Luna there.
Ciandrei went out of the staff room with his things.
He was already wearing a dress shirt and slacks to go to school.
He also had a leather shoulder bag hanging from one shoulder.
In his other hand, he was holding a thick book.
He just kept walking and passed right by me.
He didn’t even look at me even though I was looking at him.
I let out a sigh and massaged my temple.
That’s enough, Kierra.
This would be for the better.
I just slumped onto the table and lightly bumped my forehead against it because I was so frustrated with myself.
I only sat up properly again when my phone suddenly rang.
From: Ciandrei
Don’t hurt your head.
I stared at it for a long time before looking outside.
I saw him getting into his car and driving away.
Just then, Luna arrived, so we walked to the jeepney stop.
I just stared blankly while we were riding the jeepney, wondering why, even until now, I still felt something in my stomach after reading that message.
It confused me a lot.
I was scared… for myself.
I was scared because… maybe… this was happening again.
“Luna…” I gently tugged at the end of her blouse while we were on the jeepney.
She immediately turned to me, puzzled.
“I’m scared of what I’m feeling.
What should I do?”