SHAN
“Bro, you really don’t want to join?
It has so many perks.
It might be important to have some strings to pull here in law school.”
I shook my head while putting the books inside my bag after class.
I was so damn lucky to not get called today.
I failed to finish all the readings last time.
“No, Miguel.
I’m not joining a frat.” I told him.
I don’t know why he always talks to me, even though I don’t want to talk to him.
He had been trying to get me join the frat he was a member of.
I heard his older cousin was like a leader there.
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything about things like that.
“Come on.
I know you want it.
Come join us, bro.
You won’t regret it, I swear.”
“You can’t ever take ‘no’ for an answer, can you?” I faced him, irritated now.
I didn’t give him a chance to answer and just walked away from the room.
It wasn’t a question that I needed an answer to.
It just told me a lot about him as a person.
Because I already knew some background about him when he was in college.
I had too many connections before to not know a thing about him.
Miguel Villaflor.
Whenever Haze, Hiro, and I gathered, his name always came up.
— Flashback —
“Do you know a Miguel?” Once, Hiro asked about him while we were out for drinks.
He looked bothered and mad.
“There are so many Miguels in my circle.
Delos Santos, Madahan, Reyes, Lero…
The list is endless.
Be more specific.” Haze said, drinking on his glass.
“Villaflor, I think?” As soon as Hiro said the surname, Haze almost choked on his drink.
Both of us looked at him, wondering why.
Among the three of us, Haze knows the most gossip.
“What about him?
Is he still out there?” Haze asked, furrowing his brows.
“Why?
Should he be in jail.” I asked, laughing a bit.
“Shouldn’t he?
Didn’t he have a history of drugging people at a party?
I just heard from a friend of a friend.
Someone filed a case against him, but it was junked for some reason.
By ‘some reason,’ I meant his father.
Daddy’s always there to save the day.” Haze even mocked the last sentence in a high-pitched voice.
“Villaflor, you mean the mayor?” I asked again.
“His grandfather’s also in the Senate.
Uncles, all in the government.” Haze pointed out.
“That young man can’t stain the surname, so they do everything to cover all his shit up.”
“He’s a fucking monster.” Hiro looked so mad by the way he held the glass.
I almost thought it would break for a second.
“If I could just..” Hiro made a choking gesture with both of his hands.
“He’s a very violent person, too, I heard.
He likes beating people up just for feeling their breath on his face.
I must say a child with a big ego, thinking he’s above everyone else.” Haze continued.
“He must be thinking he owns the people around him.” I said, shaking my head.
“You know Judie?
She was in a relationship with Miguel before.
I heard lots of stories from her, like how the boy cheated with five different women, even impregnated one, but there was a miscarriage, but that wasn’t her sole reason for ending the relationship.
He slapped her once, and then she said she was out.” Hiro and I just listened to Haze as he told his stories.
“That asshole.
I’ll break his bones when I see his face, and no one would know.”
“How is she?” I asked.
“Is she okay?”
“I wonder.
Of course not.” Hiro whispered, letting out a heavy sigh and massaging his temples.
— End of Flashback —
I heard a lot more stories about him, so the moment I saw him in the same class, I knew I was bound to live a terrible campus life.
He never stopped bothering me the moment our eyes locked.
He told me that I probably did martial arts before, which I did, but I never told him that.
He wanted me in his circle for some fucking reason.
I don’t know either.
I never bothered asking.
I went to the mansion to drop off two books for Elyse since she wanted to borrow some novels from me.
It was such a wrong decision to go.
The moment I went out of Elyse’s room, Alfred was there, waiting.
“Come to my office.” He said in a stern voice.
As soon as I went inside his office, he slapped me using the back of his hand.
I couldn’t hear for a second because of the loud impact.
The next slap made an impact on the side of my lips, leaving it bleeding.
“Were you hiding your mom’s money from me?” He couldn’t believe it.
I don’t know how he found out.
My bank account?
Or my mom’s bank account?
How about my mom’s will?
“Why?
Do you want to get that from me, too?” I wiped the side of my lips with my thumb, flashing a sarcastic laugh.
“Are you mad that she never left anything for you after leaving her with so many things like…
Scars, bruises, trauma, a secret daughter-”
He held my jaw in his hand, getting more mad.
“Don’t talk about Elyse like that.” He said under his gritted teeth.
I got out of his hold by wrapping my fingers around his neck and cornering him against the wall, choking him tightly as I watched him struggle to catch his breath.
“Oh, no, don’t get me wrong.
This is not Eli’s fault…
This is all yours.” I tightened my hold on his neck.
All I saw was a monster.
I couldn’t stop myself.
“What?
You want to kill me?” He was struggling to get the words out, but I still understood.
“You want to get back at me?
Then kill…
me…
now.” He managed to give me an arrogant smile, pleased to see me turn into the same monster as he was.
“Do you want to die?
Don’t you think that’s too easy, Dad?” I mocked.
“Kill…
Me…” He held my wrist.
“So I could be dead…
like your…
mother.”
That was it.
I was blinded with rage.
He was already getting pale and pulling on my wrist so he could breathe for a second.
I watched him struggle until I was snapped back to my senses and immediately let him go.
I watched him catch his breath.
The moment he laid his eyes on me, he smirked.
I clenched my fist tighter, stopping myself again.
Eventually, I was pulled away from him by an arm wrapped around my neck.
“Ciandrei!” Kuya Roel yelled at me.
Alfred was still on the floor, holding his chest and trying to catch his breath.
My knees felt weak as I stared at my hands.
The ones that almost…
almost killed a person.
My tears started pooling in my eyes as the medics hurriedly went in to check on my dad’s condition.
Kuya Roel dragged me away from the room, forcing me to stand up.
“Let’s go, before Elyse sees you.” His voice was firm.
I dwelled on it the whole night.
I couldn’t sleep at all.
I was thinking of visiting my doctor again because…
that was not me.
For a second, I was out of it.
I shouldn’t have done that.
I shouldn’t…
What if I was…
I was becoming like him?
I isolated myself from people, afraid that I would suddenly have the urge to hurt them like what he did to me.
And…
like what I did to him.
I tried distracting myself…
but I still had to be out there.
____________________________
“Do you have a problem with something else?
You’re just distracting yourself right now.”
When Kierra asked me that, I knew that she was starting to learn how to read me, too.
I should be more careful.
“Just had a fight.” I slightly covered the bruise with my hand.
“Did a woman punch you?”
“Not a woman.” My dad…
and oh, I almost killed him, too.
What would be her reaction if I said that?
I couldn’t get my thoughts out of my mind.
I wanted more of her time when she told me she was about to go home.
I wanted more of her presence.
It helped me get distracted for a moment.
An escape…
that I probably shouldn’t do, but once should be okay, right?
We went to the rooftop bar I frequently went to whenever I wanted to be alone.
I liked windy places like the beach, rooftop, and mountains.
It made me calmer.
I leaned against the railings and felt the breeze, with my eyes closed.
“It looks nice up here, right?” I looked at her and smiled.
Not the kind of smile that I forced myself to make.
It just sort of formed when I looked at her.
When she asked me about having a girlfriend, I knew I had to say the truth.
I had to give her an idea about my view on relationships, so she wouldn’t want something more if ever she did.
“But did you love them?”
Love?
“I don’t know how to love.” I honestly told her.
With that, she said nothing.
Was I expecting her to refute?
I wasn’t expecting anything from her…
but I also did not expect her to catch my after-sex state when she went to my condo to get her things in my car.
The woman I just had sex with left my condo so early in the morning.
When I heard another knock, I assumed that she forgot something.
“What?
Do you want more-” I stopped with my joke when I saw a different woman.
I immediately closed the door and ran to my bedroom to get dressed.
Fuck, it was Kierra.
I didn’t know why I was panicking, but I certainly didn’t expect to see her here.
“My bag…
it’s in your car.” She said when I opened the door again.
“Ah…
Wait.
I’ll get it.
You can stay inside for a moment.” Right.
She left it in my car.
“I don’t want to— I’m afraid that might— ”
“Shan!
I knew it!
You fucker!” Ah…
Another one from last week, wasn’t it?
“Is this why you won’t answer my calls?!
You have another girl now!
Why?!
Do I not satisfy you?!”
“Oh my god..” I massaged my temple.
“Go inside, and we’ll talk.” I was starting to get irritated.
“Are you sure we’re just going to talk?” She suddenly changed her tone.
“I mean…
What if we do other things…”
“Didn’t you come here for that?” I needed to talk her out of it.
A second time will never happen.
“Either you go inside, or you leave.”
When Kierra and I went to the parking lot to get her things, I blurted something I never thought of saying out loud.
“Don’t worry…
I’ll make the girl leave.”
I was really going to make her leave…
but why did I tell her?
Was it so important for her to know?
She said she didn’t care, and it hurt a little.
I tried to play it off, but it started bothering me.
________________________
“I don’t do it twice, remember?
Leave.” I told the woman.
“And don’t come here ever again.”
Having women in my old condo started bothering me, so I decided to stay in my condo in BGC more.
It’s more peaceful there and no one knows about my unit except my friends.
I found myself on the couch at night, staring at the ceiling.
The sex…
Last time…
I didn’t enjoy it.
I had to fake it.
What happened to me?
Is this what I’ve been waiting for?
That sooner or later, I will get tired of it.
It won’t satisfy me anymore.
____________________________
[Isn’t it obvious?
You’re in love.] Hiro laughed through the video call.
[Other women don’t seem to satisfy you anymore because you only want one person.]
“That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.
Don’t say that again.” I rolled my eyes.
[Am I right?
You told me you’ve been seeing the woman who paid you four thousand?]
“Yes, but that’s not the reason.
Not everything is related to her,” I hissed, getting a bit defensive.
I hope he didn’t notice.
[Oh, trust me, Shan…] He laughed again.
[It’s all about her.]
KIERRA
“Her?
Oh, that’s Helen.
Why are you asking?”
When Samantha and I were together, I couldn’t stop myself from asking about the girl who was always with Ciandrei in his Instagram stories.
She was also the one I saw before… at the Japanese restaurant.
She looked so gorgeous that I started to think she was exactly his type.
“They’re just friends, babe!
Don’t worry!” Sam laughed and patted my shoulder.
I wasn’t worried!
I was just curious!
But I couldn’t stop the thoughts running through my head.
I kept going back to the coffee shop just to see if he was there and whether he would talk to me.
He was there, but he didn’t pay any attention to me, except whenever he took my order.
That was when I realized that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, so I should do the same.
I stopped going there just to see him.
Just like before, I only studied there and sometimes spent time there whenever I couldn’t sleep.
The visit to the doctor helped me with my sleeping schedule.
— Flashback —
“When was the last time you had a nightmare?” Dr.
Peja asked.
I was seated across from her on a comfortable couch.
She gave me something to hold, like a small ball, so I would stop playing with my fingers until they bled.
“Yesterday.” I told her when I visited last Saturday.
“Do you always dream of the same scenario?” She asked again.
I shook my head, looking down and squeezing the ball in my hand.
“No… It’s like a puzzle.
Different scenarios but all on the same night, usually.
On some other nights, though it’s kind of rare, I also dream of other scenarios but with the same nature of events.
He’s… hurting me or is about to.”
“You said all on the same night.
Which night are you referring to?”
“The night when I got hospitalized.”
I still couldn’t tell her everything that happened that night.
I was still warming up.
I never told anyone except my old doctor.
Dr.
Peja never forced me to go into details, so I never felt pressured, but I knew I should start telling her… slowly.
— End of Flashback —
“How are you these days, baby?” Mommy asked when we met for lunch.
She and Daddy visited Luna and me and invited us to eat out, but Luna was busy, so it was just Mommy, Daddy, and me.
“I’m good, Mommy.” I lied.
“I’m doing great.” Another lie.
“You’re not having trouble sleeping anymore?” Daddy asked, worried about me.
It took a lot of strength for me to give them a smile.
I didn’t want them to worry about me anymore.
I can’t imagine what they felt when they saw me lying in that hospital bed.
They were probably so devastated and hurt.
I didn’t want that to happen again.
“No, Dad… I’m fine.” I told him with a fake smile.
But no, Dad… I wasn’t fine at all because I saw him again.
I was devastated again.
My life was ruined again.
I started going to the doctor again because I wasn’t getting better.
In fact, I was getting worse every night.
And only now was I starting to pick myself up again.
Slowly.
I had no one to tell.
I didn’t want to tell Luna because I didn’t want to become a burden to her.
She had a lot to take care of at school right now.
It’s a good thing I was going to the doctor.
That’s the only place where I let everything out.
“Ke… Look, oh.
The flowers are so beautiful now.” Mommy came over to me and showed me the flowers.
She had planted them before, and now they looked so beautiful.
My mom and I liked flowers.
“You should come visit.
Come home too, okay?”
I knew it was her way of saying she missed me at home.
I smiled and rested my head on her shoulder.
I loved my parents a lot.
They were always there for me, loving me and supporting me.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t give back as much love as they give me.
What could I do?
I couldn’t even love myself anymore.
“I’ll come home soon too, Mommy,” I said to her.
“I missed both of you.”
I felt safe in their arms.
If only I could go back to my childhood… the time when I had nothing to worry about.
I was just happy.
Just happy at home.
Just happy with my friends and family.
_________________________
“You’re here too.” I was startled when Theo sat across from me.
I was at Yesterday’s Coffee making a sketch.
He was still wearing his uniform and holding an iced drink in one hand, which he had just placed on the table.
“So this has become your favorite too, huh…” I teased him.
“Looks like you’re coming here more often now.”
“Ever since you brought me here, I keep coming back.
There must be some kind of love potion here.” He also placed his things on the table and started studying.
It was only starting to get dark outside.
Ciandrei wasn’t at the counter.
He was probably still in class.
“You’re alone?” I asked, looking around.
“Like… on a date?”
“I don’t have a date.
It’s just me.
Theo.” He joked.
“Poor you.
Fine, I’ll be your date for today instead.” I laughed and continued what I was doing on my sketch pad.
He couldn’t respond right away and even choked on his drink.
“Just today?” He asked me.
I frowned and looked at him again.
He was now resting his chin on his hand and staring at me instead of what he was studying.
I laughed and just shook my head at his joke.
“You want to date me every day?
Court me first.
I’m not easy.” I grinned at him before taking a sip of my coffee.
“Hmm… If that’s the case, may I court you?” He raised one eyebrow.
I stared at him for a moment before laughing.
“You’re always joking.” I almost believed him.
He had sounded so serious.
“Ha-ha…” He looked away and just drank from his drink again, not knowing what to say anymore.
I smiled and shook my head before going back to what I was doing.
He also started solving all sorts of problems.
It was already dark outside when I felt a familiar presence pass by my side.
I looked up and saw Ciandrei walking straight into the staff room.
A few minutes later, he came out to the counter, already wearing his apron. Enjoying the story? Read on at g.com.
I didn’t know if he had seen me, but he wasn’t looking in my direction.
“Who are you looking at?” Theo turned toward the counter.
“Do you want to order again?
I’ll buy it for you.”
“No, idiot!” I immediately stopped him from standing up.
I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down into his seat.
“Just stay there.
I’ll buy it myself.”
I walked toward the counter.
With every passing second, my heart beat faster and faster from how nervous I was.
It had been a long time again since I had seen him here.
When I was finally standing in front of him, he didn’t even look at me and just kept pressing buttons on the monitor.
“What’s your order, Ma’am?” He asked, still not looking at me.
“Two slices of Oreo cheesecake.
That’s all.” I said to him.
He nodded and tapped on the monitor.
“Oh… Is the Sakura drink available?”
“For you or for him?” When our eyes met, I caught my breath.
He was staring at me darkly.
“For him?” I didn’t want to admit it was for me.
“Unavailable.” He said, lowering his gaze back to the monitor.
“For me.” I changed my answer.
He paused for a moment before looking straight into my eyes.
“Unavailable.” He repeated, more firmly this time, before handing me the receipt.
I bit my lower lip before placing the payment on the small tray.
“Please wait at your table.”
When I returned to the table, I couldn’t focus on what I was doing anymore.
I closed my sketch pad and just started bothering Theo while he was studying.
I asked him all sorts of random questions even though they were pointless.
He still answered them anyway.
“Your order.”
I looked up at Ciandrei as he placed the two plates of cheesecake on our table.
Theo immediately moved his book aside, causing the drink he was having to get knocked over.
Before it could hit the floor, Ciandrei caught the glass.
The contents still spilled, though.
“Shit, I’m sorry!” Theo stood up to wipe the floor with some tissue, but Ciandrei shook his head at him.
“Charlie, clean this floor up.” Ciandrei called over one of the staff before walking away without another word.
I just followed him with my eyes until he disappeared into the staff room.
“That’s so embarrassing.
Do you think I’ll still be able to come back here?” Theo asked me worriedly.
I just laughed at him, unable to say anything.
Because of that, we ended up leaving after the floor was cleaned since Theo said he was too embarrassed.
He took me home, and I just continued what I had been doing there.
Luna was busy painting on the floor.
That’s what she does whenever she has nothing to do.
The floor was covered with newspapers again.
She even had a little paint on her face when she looked at me and smiled.
“How was it?
Where did you go?
Can you go by yourself now?” she asked me.
“I just went to the café.
It’s close by.” I said to her, and she nodded.
“You went to see him again?”
I stopped just as I was about to enter my room when she asked that.
When I looked back at her, she was waiting for my answer.
“No… I studied,” I said to her.
I really did study there.
I mean… I tried to.
“But he was there?”
I nodded.
“And… you two didn’t talk?”
This time, I shook my head.
“Hmm… Then he must not like you that much, then?”
“He never said he liked me.” I replied.
“I’m the one who’s… like this.
I feel like I’m the problem…”
I feel like this is happening again… I’m putting myself in danger.
I keep thinking it’s my fault again whenever I get hurt.
I’m the one who keeps falling for it.
“You’re not the problem, Ke.” Luna said clearly to me.
“There’s nothing wrong with you.
Maybe he’s just being careful?
You know what happened the last time in BGC.
Maybe he knows?”
She fed some ideas into my mind.
“It’s impossible for him to know.” I replied.
“They’re friends…” I felt my heart sink in my chest.
“They wouldn’t still be friends now if he knew what kind of person he is.”
“Are you sure they’re friends?” One of her eyebrows rose at me.
I didn’t answer and just went into my room to throw myself onto the bed.
I stared at the ceiling again, wondering if what I was doing now was right.
Maybe… I have too much on my plate right now.
I should never act on my feelings.
The last time I got into a relationship, it turned into a disaster.
Maybe he could be different… Maybe he would treat me differently.
Those were the thoughts I wanted to set aside.
It wasn’t like he was willing to be in a relationship with me.
He had already made it clear that he didn’t know how to love and that he didn’t want anything serious.
It was a game all along… and I already knew I had lost.
I lost, but I didn’t have to let him know that.
He would never know I lost if I never confessed my feelings to him.
Am I really that gullible?
Do I really fall for people that easily?
Am I really a magnet for tragedy?
All the thoughts boiled down to blaming myself again.
It had to stop.
I didn’t have a good sleep, but not a bad sleep either.
I couldn’t remember my dream, and I woke up at dawn, but I fell asleep again right away.
I only went to school to submit my plates and take a quiz, then we were dismissed early.
“Are you going to the coffee shop again?” Luna asked me as we walked outside.
Via suddenly disappeared.
Maybe she had another date with Arkin or whatever.
“I’m just dropping by.” That was the truth.
I really just wanted coffee.
I was only going to buy one and head home right away because I didn’t have any deadlines for tomorrow.
I didn’t have to study or make plates anymore.
“Do you want someone to come with you?” She asked carefully again.
I immediately shook my head.
I could handle myself there now.
Besides, I didn’t want her coming with me because she might tease me if she saw Ciandrei there.
We rode the jeepney together and got off together.
The only difference was that she headed straight to the condo while I went to the coffee shop.
I didn’t know whether I should hope he wasn’t there or hope he was.
But it was the latter.
As soon as I went inside, I already saw him at the counter, talking to the other guy at the cashier.
I assumed he was teaching him because he was new.
He looked pale when I came closer.
He only glanced at me before saying something to the new employee.
The employee nodded and went into the staff room.
“What’s your order for today, Ma’am?” He asked formally.
“Sakura drink.
Is it available now?” I tried.
He looked at me and bit his lower lip, thinking.
He shook his head and lowered his gaze to the monitor, avoiding my eyes.
“Why are you doing this?” His voice was hoarse.
“Are you sick?” I asked because he didn’t look okay.
He didn’t look as healthy as he had before.
“I’m fine.” He cleared his throat.
“Excuse me.”
He immediately turned his back on me and called the new employee over to take my order before escaping into the staff room.
I left the counter and walked around to the other side, heading to the other door of the staff room to knock.
I could see him through the small glass window on the door.
He was sitting down, drinking water.
When he didn’t pay any attention to me, I went inside, making him almost spit out the water he was drinking.
“I’m sure it says ‘staff room’ out there.” He said with a slight smile.
“I didn’t read it.” I lied.
I sat on the chair across from him, beside the locker.
“Are you sick?” I asked again.
“I might be.” His voice was teasing again.
I stood up and walked toward him before placing my hand on his forehead.
He froze for a moment while I checked his temperature.
“You have a fever.”
I took my hand away.
He looked like he would pass out at any moment.
When he stood up, he almost collapsed to the floor, so I grabbed his arm.
“You should go home.”
“Ke, please, stop caring, please.”
He sat down on the bench and covered his face.
He rested both elbows on his knees, looking like he was having a hard time.
The only thing on my mind now was what he had just called me.
My nickname.
“Why?” I asked him.
“You know it’s not good for you.”
He lowered his hands from his face and let out a sigh, now staring at the floor.
“Not good for me or not good for you?” I hissed.
He looked up at me, unable to believe those words had come out of my mouth.
Wasn’t that the truth?
He was the one who had problems with having relationships with other people.
“You don’t understand, Kierra.
I’m not the one deciding on this.” He said in a stern voice.
“‘This’… what do you mean by ‘this’?”
“Our relationship.”
Relationship?
Did that really just come out of his mouth?
He despised that word.
“And what is our relationship?” I pressed further.
He let out a frustrated groan and looked up, closing his eyes as if asking the heavens for help before looking at me again.
I didn’t notice that the color had already drained from his face.
He was struggling to keep the conversation going.
Maybe that was why he was being more honest.
“I don’t know.
You tell me… because you have the upper hand here, Kierra.
This is the first time I’m not in control of my feelings.” He said, his eyes piercing into my soul.
Quick question!
Someone asked if I’d translate “The Rain in España” book in the series after I finish this one.
Would you guys be interested in reading it too?
Let me know in the comments so I can see if there’s enough interest!