SHAN
“Hmm…
Nice feed.
This is very her.”
I had been scrolling through her feed right after following her so I could see what she had been posting before.
She just had a few posts with pictures of her friends this year.
There were very few—just about three or four—but she had lots of posts before.
She looked so…
carefree and happy last year and all the previous years.
She liked posting pictures a lot.
Of her, mostly, but also with her friends.
She was always laughing with them.
Even with her stolen pictures jumping, you could tell that she was really giddy before.
Playful and fun.
I compared that to her recent posts.
She was smiling without her teeth showing.
There was no light in her eyes.
She was prim and proper, like she always needed to be timid.
The smile on my face faded when I realized that something must have happened this year, causing her to change.
It was pretty evident.
Even a stranger stalking her account would notice how much she changed.
Just not the vibe, but physically, too.
She looked like she lost a lot of weight, and her eyes got darker underneath.
Loss of sleep, maybe.
I looked at her photos with her friends and saw Yanna.
I sighed heavily, thinking if I was betraying my friends because I never asked Kierra about Yanna.
I promised that I would do anything for Hiro, but I couldn’t even do this one thing…
to ask.
It felt wrong.
I didn’t want to do it.
Besides, Hiro will go home by himself.
He needed to renew his license.
He said he can find her by himself if we really can’t find her.
I did make a lot of effort to search for her, but no one knew where she was.
Samantha wouldn’t tell me.
She would rather die than tell me about her friend’s secret.
“I don’t know who that is.” Haze said when I tried asking him.
“Is that my brother’s girlfriend?”
“Just send your men to find her or something.” I told him.
“This is for Hiro.”
“Man, if she doesn’t want to be found, then it’s better to stop bothering her.
You might just scare her away more.
What are you?
Stalkers?” Haze rolled his eyes, obviously not helping.
I was at their mansion, and he was already dressed up in his pilot uniform for a flight.
He wanted me to know that he was a busy man, and that finding a woman for his brother was not his business, which was true.
I also don’t understand why Hiro keeps looking.
Maybe he was worried that something bad happened to her?
Was she a missing person?
“Go to the police if she’s missing or something.” Haze said, shrugging.
“No, she’s not missing..” Because I knew Samantha was aware of her whereabouts.
“She’s hiding from your brother.” I didn’t know if I should laugh when I realized that.
“Interesting.” Haze nodded, smirking.
“Tell my brother to stop being an asshole and just find her by himself.
He’s the one who has some business with her.”
There were a lot of chances where I could ask Kierra about her friend, but I didn’t.
There may be a chance that she also didn’t know, and if she knew…
Why would she tell me?
Samantha, the one closest to Yanna, could not even tell me.
Maybe they had this promise that they couldn’t break in their friendship.
And if I did find her…
What was Hiro planning to do?
He eventually needed to go back to Florida.
___________________________
“Love is fucking crazy.
That’s not for me.
My mind is already bothered by other things.” I told my sister when she visited my café.
I was busy wiping glasses with a clean cloth while she was leaning over the counter, smiling.
“You’re so lame, Kuya.” She laughed, shaking her head.
“Love is so amazing kuya.
You’ve seen it a lot in movies.
It’s such a nice thing.
I can’t wait to be so in love..” She closed her eyes, imagining herself.
For a moment, I got scared…
because I didn’t like the idea of her getting hurt from being so in love…
for admiring someone.
Not just the future man she will fall in love with, but the man she already loved as she grew up.
That would definitely be her greatest heartbreak.
“Having someone to love isn’t necessary.” I told her, cleaning the counter now.
“Oh, no, no…
There should be at least one person whom you cherish and love.
A person always has someone important to them.
You can’t be full of hatred.
For example, you love me, right?!
Right?” She jumped in excitement, hopeful for my answer.
“Yes,” I whispered with a heavy sigh.
“But that’s not the love I was talking about.”
“Love as in you want to spend your life with that person, right?
The love that will make you accept each other’s flaws…
The love that would make you want to grow, be patient, understanding, heal…
Things like that.
I want to feel that.
I want to have someone beside me to help me stand up when I fall or someone to hug me when I’m feeling bad…
Don’t you want that?” She looked so happy talking about it that I started to wonder if she was thinking of someone while talking.
“No, I don’t want that.” My mom…
probably thought of that, too.
She hoped for that kind of love and got disappointed.
I hated the feeling of disappointment…
of failure.
I already had enough of them.
“I don’t know about you kuya!
You will grow up single forever.” She teased.
“And successful,” I added.
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Hmm…
Of course.
You do you.” She shrugged.
“Can you make me a drink now, please?”
_________________________
I never changed my mind about love ever since I was faced with the reality that my parents forcefully fed my eyes, so when I saw her coming inside the coffee shop with another man, I felt happy for her.
She was talking a lot when she was with him.
I knew that she felt more comfortable with him than she would ever be with me.
I was watching them.
It was very evident that he liked her.
Genuinely.
Her smile also reached her eyes while they were talking.
My lips formed a small smile while preparing their order.
That man and I were probably opposites.
I could tell he was more stable, genuine, patient, and determined.
When I served their tray, I got a close look at them.
They actually looked good together.
“Enjoy your meal.” I said with a smile before leaving.
_____________________________
I didn’t smoke a lot ever since I switched to vaping…
but my troubling days made me switch back to cigarettes.
Not always.
Not very frequent…
but that night was one of them.
What were the chances that I would witness her drunk state?
— Flashback —
“So, how close can we get, Kierra?” I asked.
“What should be our limit?
You tell me.”
I slightly flinched when she reached out to touch my face, but she still continued.
I raised a brow when her palm touched my cheek.
It was warm.
“Should there be a limit?” She laughed a bit.
“Crazy idea.
I want to get to know you more…”
I blinked twice before taking a step back away from her.
What…
What did she say?
Did she want to get to know me more?
The idea scared me for some reason.
“Oh, I should follow you on Instagram…” She laughed again and got her phone out.
My phone vibrated with the notification of her follow.
When she almost fell, I automatically reached for her elbows to help her keep her balance.
But I immediately put my hands away from her.
Touching her and getting close to her made me feel fear.
I didn’t want her to know me…
My secrets, my past, my mind.
I didn’t want her or anyone else to get that close to me.
That was a given…
but what scared me was the idea that I wanted to.
For a moment…
I wanted to open up to her.
“The time we spent with each other is too short for you to say that you want to get to know me more.
You wouldn’t like that…
and I don’t know you, too.
Yes, there should be a limit.” I told her.
“Hmm…
What do you want to know from me?” She sat on the floor and leaned her back against the wall.
She said she was too dizzy.
“You must have been scared by what I said, ah…” She laughed.
I didn’t know that she noticed.
“Why?
Scared that I will ask you to be in a relationship with me like your other girls?”
I fell silent, unable to answer her.
I also didn’t know what to say.
That wasn’t the reason.
The reason was me.
“Don’t worry..” She closed her eyes and held her head.
“I don’t know if I can love again…
so yes, there is a limit.”
— End of Flashback —
That made me wonder once more.
Who hurt her this badly?
KIERRA
“Julian Miguel Villaflor.”
I looked down and closed my eyes as I said his name.
My therapist said that if I wanted to tell her the story, it would be better to start from the beginning.
That worked in my favor because I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her how we ended.
The happy days before that, I could… I can do that now.
“That’s his name.
He introduced himself to me when we met for the first time… That day…”
— Flashback —
I was left alone at school when we were dismissed early.
Luna went to see Kalix because they had a date.
Via, on the other hand, went to see Arkin because they were going out to eat.
My blockmates decided to go drinking in Dapitan, and I joined them since I didn’t have anything else to do.
“Come on, take your shot already!
You’re next!
Stop trying to run away!” I shouted at my classmate.
I laughed so hard that I could barely breathe when he stood up to go to the restroom but fell onto the floor because he was so dizzy.
“Hey, come back here!
Your friends, help him!”
“We all got low grades.
Luna got the highest!”
“Come on!
My cousin is just built differently!” I laughed again.
“Just take the shot.”
I was already drunk when I returned to UST so I could pass through there on my way to the jeepney stop in Noval.
I pretended to be normal as I passed through the gate until I got inside and headed straight to the AB Building.
I sat on one of the benches there first because I was still dizzy.
“Have another drink.” The guy beside me suddenly said.
He had been there before I arrived and was talking on the phone when I sat down, but now he wasn’t.
“Are you still okay, Miss?”
“Shush!
You’re so noisy!” I covered my ears while keeping my eyes closed.
Seriously, the whole world was spinning.
“I’m never drinking again!”
“You’re the noisy one.” He complained.
“What’s your name and year?”
I raised my ID and showed it to him.
“There!
Can’t you read?!” I said.
“No more!
No more questions!
I’m already getting dizzy because of you!”
“Kierra.” He read from my name.
“I’m Miguel.
Julian Miguel Villaflor.
Looks like I’m ahead of you.”
“Villaflor…” The name sounded familiar.
The mayor, maybe?
“Hey… Ha-ha!
You’re famous, huh!
So you’re famous!
Mr.
Mayor!” I sat up properly and gave him a salute.
“Yes, sir!”
His lips formed an amused smile before he laughed and stood up.
He offered me his hand so he could pull me to my feet, but I shook my head at him and stood up on my own.
“I can handle myself, excuse me!
I’m strong!
Always strong!
I’m the strongest in the whole world!” I even spread my arms.
“Yes, I agree… Now stop yelling.
The guard will notice you’re drunk.
You should go home.” His voice was soothing.
It was gentle and calm.
I frowned at him and picked up my bag to leave.
The zipper of my bag was still open, so some of my things fell out while I was walking.
“Hey, miss!
Your things!” The guy ran after me and put my belongings back into my bag before zipping it closed.
I ignored him because my attention was focused on the line on the pavement I was walking on.
Straight walk… Straight walk… I mustn’t stagger.
I can do this.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
I froze when I turned toward Theo.
He had just happened to pass by and saw me walking around like an idiot.
“Ashro!” I called one of his names and ran to him, jumping onto his back.
He automatically held onto my legs so I wouldn’t fall.
“Just carry me!
I can’t walk anymore!
Let’s go!
Zoooom!”
“Oh, come on, you’re drunk again.” He shook his head, but he still carried me out of the gate until we reached the tricycle stand.
“Where are your friends?”
“It’s just me!
Just Kierra!” I hit my chest, making me suddenly feel nauseous, but I took a deep breath to stop it.
Theo escorted me all the way to the unit because I couldn’t walk properly.
He set me down on the sofa and stretched his arms and legs, looking completely exhausted.
“Am I heavy?
Well, I’m full!” I laughed and held my stomach.
I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes, ready to sleep.
“Why does everyone around me have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” I let out a sigh.
“When will it be my turn?!
I wonder what it feels like to have a boyfriend.
Why doesn’t anyone like me?!”
Theo fell silent and just stared at me, shaking his head.
“Why don’t you take a bath first before sleeping?”
“When I finally get a boyfriend too, hah!
Who you all!” I raised my middle finger toward the ceiling.
I always wanted to be loved.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have enough love when I was young.
No.
I was filled with love from the time I was little until I grew up… but the love I wanted now was different.
Not the kind that came from family.
I wanted to spend my whole life with someone.
I also wanted to experience butterflies in my stomach.
I wanted to spice up my college life a bit.
To me, campus couples seemed so cute.
“I’m so jealous of people who have a boyfriend or girlfriend.”
I pouted.
____________________________
The next day, I couldn’t remember what time Theo had gone home because I kept insisting that he stay and talk to me since I had no one to talk to.
Luna still wasn’t home… but I eventually fell asleep too.
“So?
Headache today, girl?” Luna teased me.
“Let’s have noodles for lunch.” Via suggested.
“I want ramen.”
“Let’s go.
It’s for your hangover.”
I was still holding my head.
At least I still went to class even with a hangover.
I just couldn’t understand anything my professor was saying.
Anyway, when lunchtime finally came, I was excited to leave the building.
Luna went to the restroom, and Via went with her, so I said I’d go ahead to the restaurant to reserve seats.
“Kierra?”
I stopped walking when someone called my name.
When I turned around, I almost caught my breath.
A tall, handsome, and charming guy with a nice smile was looking at me.
How did he know me?
“You left this yesterday.” He handed me my purse, which was full of my essentials like my hairbrush, toothbrush, hair tie, and things like that.
I frowned, unable to remember how I had left my things behind.
“Sorry… Have we met before?” I asked, confused.
“Oh, you don’t remember?” He laughed and held out his hand.
“Let me introduce myself again.
I’m Miguel.
Julian Miguel Villaflor.”
“Uh… Thank you.” I shook his hand and put my purse back inside my bag.
“Sorry, I don’t remember you.”
“It’s okay.
You were already too drunk yesterday.
How are you?
Do you have a hangover?” He laughed when he noticed the expression on my face.
“Uh, yeah.” I nodded at him and looked toward Luna, who was already walking out of the building.
“My friends are there.
I’ll get going.
Thanks again.”
I stopped when he grabbed my wrist.
“May I know your Insta?”
I blinked before taking out my phone to show him my Instagram.
He smiled at me and said he had already followed me before letting go of my wrist.
It still hadn’t sunk in what had just happened.
— End of Flashback —
“Butterflies.” I told my doctor.
“That’s what I felt when he messaged me that night.
I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me either.
We were getting to know each other.
I was comfortable talking to him.
He had this… vibe that made you want to spend more time with him.
He was easy to get along with… From one message, one thing led to another.
We started eating out during breaks.” I laughed sarcastically.
“Looking back at it now… It feels like I’m talking about a different person.”
“People always put their best foot forward when you’re still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage… and even during the first months of dating.” Dr.
Peja nodded.
“What do you feel while telling this story?
Do you blame yourself for not knowing from the start?”
I bit my lower lip and looked down at the floor.
“I wish I had gotten to know him better before we entered a relationship.
I loved a different version of this man.
It’s my fault.
I should have known better.”
“But you couldn’t have known, Kierra.” My doctor looked me in the eyes.
“You loved what this man showed you at the beginning.
He chose not to let you know.”
“I loved him… and it really felt good at the start.” Tears started forming in the corners of my eyes as I remembered how it felt.
“From the moment you realized you were falling in love with this guy, can you describe what it felt like?”
“It was… thrilling.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand.
“Because I had never felt that kind of love before.
I had never felt that safe with a person before.
A person who wasn’t my family or my friend.
He gave me this kind of comfort, making me want to give it my all.
I wanted to give him all the love I had gained from years of being loved by the people around me.
I wanted to give all of that to him… until there was nothing left… Not even for myself.”
I cried loudly, continuously wiping my tears, but they wouldn’t stop.
I told my doctor that I couldn’t tell her anything more today.
That was as far as I could go for now.
She said it was fine… that I should take my time, but I wanted to heal faster.
I wanted all of it to be over because I felt myself getting more tired every day.
__________________________
I looked at myself in the mirror when I got home and asked myself if I had any feelings left for the woman I saw standing in front of me.
“I hate you.” I whispered, looking myself in the eyes.
I was reminded of the times I looked at myself in the mirror to check if my bruises were visible.
I did that every day until I hated looking at myself.
I sat at my vanity table and started putting on makeup with no expression on my face.
I stared blankly at the mirror while slowly adding color to my face.
When I heard Luna come into the condo, I quickly hurried what I was doing until she knocked and opened my bedroom door.
I turned to her and smiled.
“Hi.” I greeted.
“Are you okay?
Are you going out?” She asked me.
The forced smile never left my face.
I simply nodded as my smile grew wider.
“A date.” I answered.
“A getting-to-know-each-other date.”
That felt ironic coming from my own mouth.
“Will you be okay?” She asked worriedly.
I nodded.
“Of course!
Go on, I’m going to be late!”
When she closed the door again, the smile disappeared from my lips.
I held my head and rested my elbows on the table.
“Should I still go?” I asked myself.
Maybe… I saw it as a chance to make it up to myself.
I was thinking, “Oh, I could get to know him better now.” or “I can do it.
I can never make the same mistake again.”
I saw it as a chance to prove myself… and if I managed to do that, maybe I would finally stop believing that what happened was my fault because it would prove that I really could do it.
_____________________________
“Are you okay?” Ciandrei asked me when I got into his car.
I did it again.
Sitting in the passenger seat.
It made me feel good that I was making progress again.
“Of course.” I answered him.
The two of us were still a little awkward because of our conversation the last time.
When he asked me about relationships, I told him that I wanted to get to know him better.
He didn’t know me… and I didn’t know him either, not enough to immediately enter a serious relationship, if that was where this was heading.
“Do you want to just go back?” He asked me.
I shook my head.
I had already made up my mind.
It had taken a lot for me to go out and sit here with him.
I wasn’t talking much while we were eating an early dinner.
When it got dark, he said we still had somewhere else to go.
We went to a high place where it was windy and slightly cold because the temperature had dropped at night.
The two of us leaned against the hood of his car while looking out at the lights.
“I went to my doctor this morning.” I said to him, my arms crossed over my chest.
“That’s good… How was it?” He asked.
My lips formed a faint smile.
“I don’t know.
Not good but not bad either.
I’m just slowly letting out the things I’ve been keeping to myself for so long.
If only I could let it all out at once… But there’s only so much I can do.”
“Hmm… Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.
“Do you know why I did that when we first met?” I turned to look at him.
“Because I wanted to do something the old me wouldn’t do, and somehow it made me feel like I was a different person, that I wasn’t in pain… that I wasn’t weak because it was also the first time I decided to go out and live.
Before that, I had thought about dying… a lot of times.”
He stayed silent and just listened.
He didn’t ask any questions either.
Maybe he already knew this.
He was quick at reading what was on my mind.
“Because I wanted the pain to stop.
I wanted it to end.
The pain on the outside did stop, but the pain inside?
It looks like I’ll carry this for the rest of my life.
I also stood in a high place like this where I could see all the buildings.
It was beautiful.
Windy.
Calming… The last thing I wanted to see.”
“But…” He knew there was more.
“But… Luna lost herself when she thought she had lost me.” I smiled to myself, shaking my head.
“My parents too, who gave me all the love they could ever since I was young… I wanted more time to give it back.”
“You must have a good relationship with your parents.” He looked at me with a small smile on his face.
“What about you?”
He had never said anything about himself.
I didn’t like the feeling that I was the only one talking.
He just shrugged.
“Not good.”
That was all he answered and nothing more.
There was nothing after that.
That was all he could bring himself to say.
I fell silent, no longer wanting to talk.
He refused to open up, so I didn’t want to talk anymore either.
I felt bad.
I wanted to get to know him better, but it seemed he really had no intention of telling me even the slightest bit of information about himself.
He must have noticed how quiet I had become because he turned to look at me.
I could feel his gaze, but I kept my eyes fixed ahead.
“My mom died when I was young.”
I was surprised when he spoke.
“I’m sorry.” I immediately said.
I didn’t expect that to be what had been weighing on his mind.
So that was what he couldn’t bring himself to say.
“I only have my dad now… but I also don’t consider him my dad, so I’m living alone.
He… um…” He coughed and looked away.
“He’s violent, so I don’t like being with him.”
“When did it start?” I asked carefully.
“I don’t remember.
When I was four?
Or five?
Maybe three… I don’t know.”
He smiled to let me know that he was okay… but I wasn’t.
My face grew warm as tears started forming in the corners of my eyes.
I felt awful.
I knew what he felt.
I had already gone through that… but I couldn’t imagine it happening to a child.
“I’m so—”
“Don’t say sorry.” He cut me off.
“It’s not anyone’s fault but his.”
“But how could you face him again?”
I couldn’t do that.
How could he still manage to talk to him?
“Because I had already built up so much anger inside me that he didn’t scare me anymore.
I convinced myself that he should be scared of me instead…” He let out a short laugh.
“But that’s not always the case.
If I’m given a choice, I would always choose not to face him.”
“I want to be like you someday…” I looked ahead again, hugging myself because it was already getting cold.
“Don’t… because you’re a good person.” He said.
“And your heart is pure.
If anything, I want to be like you someday.”
I shook my head in disagreement.
“If I could just see myself the way you see me… maybe I wouldn’t hate myself so much.”