SHAN
“I apologize for what happened between us.
I believe I still played a part in hurting you.”
Maybe it was the fear of karma…
that what I did will always come back to me.
When Kierra said she wanted to get to know me more, I didn’t want her to know me like this.
I wanted to make amends with the people I was harsh with before or the people I hurt because I did not want to commit.
Although I never failed to remind myself that I will never get into a serious relationship, I still played a part in causing pain.
But it was not the sole reason.
It was also because of what I did to my dad.
I did not want to be like him.
I would never become like him.
Just the thought scared me.
“That was so long ago, Shan, and we’re good now—come on!” She even laughed.
Well, most of the girls I had been with also became my friends, so it was easy for me to contact them.
Although I couldn’t say that we were ever so close with each other as how I was close with Hiro, Helen, Ericka, and others.
“I know but-”
“You feel guilty?
Why?
Did you get yourself a girl?” She smirked and raised an eyebrow at me.
“And you don’t want to be that guy anymore, huh?”
“It’s not because of that.
I just…
thought of some things.” I told her.
I thought of this a lot.
I knew that someday I will get tired of what I used to do before, and that time finally came…
but the past never failed to haunt me.
It was starting to bother me after getting over it.
“Anyway, I don’t want to keep you busy, so…”
When I told Hiro what I was doing, that asshole laughed at me and teased me again about being in love.
Hah…
In love?
I could never imagine myself being in love.
My view of love never changed.
It never will.
______________________________
“Did it lessen your worries?
After apologizing to the people you have hurt before…” My doctor asked while I was in a session.
After what I did to my dad, I felt like I had to come back.
I really thought I was getting better.
Maybe I was at first…
but seeing that man always made me lose myself.
“Yes, hearing them say that they forgive me…
Yes, it feels good.” I answered.
“I’m done…
I don’t want to be my dad.”
“You are not your dad, Ciandrei.
And that’s good that you can say out loud that you don’t want to be like him.
You’re aware of right and wrong actions.” She nodded and gave me a small smile.
“Do you still think of your mom?”
“Yes.
You’re going to ask me what I feel.
I feel guilty.
Aside from that, I feel sad because I miss her.
Also, regrets.
I feel regrets…
for not wanting to spend time with her and my stepdad because I was stubborn.”
“You are not stubborn.
You just could not trust people easily because of what happened to your dad.
Your feelings in that situation were valid, and you told me that your stepdad understood…
It is not your fault.”
I knew.
I knew how my mind worked…
It was just whenever I was with Alfred, I would lose control of my mind and my feelings.
All I wanted was to inflict the pain he inflicted on me emotionally.
I wanted to damage him, too…
but I was also aware that revenge was not good.
My mom did not think of revenge.
She stayed and tolerated all of that for me.
Putting myself in that situation now, I understood how hard it was for her.
Both of them weren’t good partners for each other, but at least my mom was a good parent to me.
Both of them gave me trauma with forming relationships…
The other was just worse.
I was ready to answer everything when I gave Kierra five questions to ask me…
But surprisingly enough, she didn’t ask me about anything overly personal.
I don’t know if she was being considerate or if she simply didn’t notice that I was having a problem.
___________________________
“To see is to believe.
How about you stay over until morning?” I offered when I took her to my condo.
I had no other intentions.
I was just taking it slow…
showing myself to her.
And also because I did not want to be alone.
I did not want her to leave because I never felt alone when I could feel her presence.
Sometimes, even when I’m with others, I still feel like I’m alone.
It wasn’t the same with her.
“Do you have a crush on me?” I laughed at her question.
Her bold remarks did not surprise me anymore.
“Is it too obvious?” My lips curved into a smile.
That was a cute question to ask.
“Liar.” Of course, she would not believe that.
Crush…
A little childish, but that could do…
because I didn’t know how to explain this feeling.
This wasn’t nothing.
I had to find an explanation for this.
Maybe that was it.
The lowest stage.
Because I knew I was not ready for more serious things, and neither was she.
Things like this will fade soon enough…
right?
___________________________
“Maybe I was not lying.” She was sleeping peacefully on the couch.
I was holding my book, so I could go back to my study room and finish my readings.
I lightly tapped her nose’s tip before standing up and walking away.
She ended up staying for the night.
I didn’t mean to fall asleep while reading.
I haven’t even finished yet.
I haven’t slept at all, after all.
____________________________
“Wednesday, eight o’clock.
See you in Yesterday.” I told her when she got off my car.
She didn’t say anything to acknowledge that.
I don’t know if she’s coming, but I still planned to wait for her.
After days of not seeing her because I was busy going out with the girls I fucked and dated with before to apologize, I went back to duty.
________________________________
Wednesday.
I was excited to go back to the coffee shop.
I was excited to work again and see her…
but Alfred suddenly called me to the mansion because he wanted to talk to me.
“How’s your school?
I’m paying for your tuition so you better get good grades, at least.”
He made me go here just to say that?
I counted to three to calm myself before answering.
The visit to the doctor helped me control my anger.
“It’s great.” I answered calmly.
“If you fail, just pay for your own tuition.
I don’t want you wasting my money.” He said while reading some papers.
So that was all I was to him?
A waste of money.
A burden child that he had to feed.
I never asked him for money.
Only for my law school tuition.
He was the one sending me allowance, probably because Tita Erin convinced him, or maybe because that was his payment for not seeing me in his house.
“You’re acting like you’re broke all of a sudden.
Is your business not doing well?” I asked without raising my voice.
“It is.” He glared at me back, building tension.
He stood up and dropped the papers on his desk so he can lean against it, standing closer to me.
“Why?
Do you want your share?
I would never give you anything.
Your mom already gave you all she had and built.”
“What a surprise.
If mom already gave me all the business she built, I would also own Ledezma Group.
Mom made you who you are today.”
All of a sudden, I felt the pain on my jaw when his fist automatically went against it.
I bit my lower lip and counted in my head.
I heard curses and him being defensive about building Ledezma Group by himself…
that my mother did not contribute anything except being a bitch, and a flirt.
He was throwing stuff on the floor and at me.
Before I could do anything, I just stormed outside the room and ran downstairs, ignoring Elyse.
I didn’t want to talk because I was angry.
I might say harsh words.
I was late for the time I told Kierra, but I didn’t want to show up with flushed cheeks.
I went home and put some ice on my cheek before driving to the coffee shop.
I was taken aback when someone suddenly ran up to hug me.
I ended up leaning against my car because another person followed right after.
Ericka and Helen.
Both of them were there.
“Are you okay?
Hiro said we should check on you!” Ericka said worriedly.
“He said you needed a hug.” Helen said, as they let go of me.
“What happened to your face?”
I told them that I just had a fight with my father and that I was okay.
“I really need to go.
I’m already so late.” I looked at my watch.
Ericka hugged me one last time before going with Helen to the car.
I was glad they came to see me…
Just like what I expected…
Kierra wasn’t there anymore.
Somehow, I felt relieved that she wouldn’t see me like this.
“She has been waiting for quite a while.” My staff member told me when I asked if Kierra had arrived.
I felt so bad that I texted her a lot to apologize but ever since that happened, she never returned my calls or my messages.
I just accepted that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
I sighed heavily while staring at the ceiling after sending another message.
She didn’t answer again.
“Well…
I guess that’s it.”
KIERRA
“That’s it… After one, or two… or maybe three lunches outside, I started liking him a bit.”
I was talking to my doctor again, continuing where we left off.
Since I could not tell anything without crying in the end, I decided to just cut the story off before it would make me feel heavier.
“He asked me for dinner after class.
We ate around Dapitan… He said alcohol would make us feel more comfortable talking about ourselves.
I agreed.”
— Flashback —
After class, I immediately told Luna that I had somewhere to go.
I couldn’t tell her that I was already seeing someone because I still wasn’t really sure about this guy.
For all I knew, he might just be temporary.
Maybe he’d just ghost me next week too.
We didn’t really know each other that well yet.
“I already ordered for us.
Are you up for drinking afterward?” He asked, smiling at me.
It was a harmless smile… and drinking was never a problem for me.
We drank all the time anyway, so that wasn’t an issue for me.
“Of course.
Sorry… I’m late.” I felt so embarrassed because it looked like he had been waiting for me for quite a while.
“That’s okay, come on.” He laughed and handed me some water.
“I should be thanking you for eating outside with me.
I don’t have anyone to be with either.
Do you have someone with you at your house?”
“Ah, I live with my cousin.
She’s been my best friend since we were kids.
She’s really kind!
You should try meeting her!” I didn’t realize that what I said sounded pressuring.
He might think I already wanted him to meet my family.
“I mean… Wait, I didn’t mean it like that!”
He laughed at me again.
“You’re funny.
It’s alright.” I was surprised when he held my hand that was resting on top of the table.
“I know what you meant.”
I let out a sigh of relief… but my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest because he caressed my hand!
He let go of it too after the food arrived.
After dinner, he ordered alcohol for us.
“Tell me about your ex.” He said to me.
I put down the bottle of beer I was holding because I was so surprised by his question.
“I don’t have an ex!” I said to him.
“Really?” he asked in disbelief.
“You really don’t?
Not even one?”
I shook my head at him again.
“That seems impossible.
You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”
“No!
I really don’t have an ex, so I don’t have anything to tell.
You instead!
How many exes have you had?” I asked, just curious.
“Hmm… Just three.
The first one was when I was still a kid.
The second one was when I was in high school and about to go to college.
The recent one was the only serious one, like that… but she cheated on me so we broke up.” He shrugged.
“Huh?
Really?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah.
It really made me insecure.
I even developed trust issues… because I really loved her, of course.
I was even willing to get back together, but she didn’t want to anymore.
She really didn’t want to.
It made me think if I was really the one at fault or if she really loved me because as for me, I never once thought about cheating.” He narrated.
I felt sorry for him.
“That must’ve been really hard.
But have you already moved on?”
“Of course.
She’s not that pretty anyway.” He laughed and took another drink of his beer.
“She’s even going around telling the wrong story.
She says I was the one who cheated on her.
You can even ask my friends—I would never do that… but I just let her be.
I don’t have to defend myself, right?
The people close to me know me best.”
“That’s true, but you should still defend yourself when it’s fake news because other people will come to know you through that.
That’s such a waste.
I think you’re nice.” I pouted.
“Eh, I don’t want to associate myself with those people anymore.
My mom said I know myself best.
At least my mom believes in me… although she’s already in heaven.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” I ended up feeling sad for him.
“What happened?
If it’s okay to ask?”
“It’s fine!
She died when I was in Grade 2, so I grew up without a mother.
It’s just me and my dad.
I have a lot of cousins, though, so I still had a happy childhood.” He smiled.
“What about you?
I want to know you more too.”
“Hmm… Nothing much happens in my life.
I have a complete family.
I’m an only child, but having my cousin with me makes me feel like I have a sibling.
I have good friends and… that’s it.
I don’t really have any problems in life.
It’s actually really fun!” I laughed while taking another drink of my beer.
He had so many tragic stories that made me empathize with him.
I could tell that he was broken.
He said he felt so happy whenever he was with me, which made me feel so good.
I thought that I was the only one who could make him feel that way.
He never failed to make me feel special every day.
______________________________
“Oh, I don’t use Instagram that much to post.
I just opened it again to message you.”
I was wondering why he wasn’t posting anything on his Instagram stories or feed.
It was our fourth time drinking outside at night.
We both knew that we had this “thing” between us.
I just didn’t know what to call it yet.
I didn’t want to ask because it might disappear.
I didn’t want what we had to disappear.
We had already opened up to each other about so many things.
I felt like we had already known each other for years.
He was just so comforting to be with.
“Besides, my friends tease me about you again.
Those assholes.” He shyly scratched the back of his neck again.
Again?
So they were already teasing him about me?
“Because they know I like you, right… So they keep teasing me all the time.
I don’t go out with them anymore.”
Huh?
Wait… He said, ‘I like you.’ I heard that right, didn’t I?
“Why do you look so surprised?
Wasn’t it obvious already?” He pinched my cheek.
“You’re so cute, Ke.
You’re blushing.”
_____________________________
I couldn’t sleep that night because of that!
I mean, it was probably obvious, but I’m not the type to assume!
Yes, he held an umbrella over me, bought me food, tied my hair, pulled out a chair for me, helped me study, played games with me on our phones, and opened up to me about everything that had happened to him… but it was only now that he actually said he liked me.
I screamed into my pillow so Luna wouldn’t hear me.
I even kicked my feet in the air because I was so happy.
Because of that, I woke up in a good mood.
__________________________
“You seem to be in a good mood, Ke, huh?” My groupmate said.
We had a meeting for a project.
“I’m always smiling!” I smiled even more.
“As if that’s something new!
Seriously!
You should smile too so you’ll be in a good mood.”
“Blooming.
Do you have a love life now?
Hmm…” Another one teased.
“I always see you on dates around Dapitan!”
“Hey, you’re crazy!
It’s nothing like that!” I said, blushing.
“We’re just friends!”
____________________________
I began calling us friends until he suddenly held my hand while he was driving.
I felt butterflies once more.
I bit my lower lip and looked outside, pretending I wasn’t affected by the simple thing he did.
“Don’t you like it?” He asked me.
“H-huh?
It’s okay!” I answered immediately.
I was actually feeling butterflies.
“That’s good, then…” He adjusted the way he was holding my hand.
When we were already in front of the condo lobby, he helped me unfasten my seatbelt, so our faces came close to each other.
He just stared at me, so I looked away, not knowing what to do.
He kissed my cheek instead.
“Good night.
I had a great time.” He said, smiling at me.
He was so charming and always smiling. Enjoying the story? Read on at g.com.
He looked so kind and respectful.
— End of Flashback —
“How do I describe him now?
A lying… manipulative bastard…” I clenched my hand.
The ball I was holding was squeezed, so the doctor held my hand for a moment, which calmed me down.
“Was that true?
The things he said to you back then?” Dr.
Peja asked.
“Lies…” I whispered, shaking my head.
This time, I wasn’t tearing up because of so much pain.
I was tearing up because of so much anger.
“He was the one who cheated on his ex and the one who begged his ex to get back together with him after hurting her… He made me believe his own version of the story, so whenever I heard something about him, I thought people were just trying to ruin his reputation… because that’s not what he told me.
He made me believe all those lies.
Another thing… his mom is still alive.”
“What do you think is the reason why he said that?”
“His mom left them when he was a child.
When we were already in a relationship, he explained that he just considered his mother dead because she left them.”
“Did he also lie about other things aside from that?”
I laughed sarcastically and looked up so my tears wouldn’t fall.
“He… cheated on me, too… A lot of times… but I was too scared to leave.” My tears fell one after another.
“And it made me think if he was treating those girls the way he treated me or did he treat them better?
Like they were… people?
Because as for me, no… He didn’t treat me like a real person.
I was like a ‘thing’ to him that he could just…” I couldn’t continue what I was saying because I was sobbing.
“When did you start knowing about his cheating?”
“That was also the same time he… hurt me for the first time.” My hands were shaking, so I tried to hide them.
“I… I can’t tell yet, I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay, Kierra.
You don’t need to be sorry for taking it slow and being patient with yourself.
You have done enough.” Dr.
Peja assured me.
But I also wanted to tell how he asked me to be his girlfriend.
That he prepared so much for that day.
He surprised me at a rooftop bar… with a nice dinner… and a bouquet of roses.
It made me feel so special… but now I wished all of those didn’t happen.
I wished there was no available chef at that time… or the waiter failed to prepare the dinner table… or the flower shop closed that day… or that it was raining that day so it would ruin everything.
I wished that never happened.
_____________________________
“Hey… What happened?” Luna asked in confusion when I came home and immediately hugged her.
I rested my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes.
She gently patted my shoulder.
“It’s nothing.
I’m just tired.” I said.
“Thank you… for staying by my side.”
“Kierra… Is something wrong?”
I straightened up and smiled at her.
It was a genuine smile.
I was really grateful to her.
Just seeing her in front of me made me feel at ease.
“Luna… I’ve been visiting the doctor these days.” I admitted to her.
Her lips parted.
“H-how is it going?” She didn’t know what to say.
“I’m… trying.” I nodded.
I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling… but I wanted her to know that I was trying.
I was trying so hard because I didn’t want the pain and fear to get worse.
I… wanted to go back to my old life too, where I was free to do whatever I wanted to do.
Now… even being happy made me feel bad.
It felt like I was betraying myself.
“I’m proud of you.” She gave me a comforting smile that reached her eyes.
“If you need someone to talk to or even just someone to be with, you know where to find me.”
“In the next room?”
We both laughed.
Finally, I was able to tell her.
I was afraid that she might worry about me even more and that I’d just add to the things she had to worry about… but when I heard a positive response from her, I became even more motivated to keep going.
___________________________
“Go ahead, hit it.”
Shan was just leaning against the side while watching me hit the ball that was automatically flying toward my direction with a baseball bat.
He said it could be a stress reliever.
He even made me wear that protective helmet.
He said I needed it so I wouldn’t get hit.
“No, you need to watch your stance, too.”
I tightened my grip on the baseball bat and adjusted my position.
When I hit one of them, I almost jumped up and down in happiness.
Those little achievements brought joy… but the thought that I shouldn’t be too happy came back to me, so my lips formed only a small smile instead.
“See?
I can do it.” I said to him.
_________________________
“This is tiring.”
“You hit one ball and you’re tired already?” He took his baseball bat, and he took my place.
“Drink some water.
I bought one for you over there.”
I sat on the bench and watched him hit the balls.
So he was good at baseball too.
We were now at the getting-to-know-each-other stage, but the sports version.
We were checking which sports we were good at and making each other try them.
“I also do racing.” He said to me.
“But you shouldn’t try that.
It’s very dangerous.”
“If it’s dangerous, then why do you do it?” I raised an eyebrow.
“You have a point.” He grinned and raised his index finger.
“Let’s just try horseback riding next time.
My best friend and his brother like doing that.
They sometimes take me with them.
Have you tried that?”
I shook my head.
“Maybe when I was a kid.”
“What was your childhood like?”
He sat beside me and drank some water.
His question made me think.
What was my childhood like?
“I was a cheerful kid because Luna was always with me.
Daddy is from Bataan, so we always spent our vacations there, especially by the beach.
I liked making friends.
Whenever I was in the province, I was like a different person too, especially since they called me by a different name there.”
“What name?” He asked curiously.
“Ayi.” I answered.
He stopped drinking his water and stared at me.
“Ayi?” He repeated more slowly.
That felt weird coming out of his mouth.
I wasn’t used to him calling me that.
“Because when I was little, I couldn’t pronounce my name, so it became ‘Zayin,’ until they just started calling me Ayi.” I explained.
“What about you?
Didn’t you stay in Bataan too?”
“Ah, yeah…” He looked like he was thinking about something while drinking his water.
“I did… Yes… In Bataan.
At the beach…”
He looked at me again, and his gaze lingered, making me feel awkward.
I didn’t know what to do.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I frowned and gently pushed his face away from me.
It was like he was judging my whole existence!
“Hmm… I want to see your childhood pictures.”
What was that?
Out of nowhere?
That’s embarrassing.
I was ugly when I was a kid!
I was the kind of child who looked fun to make cry, they said.
“I don’t have them with me.
They’re at our house!
What about you?
Do you have pictures?” I asked him back.
He shook his head too.
“I only have pictures with my mom.
Anyway, we should go now.
What’s our next topic?”
“Places that are important to us.” I answered after reading our list on my phone.
We listed down some topics that we wanted each other to explore.
Right now, it was sports.
Next would be places that were important to us.
We were going to visit them too.
“Okay, my turn first!”
“Okay, where are we going?
I’m the one driving, so I should know, right?” He insisted while we walked toward the parking lot.
I said I would just guide him along the way so he wouldn’t immediately know where we were going… but as time passed, he started frowning as if he already knew where we were headed.
“Are we going to my old school?” He tried to guess.
“Huh?!
No!
How would I know your school?
Just keep going straight there…” I pointed toward the corner.
We drove up to the vehicle drop-off area in front of the gate.
I told him to just park on the side because no one would complain there.
When we got out of the car, I stood beside the sign and pointed at it.
“Ta-da!
Welcome to Valeria High!” I smiled at him.
“Your old school?” He looked completely shocked.
“Seriously?
What the hell is happening…”
“Huh?
Why?
Is there a problem?” I frowned too.
“I studied here!
Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”
He suddenly laughed and looked up at the sky as if he had realized something.
I asked him again why, but he only shook his head and looked at me once more.
“Ah, yes… How could I forget…” The smile on his lips didn’t fade.
“We really have already met before.”