SHAN
“Bro, Lari, one of your exes, is looking for you, man…
You were with her just last week daw?”
Yes…
Yes.
That was right.
Because I had been spending the past days seeing and apologizing to the people I hurt before.
Surely, that sounded so wrong in Kierra’s head.
She immediately stood up and walked away.
“Bro, don’t mention shit like that next time without context.” I whispered to my friend with a glare before running so I could chase Kierra but she only quickened her pace when she noticed me chasing her.
“Ke!
Don’t leave me!” And another one followed.
The one I kissed in the club before.
She was easy to remember because she rejected me.
Kissed me and suddenly left me like a dumbass.
I…
deeply fucking regretted that.
I held Kierra’s wrist when she was about to go to her car but the other woman stood in between us and threatened me.
I can no longer understand what she’s saying because she’s speaking so fast and saying so much.
“If you do anything to my cousin, I’ll never let you have a moment’s peace!
I’ll make your life miserable and hound you until you have a family of your own!
Do you understand me?!”
I just nodded.
Until I have a family of my own, huh?
I have no plans of starting a family, though.
She even rolled her eyes at me.
“Are you mad at me?” I knew she was mad at me for making her wait…
but I was assuming that that anger already faded away, that she just realized she didn’t want to bother herself with my shit anymore, that she didn’t care anymore.
“No.
Why would I be mad at you?
Did you do something?”
Okay, clearly, she was mad although she was saying she wasn’t.
“I’m sorry I was late last time…
When I arrived, you already left.
You also weren’t answering my texts and my calls.
I even messaged you on Instagram, but you ignored me.” I tried to explain, but it looked like she wasn’t convinced.
I really tried to contact her for days, apologizing, but she never returned any of my calls or messages.
I was thinking that maybe she blocked me already.
“So, why were you late?” That was what she wanted to know.
“I…” I couldn’t say it.
Come on, Shan.
It…
It shouldn’t be this hard.
Just say it.
You had a fight with your dad.
“I had an emergency.”
I still couldn’t do it.
By now, I was thinking to myself that it should already be easier to open up about me and my dad not being on good terms, but I was afraid…
because it looked like she had a nice family…
that she wouldn’t understand the gravity of that fight…
or I was afraid that she will say that I shouldn’t fight with my dad because he was still family to me.
Would you understand if I told you?
Would you not tell me to just ‘make up’ with him because he’s still my dad?
Would you?
“What kind of emergency?”
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t answer.
It…
wasn’t that easy all along.
It did not become easier.
The number of times I told the story never made it easier for me to tell it again.
“No, you know what?
Don’t bother answering.
It’s my own fault for believing the things you say.
I completely forgot what kind of man you are.”
“And what kind of man am I?” I seriously asked.
“You’re a lying jerk who likes playing with people’s feelings.
You have no respect.
You’re happy as long as you’re not the one wasting your time.
You like fucking around and disguising your acts as ‘jokes,’ so you won’t be responsible for them.
That…
That’s how you are.”
I knew my eyes were staring at her face, but my mind felt blank for a second.
“You fucking liar!
You have no respect for this family!”
The memory of my mother screaming at my dad during a fight played inside my head.
“You’re happy fucking around and messing with other people’s lives!
And who will be responsible for that pain, huh?!
Who?!”
Ah…
We were…
similar all along.
“That day, my dad…” I wanted to change her perception of me, but the thoughts inside my head clouded my mind.
“Nevermind.
Take care on your way home.”
I started walking away until I reached my car.
I just sat in the driver’s seat for God knows how long while staring at nowhere.
I held my head and massaged it while taking deep breaths.
________________________
“My dad…
When I was a child, he told me that I should grow up like him and not like my mom.” I told my doctor while staring outside her office window.
“I didn’t know what he meant.
If that was supposed to be something good, I still couldn’t understand because growing up, I never saw any good trait that I could possibly get from him.”
“Did he add something to what he said?”
“He said…
I should grow up like him, so I would understand the things he was doing before…
and if I grow up like my mom, I’d just be a lying, pathetic bitch who will eventually beg him on her knees.” I still remembered everything he said.
All those things that lived inside my head for years.
He said a lot of awful stuff before.
“It makes me wonder, though, did I grow up like my dad or my mom?”
“Don’t you think it isn’t any of the two?
That is also another option in that question.
You are you, Shan.
You are not your mom nor your dad.”
I smiled bitterly, still looking outside the window.
“You think so?
Because I think I’m growing up like a mixture of them.
I think I’m starting to hurt other people because of my problems, like how they hurt me before because of theirs.”
“May I know why?
Has anything happened recently, Shan?” She asked, concerned.
“I didn’t want to lie.” I didn’t know there were already tears running down my cheeks.
I smiled painfully.
“But God…
It feels so easier to lie than to open up.”
“I understand, Shan.
Opening up to another person is not something that you can do in a snap of a finger.
You need preparation, you need trust, you need to build a deeper relationship, and most importantly, you need to be comfortable.
Not being able to open up does not make you a bad person, Shan.
If you feel bad about lying, next time, maybe you should step back first and say that you need more time, that it’s not something light that you could easily say.
Maybe the other person also needs to know that it is not something as easy as saying your favorite color or your favorite food.
It is much more and deeper than that.”
“I do…
I do feel bad.
I feel so bad.” I covered my eyes with my hands and let my head fall back on the couch.
“If you feel bad and you think that you made a mistake, then you know what to do to ease that feeling.
It is not too late to apologize, remember?
You have been doing that for the past week.
Take your time…
Think about what you are feeling.
Think about what you did and how to fix that.
If you really want to open up to this person but you couldn’t, then build a relationship with trust.
You will know when you’re ready.”
_________________________
“One iced americano.
The free drink could be a latte, if possible.
That will be all.”
While she was looking away, I grabbed a pad of sticky notes and wrote something after preparing her order.
I stared at it for so long, thinking if I should put the note there…
or would it just piss her off?
Apologize.
You know how to do that, right?
“Here’s your order.
Enjoy your day.” I served two cups in front of her, nervous that she would see the note at the back…
but she didn’t.
I felt relieved when she went out of the coffee shop.
I looked down on the floor while my hands were holding the edge of the counter.
I sighed heavily, nervous at how she would reply…
or would she even?
______________________________
“Where are you looking, Shan?” Ericka asked and followed my gaze but I just covered my side so they couldn’t see Kierra.
She was with her cousin at the restaurant next to us.
shanlopez: Do you want to talk a bit?
Let’s go to the convenience store at the end of the street.
“I’ll just buy something,” I said goodbye to my friends.
“What?
Yosi?
Are you smoking again, bro?” Arman asked me.
I laughed at him and shook my head.
“I’m just going to buy some ice cream.”
“Buy us some ice cream too!” Helen said.
I just nodded at them and walked to the convenience store.
Kierra still followed although she didn’t reply.
I stood next to her while she chose ice cream.
“Let me make it up to you.” I said softly.
“Let’s go out.
Let’s go to a mall or something.”
“Are you asking me out again?” She wasn’t pleased by that.
“Then?
“I couldn’t show myself to you last time.” I couldn’t show you my past…
my scars, but I will try.
“I’m going to be careful now.”
“You always give vague answers…
What makes you think I could trust what you’re saying?”
Trust.
That was what I was trying to build.
I knew we already had trust in each other, but it wasn’t enough for us to really show ourselves to each other.
“I’m letting myself get played.” She said softly, and even laughed sarcastically.
“Only that I’m not playing.” And I was saying the truth.
“Not this time.”
I had no idea where this would take me.
I had no idea what kind of relationship we were trying to build.
Was it friendship or something deeper than that?
I don’t know what awaits me at the end of this, but I want to find out.
I wanted to know her.
She just looked at me without saying a word before walking out of the store.
I chuckled to myself because she hadn’t reacted at all to what I said.
When I returned to our table, I didn’t even have any ice cream for my friends.
“Then what did you get from the store?” Helen asked me.
“I don’t even know…” I looked back at Kierra’s table.
They were gone already.
“I didn’t even get an answer…
but it’s fine.
I’m willing to wait.”
KIERRA
“Are you really willing to wait?
They still have to get the key.
We can just move on to the next destination.”
I was just sitting on the edge of the stage with my legs dangling from it while Ciandrei sat beside me.
I had asked them to open the covered court and the library because I wanted to show him the places that were important to me.
“I was a member of the Art Club in high school!
We were always decorating whenever there was an event on this stage.
Foundation Day was always my favorite because the gates were open, and it was a huge event.
A lot of students from other schools came.” I happily told him.
He just looked at me and listened with a smile on his lips.
“Yeah, I know…” He laughed and looked ahead.
“There were a lot of booths on this ground, like arcade games where you could win a doll.
You also had a café upstairs.” He even pointed at the places he was talking about.
“Oh?!
How did you know?!
Did you visit here too?!” I felt thrilled.
“Which school did you say you studied at again?
Lopez High?”
He nodded and laughed for no reason.
It was as if he suddenly remembered something.
“I already saw you before.”
“Huh?!” I turned to him in surprise.
Where?!
Why was he only telling me this now?
Had we already met?!
“Where?!”
“Here.
In this school.
You greeted Acel.” He told me.
“You know him, right?
Or did you forget him too?”
“Acel?!
Pres?!” I was even more shocked that we had mutual friends, although I didn’t really talk to Pres anymore.
“You’re friends?!
Wow, the world is so small!
Why can’t I remember you?!”
He was just laughing at me while I kept asking questions out of curiosity.
I really just didn’t expect that we had already met before!
What were the chances that we would see each other again now?
“Ma’am, the back is open now.” The guard said.
I jumped down from the stage and pulled Ciandrei by the wrist toward the covered court.
“You know, my friends and I used to play volleyball here!
I’m not a player, but it was part of our P.E.
The court is beautiful, isn’t it?
And over there on the bleachers, we always hung out during recess.” I pointed at the bleachers while he looked around.
“Your mom owns this school, right?” He asked me.
“It’s beautiful.
How is she now?”
“She’s fine.
Why are you asking?” I raised an eyebrow at him.
“You know, you should meet my mom!
She’s kind.”
“I know…” He said quietly.
“So you played volleyball here, huh?
What else did you do during high school?”
I told him how our group of friends came together while we were in the library.
When we got tired of walking around, we went to Wings Club.
That was another place that was important to me.
“This is also important to me.” He said as he sat across from me.
“My friends and I used to eat here a lot.”
“No way?!
Us too!
Why didn’t I ever see you here?” I asked in confusion.
“Your memory is so bad, Kierra.” He shook his head at me.
“You should remember it by now.”
I still really couldn’t remember what he was talking about.
“Maybe you just didn’t leave an impression on me.” I shot back.
“Whatever.” He just laughed and sipped through the paper straw of his drink without holding the glass itself.
He looked like a kid doing that.
“You’ll spill it, idiot.” I held the glass because it looked like he was going to spill it with the nonsense he was doing.
“Fine, I’ll hold it.”
I straightened my posture when he placed his hand over mine to hold the glass.
I rolled my eyes at him before pulling my hand away, then gently ruffled the hair that had fallen over his forehead.
That was the only part I could reach.
“I like Garlic Parmesan and Salted Egg.
What about you?” I asked about the wing flavors.
“Jack Daniel’s Barbecue.” He answered as he gently wiped my mouth with a tissue.
When I took off my plastic gloves, he grabbed some wipes to clean my hands.
After we finished, we went outside to return to his car.
We just couldn’t leave because it was raining.
“You didn’t bring my umbrella?” He asked me.
“How would I know anything about your umbrella?” He was even blaming me!
He let out a sigh and took off the jacket he was wearing to cover my head.
“Let’s go.”
He held the jacket above my head with both hands so I wouldn’t get wet while we walked to his car.
He even opened the door for me.
As soon as he got into the car, he immediately reached for the small towel in the back and quietly wiped the arm that had gotten wet, even though water was dripping from his own hair.
He was completely soaked.
“Why don’t you take care of yourself first?” I said to him.
“It’s fine.
You come first.” He said absentmindedly.
When he saw that I was already dry, only then did he wipe himself off.
He even turned off the air conditioner because he said he was feeling cold.
He said we’d just continue the topic of “places important to us” next time because it was already getting dark.
He drove me back to the condo, and I immediately cleaned myself up.
When I lay down on my bed, I saw that Ciandrei had sent me a text.
From: Ciandrei
Good night, Ke.
_________________________
Everything went back to normal once I returned to school.
There was so much to do again even though Christmas break was just around the corner, so I became busy too.
Ciandrei and I didn’t get to see each other that often, but we still talked through chat or text.
I was busy studying.
“How are you, Kierra?” Dr.
Peja asked when I came back.
“Very stressed and distracted because of school.
School kept me occupied.
The nightmares lessened because I haven’t really been getting much sleep either with how much I have to do.
I’m… fine.
I could say I’m not feeling worse than before.” I said honestly.
“That’s good… But remember that sleep is also important.
Take a break when you have to.
Your health is important.” She calmly replied to me.
“How about your progress with going outside?”
“I went back to some places that were important to me before the… incident happened.
It made me happy thinking about my old self… and how I used to live.
I guess it lessened the hatred I have for myself a bit… The high school me was so bright and innocent.” I gave myself a small smile.
“But I felt bad… because I also remembered what kind of future was waiting for her.
I betrayed that kid.”
“No, Kierra… You did not betray yourself.
I’m sure the younger you was also so loving.
You remained full of love, and you just extended that love to other people.
It is not your fault that that person turned out to be not what you thought he would be.
He betrayed you, Kierra.
It wasn’t you who betrayed yourself.” Dr.
Peja gave me a comforting smile.
I slowly nodded.
“He put in all that effort just to ruin a person.
The nice dinner, the bouquet of roses, the way he asked me to be his girlfriend.
All that effort… to make me feel special, then just treat me like shit in the end…”
— Flashback —
“Will you be my girlfriend, Kierra?” He asked me after we finished eating.
I wasn’t expecting that!
I almost choked on the water I was drinking when he suddenly handed me flowers and asked me that.
“Are you okay?” I was coughing so much that he got worried and rubbed my back.
“Why would you surprise me like that?!” I asked him, blushing.
“It’s supposed to be a surprise, Kierra.
You’re supposed to be surprised.” He smiled.
“So… What do you say?
Is that a yes?”
Of course!” I even shouted at him.
His smile widened, and he hugged me tightly.
“Thank you!
I promise I’ll take care of you no matter what happens.” He kissed me on the lips.
I smiled while looking into his eyes.
“You’re the most important woman in my life.
I promise I’ll cherish you.
Ah, I could never hurt someone as precious as you.” He hugged me again and stroked my hair.
It was my first time being in a relationship.
That night, I even searched the internet about what a girlfriend was supposed to do.
I searched for tips on having a good relationship and being a good girlfriend.
I took care of him a lot.
I brought him food whenever he was busy studying.
I bought him medicine whenever he said something was hurting.
I was his one-call-away.
I didn’t get to spend much time with my friends anymore because I was always with Miguel.
I just loved him that much.
I longed for someone to take care of, not as a friend.
I wanted to pour my love into someone more than that.
I felt happy when he was happy.
I felt loved when he appreciated all my efforts.
__________________________
“Do you need help with your plates?” He asked me worriedly, then kissed the side of my head.
“You shouldn’t stay up all night for that.
Get some sleep too, Kierra.
You’ll get sick.”
“It’s okay, come on.
I have to finish this.
Go to sleep.” I said to him because I was going to sleep at his condo.
I was always hanging out here already because I preferred that we were together.
“You got a text…” He picked up my phone and looked at it for a moment before handing it to me.
“Who’s that?”
“Ah, it’s just Sevi, my friend.
He’s at the condo my cousin and I live in, hanging out and looking for me.” I explained to him.
“Is that normal for friends, for a guy to go to your condo?
Maybe he just likes you.
What do you even do at your condo?” He asked me calmly.
I looked at him and laughed.
“Are you jealous?
Idiot, he always comes over to eat at our condo.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
We’ve been friends for a long time, and he doesn’t like me!
We’re really just friends.
He’s practically like a brother to us.”
“Sorry, babe.
I’m just not comfortable with a guy going to your condo.” He said to me.
“Can you keep your distance from him?”
I was doing everything he asked because I wanted to be a good girlfriend.
If he wasn’t comfortable with someone, I tried to distance myself from that person.
If there was something he didn’t like, I didn’t do it.
I wanted to maintain our relationship.
I thought it was… love.
____________________________
“What are you looking at?” I asked as soon as I entered the room because I saw him holding my phone.
“Nothing.
Just checking if you’re cheating on me.” He laughed and placed my phone on the side.
I frowned and picked it up.
“I would never do something like that.” I said to him as I sat on the edge of the bed.
“You know I love you, right?
I can never do that to you.
Just trust me.”
“I trust you.” He kissed my forehead.
“You’re a nice woman.
I just don’t trust the men around you.
They might do something to you.”
“Oh, come on… Sevi and Arkin are completely harmless.” I just laughed and lay down.
“I’m sleepy.
Let’s go to sleep.”
I took everything lightly because I hated having problems.
I grew up without having many things to worry about.
I was a happy and carefree person because I was often with my cheerful cousin.
I was happy when I was with my friends, and I was also happy when I was with Miguel… so when he made me choose who I would spend time with, I didn’t know what to answer.
“Why are you making me choose?
I already told you last week that I was going out with my friends…” I calmly said to him.
“Is that outing really more important?
You said you’d come with me to buy clothes to wear to Dad’s party.” He said to me.
“I’m going to the mall today.”
“I’m so sorry.
I already told my friends.
Can’t we do it tomorrow instead?” I tried again, but his face only became serious.
“That wasn’t even scheduled for today.”
“I don’t know about you, Ke.
You always put your friends first.”
He turned his back on me and walked away.
I could only sit down on the bench and let out a sigh, thinking about what I should do.
In the end, I wasn’t able to go with my friends because I chose to go with my boyfriend instead.
“Thank you, Ke!
You’re the best.”
He was so happy when I told him I would go with him.
I just smiled.
He was happy, so I ended up being happy too.
I didn’t like making him sad or angry.
I always wanted him to be happy.
I was always sharing my good vibes with him because he already had too many problems at school and with his family.
He told me that I was his comfort.
I was the only one who could calm him down, and I believed that.
“Oh no… It’s raining.” I said to him.
“I have an umbrella.”
I took out my umbrella and gave it to him.
He opened the umbrella and walked ahead of me toward the car.
I immediately followed him while covering my head with my hand.
I stood under the umbrella beside him, but because the umbrella was small, I was still getting wet from the rain.
When we got into his car, he was obviously no longer in the mood.
“Damn it, it had to rain!” He said irritably while wiping himself dry.
He got a little wet because the umbrella he was carrying was small.
He even handed me the wet umbrella so I could fold it.
It ended up dripping onto my clothes.
I got even wetter.
I could only give myself a small smile.
“Can I borrow a towel?
I got wet…” I said to him.
“Wait, I’m still using it.” He said emotionlessly.
I just fell silent and looked for some tissue to wipe myself with.
“Shit, the seat got wet!
You should’ve dried yourself first before getting in.”
“Ah, sorry.
There wasn’t anything to dry myself with…” I bit my lower lip.
“It’s okay.
Sorry… I’m just in a bad mood.
I love you.”
He kissed my forehead and handed me the towel.
I just smiled at him.
He said sorry, so that was enough.
— End of Flashback —
“Every time he apologized, I forgave him.
I kept thinking that he didn’t mean it… that he was just angry… that he was just in a bad mood that day… I tried so hard to understand.” I told Dr.
Peja.
I smiled sarcastically.
“So he took advantage of that.
Maybe he thought everything was okay because all he had to do was say ‘sorry’ to Kierra, and everything would be fine.
But he was slowly… staining my idea of love.”
“He was exercising excessive control at the start of the relationship and disguising it as love and protection.
During those times, were you already having doubts?”
I shook my head.
“It was my first relationship, so I didn’t know how things worked.
I hadn’t experienced something good, so I couldn’t differentiate it from something bad.
I never thought about leaving him because I thought those things were normal… that that was just his way of expressing his love.
He wanted to control me… and he accused me of cheating a lot.
Cheaters are usually afraid that their partners are doing the same thing they’re doing.”
I didn’t cry when I told the story.
I only felt anger, but I didn’t feel the need to cry.
I didn’t feel empty when I left the office.
I was too distracted by everything I needed to accomplish that day.
I didn’t cry… but I didn’t feel too confident that I wouldn’t in the next session.
I still felt something.
It wasn’t going away… but I was slowly learning how to control it.
Feeling in control of myself… It had been so long since I last felt that because I was used to that person controlling me.
“Places important to me.” I whispered to myself on my way home.
I took out my phone to send a message.
To: Ciandrei
Have you thought of our next destination?
Places important to you.
He replied quickly.
From: Ciandrei
Yes, when you’re free.
To: Ciandrei
Where?
From: Ciandrei
You should say hi to my mom 🙂
To: Ciandrei
I don’t want to cross over into the afterlife yet.
You’re scary.
Haha.
From: Ciandrei
HAHAHAHAHAHA I meant the cemetery, dummy.
I ended up laughing while typing my reply, but he sent another message.
From: Ciandrei
I’m sure she would want to see you again.
She admired you when you were a little kid, you ball of sunshine.