SHAN
“Stay here, child.
We will be back tomorrow, okay?”
My mom kissed my forehead and lightly touched my cheek, grazing her thumb on the side while looking at me with so much adoration.
I think it was already midnight, so my mind was still half-asleep.
I just nodded as I watched the door close.
The next morning, I was left alone in the house, but my mom left food for me and some sticky notes.
She said she went to Manila with my stepdad to process my enrollment in Lopez High, and they would be back today as well, so I didn’t have to worry.
I made sure the doors were locked before I went to the living room to watch TV while eating.
It was my vacation, so I couldn’t do anything but watch and play on my phone.
Since my mom left food for me, I didn’t have any problems the whole day.
I kept looking outside to check if they were back already until I realized that it was raining so hard.
I opened the curtain again and peeked outside, but I couldn’t see anything anymore because the rain was pouring so heavily.
I just sat back down on the sofa and called Mom.
[“Yes, child?
We’re already on our way home.
Are you alright there?”] I felt comfort when I heard her voice.
“Yes, Mommy… It’s raining hard outside,” I told her.
[“I know.
Lock the doors and don’t go out.
Also, charge your phone and the power banks in case the electricity goes out.
We’re almost there.
Are you scared, baby?”]
“No…” I shook my head even though she wouldn’t be able to see it.
“Take care, Mommy… and Tito too.
I love you.”
[“I love you, child.
Bye-bye!
I’ll see you later!”]
But she did not come home.
They didn’t.
I waited and waited until I fell asleep on the sofa, holding my phone.
I only woke up when it rang, together with a series of knocks on the house door.
I immediately stood up and rubbed my eyes before peeking through the window.
I was happy because I thought it was my mom, but I saw my neighbors outside.
When I opened the door and faced them, they looked like they were relieved.
“The child is here!
Thank goodness the child wasn’t involved in the accident!”
I blinked twice, not understanding what they said.
Some hugged me and tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t understand anything.
I couldn’t understand why.
Some barangay staff in uniform came and brought me to their hall.
I was so confused.
“Do you have other relatives?
Do you have their contact information?” the woman asked softly.
“My mom and my stepdad,” I told them.
She pursed her lips and looked down, holding my hand tightly.
I didn’t know why she looked so devastated.
“Your mom and your stepdad got into an accident on their way home…” It almost sounded like a whisper.
“Are they okay?” It was as if what had happened still wasn’t sinking into my mind.
So… where were they?
“Are they at the hospital?
Can I visit?” I innocently asked.
“Ciandrei…” She sighed heavily.
“Do you have other relatives who could be with you?”
I couldn’t speak because I couldn’t think of anyone either.
I was still worried about my mom and my stepdad.
What happened to them?
Why couldn’t they tell me?
Will they still come home?
Have they left me?
But… Mom said she would come home.
Mom said she would be back.
“The real father is in the records.
Let’s just call him,” said one of the men who entered the room.
My eyes widened when I realized that they were about to call my dad.
My hands started shaking in fear while I looked down, trying to calm myself down.
I didn’t know how long I stayed there, but they brought me back home after an hour or two and accompanied me.
“Don’t worry, Shan.
It looks like your Daddy is already on his way,” one of our neighbors said.
I still couldn’t understand what they were trying to say.
Do I need him to be able to visit the hospital?
Why are they accompanying me?
Can I just go alone?
Were they in critical condition?
After hours, the last person I wanted to see just appeared on our doorstep.
I immediately stood up and slowly walked backwards, staring at him wide-eyed.
It was like I saw a childhood monster at the door.
“No…” I whispered.
“I’m Ciandrei’s dad.” he greeted the other people before talking to some of them.
His eyes wandered around until he saw me staring at him in fear.
When he started walking towards me, my body froze, and my feet were glued to the floor.
He knelt in front of me and gave me a tight hug.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t feel the warmth in his embrace.
“I’m so sorry this happened, child… Let’s go… We’ll process your mom’s papers.”
I was holding onto the armrest of the sofa when he tried to pull me away with him.
My strength was nothing compared to his, so I eventually let go of what I was holding onto and was forced to go with him.
I didn’t know where he was taking me, but he had bodyguards with him who were told to get my belongings.
He left me in a hotel and said he would process some papers for my mom.
I cried silently on the bed alone while thinking of my mother.
I just wanted to see her.
Where is she?
Why can’t they just tell me?
The next morning, I was woken up by a man.
I was about to get scared being in an unfamiliar room until I saw Kuya Roel in front of me.
He helped me sit up on the bed before telling me to get dressed because we were leaving.
I showered and wore the clothes prepared on my bed.
A white long-sleeved polo and black slacks.
I was familiar with the road.
We were already on our way to Manila.
Maybe my mom had been transferred to a hospital in Manila.
I was very excited to see her.
I hoped that she was finally healing from the accident.
I fell asleep during the trip because it was so long.
I only woke up when the vehicle stopped, and I got out while Kuya Roel was holding my hand.
We were entering a hall.
There were many vehicles outside, and there were also flowers by the entrance.
When I entered the hall, some people I didn’t know hugged me and told me that I was a strong boy.
Kuya Roel held my hand tightly as we approached the white casket in front.
My heart started beating so fast when a thought entered my mind.
I kept denying it until we stopped in front of it and I saw my mom inside the casket.
My world suddenly stopped.
“Mom?” I called.
She had her eyes closed.
She was wearing a white dress.
“W-what happened to Mom?
Why is she… Why…” I didn’t know what to say.
I kept shaking my head, not believing what was already in front of me.
I started walking backwards until I fell on the steps and cried loudly on the floor.
Kuya Roel tried to hold me, but I pushed him away while crying as if I had just lost my whole world.
I cried for hours until I got sick and just blacked out.
The next thing I knew, I was already in a room with a glass of water on the side table.
My eyes were hurting so badly that I couldn’t even open them properly.
I felt sick.
My body was sweating, and I refused to eat the whole day.
“Come on… Eat first, Ciandrei.
You’ll only get sicker if you keep this up,” Kuya Roel tried to convince me, but I just covered myself with a blanket and refused.
“Your Mommy wouldn’t like this…”
When I heard him mention my mom, tears started flowing down my cheeks again.
I cried every night and did not attend the remaining days of the wake because I couldn’t bear to see her like that.
When it was finally the day of her burial, I stood from afar with a flower in my hand.
“Come on… Give that to her.” Kuya Roel supported me as he guided me to the front.
I stood at the edge and closed my eyes, tears running down my face.
“I love you,” I whispered before throwing the flower onto her casket.
I loved my mother with all my heart and soul despite the broken promises, the heartbreak, and the disaster they made me go through.
She was not the perfect woman nor the perfect mother, but she always made me feel loved and appreciated.
She protected me and sacrificed a lot for me.
I couldn’t see life without her.
I was ready… I was ready to accept the new life she introduced to me… until she was gone.
Until I couldn’t anymore.
I didn’t know how many days I cried nonstop, blaming myself.
If only I had not asked her if I could study in Manila, she wouldn’t have… gotten into an accident on her way back.
Just when I was starting to feel at peace, my mom and my stepdad left me alone… and I was back in the monster’s lair.
“Shan, this is your sister, Elyse.”
I looked at the kid in front of me.
She didn’t know how to act and was holding onto her mom’s wrist while staring at me.
A sister.
I immediately looked her over to see if there were bruises on her body, but there were none.
She looked perfectly fine.
“Hello, Shan… I’m Tita Erin.
I’m Elyse’s mom.” The woman gave me a smile.
She was very familiar to me.
My dad’s new wife, huh?
And their kid.
Judging by the kid’s age, they had her when my mom and dad were still together.
I didn’t speak and just walked past them so I could go to my old room.
This house brought back so many memories that could make me sick.
Good thing they had already renovated my room and replaced the furniture.
I would go crazy just by looking at it.
I stayed inside my room the whole day until I felt hungry, so I went downstairs to the kitchen.
I saw Elyse playing with her dolls in the living room while I was getting water.
I sat on the stool and just watched with a cookie in my hand.
The good thing about my dad’s company being so successful was that he stayed in the office more than he stayed in the house.
I felt safe just by not having him around.
According to Kuya Roel, he had been out the whole day because he was busy at the office.
I almost choked on my cookie when I heard the loud sound of glass shattering on the floor.
I immediately went to Elyse and saw her holding her dad’s broken watch.
She was trying to use it as the doll’s belt.
“Hey, let that go.
You’re going to get hurt,” I told her.
And just when I was hoping that my dad wouldn’t come home early, I heard him getting out of the car.
I started panicking while cleaning up the broken glass.
I could already picture his face full of rage because of the watch.
“What happened here?” he asked as soon as he came inside the house and saw us.
“Is that my watch?!” he asked in shock when he saw what Elyse was holding.
I immediately went to Elyse and hugged her tightly, my back facing my dad so that he couldn’t hurt her.
“She didn’t mean to!” I said in her defense.
“Elyse, can you hand it to me, please?” Dad asked calmly.
“I’ll just replace it with a new one.
It’s getting old already, anyway.”
My brows furrowed in confusion when I let Elyse go, and she stood up to hand the watch to my dad.
Her mom also came downstairs and worriedly cleaned up the glass on the floor, scolding her a little for breaking the watch.
I blinked twice, not understanding what had just happened.
He didn’t look mad at all.
Was he trying to hide his true self?
Or… had he changed?
Why?
How?
Why would he only act like that… now?
Did he even regret everything he did to us before?
“Wow, you did so well on your assignment, Elyse!” I heard Dad say while looking at my half-sister’s elementary school assignment.
She scored 89/100.
Flashbacks of him getting mad and hurting me when I scored 98/100 played inside my mind.
I was horrified and confused.
Was he the same man I knew before?
The hatred inside me only grew as I realized that he was treating his family better now, something he couldn’t do before.
If he could be a wise man, why didn’t he become one before?
Why did he give me years… and years of pain if he knew how to become a great father?
“Elyse, let’s eat dinner now,” he called to her.
Elyse’s mom glanced at me while she was on her way to the dining room, so she stopped and smiled at me.
“Come on, Shan.
Let’s go eat.
You must be hungry already.”
Her voice sounded soft and soothing, but I shook my head and just went upstairs.
I couldn’t eat with them.
I couldn’t watch them play happy family without remembering what happened to my mom and me.
“Shan?” I heard Elyse’s mom knock on my door.
“I brought you dinner… You should eat.”
I didn’t open the door.
“I’ll just leave the tray here, okay?
You can eat whenever you feel hungry… It’s going to get cold.”
I wanted to hate them.
I wanted to hate her.
I wanted to hate Elyse… but how could I?
“Kuya?” I heard my sister knock on the door too.
“Are you going to eat your cookies?
If not, can I eat them?” I heard her giggle.
I stood up and opened my room, seeing her sitting on the floor in front of the tray.
She gave me an innocent smile while pointing at the cookies on my plate.
She was already eating one, actually.
She was even trying to hide it by not chewing, although her cheeks were obviously showing that she had food inside her mouth.
I could also see some cookie crumbs on the side of her lips.
I sat on the floor too, so we were already at the same level with the tray between us.
I gave her a small smile and handed her the cookie.
“You can eat it with me?” I offered.
“Thank you!” She smiled and started chewing, which made me smile.
KIERRA
“Do you have siblings?”
I shook my head at Ciandrei while he was driving to… wherever he was taking me.
I just looked outside, watching the lights.
“Do you live alone then?” he asked again, trying to strike up a conversation.
It was just too quiet inside the car.
“Is that why you don’t want to go home?”
“I live with my cousin.
I don’t want her to see me like this,” I answered him so he wouldn’t ask any more questions.
“Why?” he asked seriously.
“You don’t want to worry her, do you?”
I just nodded at him and didn’t say anything.
“Have you tried seeking professional help?”
“Dr.
Bautista,” I whispered.
“But I already stopped going.”
I felt like it was a cycle.
Maybe I didn’t give it more time… but when?
When would I stop going through the same devastating feeling over and over again?
I wanted it to stop… I wanted it to stop quickly because it hurt.
The feeling was breaking not just my heart but my body and mind.
It was slowly creeping inside me, consuming my whole system until I had nothing left.
I would build myself up again just to get through another day, only to have everything crumble again at night.
It was a cycle.
Endless trying.
I wanted to be okay already.
If only I could just snap my fingers and go back to how I used to be… but I knew that wouldn’t happen.
I still had a long road ahead of me… but how long?
What if… what if I ran out of time?
What if it took so long that I got tired?
What if I gave up on myself?
Would I give up on myself?
No… I wanted to win this battle.
I wanted to win this fight against myself.
I just didn’t know how far I could go.
Sometimes, I have strength… Sometimes, I don’t.
Sometimes, I just want to give up.
It’s so hard.
I feel like no one could ever understand me.
It was already nighttime, and I think dawn was almost approaching when he stopped the car by the side of the road.
I could hear the waves from afar.
I immediately took off my sandals and held them as I walked toward the sandy shore.
“Wait for me!” he shouted, but I continued walking, laughing at how slow he was.
He took off his shoes too and caught up with me until I stopped in front of the sea.
I looked down and watched my feet get soaked.
I smiled, feeling the cold water run down my legs as I stood on the wet sand.
When I turned around, Shan was already taking off his jacket so he could spread it on the sand and sit on it.
“We’re in Bataan,” I told him.
We had actually come so far.
“Don’t tell me you know this is my dad’s province?
Are you stalking me?”
He laughed at what I said and hugged one of his knees.
“Funny.
This is where my mom and I used to live.”
“Why did you move?” I asked.
“I was the only one who moved.”
The tone of his voice softened, as if he didn’t even want me to hear it.
So I walked closer and sat beside him so I could hear what he was about to say.
“So you left your mom here?” Since he said he was the only one who moved.
He smiled at me and tugged on my hair tie just to tease me.
The wind quickly blew my long hair as I glared at him with a hint of annoyance.
Even my bangs were being blown around, so my hair became messy.
“Attention seeker,” I said irritably as I tried to take my hair tie back from him, but he moved his hand farther away, deliberately teasing me.
“My hair will get all sticky if you don’t give that back.”
“This is nicer.
I can see your face clearly,” he said in a low voice while staring at my face.
The wind was blowing my hair backward, so my face was completely visible to him.
That just made me self-conscious!
I looked away from him and just stared at the sea.
It felt so comforting… just being here with the sea.
The cold air, the sea breeze, the sand, and the bright moon welcomed us from the sky.
It felt like an escape from reality.
He walked back to the car to get something, and when he returned, he placed two cups of noodles and a large insulated bottle on the sand so he could pour hot water into the cups.
I didn’t know he had stopped by a convenience store for this.
“Apologies.
This is the only thing I could offer.
I’ll take you out to a real fancy dinner next time,” he said as he handed me the cup.
“There’s no next time,” I said to him again while waiting for the noodles to cool down.
“That’s also what you said last time, but look where that got you.” He flashed his playful smile again, looking so proud.
“Don’t flatter yourself.
I could be with any other man.” I scoffed sarcastically.
“Hmm, really?
Then who are you eating cup noodles with in front of the beach at one in the morning?” He arched a brow before leaning close to my ear.
“No one but me, Kierra.” He whispered.
“You’re just the only one who’s available,” I continued defending myself while eating the noodles.
“No, Kierra.
You’re wrong.
I’m not available…” He shook his head at me.
“I made myself available.
There’s a difference.”
“And?
Do you need praise for that?” I raised a brow at him as well.
“Or an expression of gratitude?”
“Well, if you’re having a hard time saying it, don’t worry.
I also accept thanks in the form of kisses.” He shrugged.
The playful smile never faded from his lips.
I stared at him and gave him a fake smile before pushing his face away from me.
He even lost his balance and fell backward onto the sand while laughing.
He had a nice laugh and a nice smile, if only he wasn’t a jerk.
“Is this where you bring your women?” I asked just to get back at him.
“No.
Why would you assume that?” He laughed at me again while lying on the sand.
His hands were resting behind his head.
“Oh… You think you’re my woman?
I mean, who am I to complain…”
“You’re disgusting,” I said irritably.
“No wonder women slap you at the coffee shop.
You like pissing women off.”
“Correction.
I like making them feel good.” He even raised his index finger to correct me.
“Too good, actually.
You can vouch for that.”
“I couldn’t even remember you after that… Maybe because you didn’t leave an impression in bed,” I lied, looking up as if I were thinking.
He sat up properly and brushed the sand off his clothes.
“Of course, you wouldn’t be able to remember me.
I can’t blame you.” He nodded and patted my head.
“Maybe you got drunk from drinking a glass of water at the restaurant…”
“I refuse to talk about that night ever again,” I said firmly as I turned to face him.
His face was inches away from mine when I looked back, making me flinch a little in surprise, but I didn’t move away.
“I’ll bury that memory.”
“Only if you’ll invite me to its burial…” he whispered again.
I simply stood up and brushed the sand off my clothes before picking up my sandals.
“Let’s just go back to Manila!”
I started walking away, and he followed behind me, laughing.
It only annoyed me more because I could hear his teasing laughter.
I threw my empty cup of noodles into the trash bin before continuing to walk.
“You’re so easy to tease,” he said after catching up with me.
I wiped my feet first and brushed off the remaining sand before getting into his car.
I immediately put on my seatbelt and looked straight ahead, pretending I couldn’t see him.
“So… Do you feel better now?” he suddenly asked.
The tone of his voice had changed.
I knew that the smile on his face now was genuine.
There was no hint of playfulness.
No sarcasm.
No teasing.
“Weirdly… I do,” I answered softly.
He reached for my cheek and gently pinched it.
“It’s not weird to be happy.”