They kissed.
“I’ve lost it.”
I kissed a male friend with XY chromosomes.
“You’ve really lost it, Yoon Seonwoo.”
A kiss. I kissed Park Sion. I—of all people—kissed a guy. I can’t believe it. What the hell was I thinking doing something like that?
My once-solid sexual identity hadn’t just wavered—it completely collapsed. I must’ve heard the word “gay” so much that I actually became one.
“You’re insane, Yoon Seonwoo. You’ve completely lost your mind.”
I pressed my fingers to my temple, throbbing with pain. Did I get shot in the head? Or did I just get carried away in the moment? No, I was just bewitched by Park Sion’s face. That’s the only explanation.
“Fuck, I’m losing it…”
I clawed at my head and rolled around on the bed. My lips burned with a stinging ache from brushing the blanket. After being bitten, sucked, and tormented by Park Sion for a full two hours, my lips were probably swollen like a goddamn duck’s bill. Did I go temporarily insane? Why didn’t I push him away? He even said it would be okay if I did.
I squeezed my eyes shut in a desperate attempt to escape reality. But the moment I did, flashes from last night came rushing back. The pounding of my heart. The hot breath ghosting close to my face. Park Sion’s wounded face smiling at me, now and then. And most of all—those soft lips…
“Goddammit, you fucking lunatic—why do you keep thinking about that bastard’s lips!”
Park Sion only backed off after getting a call from home. He’d spent forever biting and licking my lips, and even then, before leaving, he ran his fingers longingly over my mouth like he was saying goodbye. And then we kissed again at the front door. And of course—I didn’t push him away. Fucking hell. Yoon Seonwoo, you really are out of your goddamn mind.
The feeling of his arm around my waist was still vivid. His panting breath, desperate like he was starving, with my lips between his—and those eyes tangled in a mess of emotion—kept tearing through my head over and over.
I couldn’t focus on anything. I got out of bed, cooked, did a deep clean I never usually bothered with—wore myself out—but I still couldn’t escape Park Sion.
That bastard’s toxic. He wrecks my head and then dares to smile so sweetly. I shuddered, remembering his calm, smiling face licking my lips. And whenever I thought about him, this strange, tingling sensation surged low in my stomach. A feeling I’d never had before. Not unpleasant, not exactly pleasant either—just incredibly weird. My cheeks wouldn’t stop burning.
Something drastic was needed. I must’ve been confused because I’d never had a girlfriend before. I mean, how could someone suddenly just become gay? I remembered hearing somewhere that in the chaos of adolescence, it wasn’t unusual to feel something for a same-gender friend.
I immediately grabbed my phone and opened the video app. I searched for a music video by an idol I used to really like. Being in an all-boys high school, it was probably Park Sion’s pretty face that briefly got to me. If I stared at other pretty people, I could definitely forget about him.
With a grim expression, I watched the music video. Pretty, innocent, cute, and cool members—over and over. Thankfully, one of them caught my eye. Haejeong noona, who used to be my ultimate bias. They say you can take a break from being a fan, but you never really quit. That familiar warmth came back and settled my stirred-up heart.
The moment the video ended, I moved on to watch her stage compilation and fancams.
She sang on screen, waved at fans, her voice clear and movements elegant. Her short black bob, pale skin, and delicately double-lidded eyes kept drawing my attention.
I loved all of her expressions, but her smile stood out—more than ever. I couldn’t look away from the dimples that formed on her cheeks when she smiled. The way the corners of her eyes curled up—so pretty. But seeing her again after all this time, she reminded me of someone…
As if in a trance, I was watching her fancam when suddenly, Park Sion’s face came to mind. Startled, I dropped my phone.
“You’ve really lost it. How dare you… how could you see Park Sion in her?”
This was getting pathological. Was I hallucinating? I rubbed my eyes and looked at the screen again. Her face overlapped with Park Sion’s. It felt like I’d just committed blasphemy. I hurriedly closed the app and flopped onto the sofa. Sion’s face appeared on the ceiling, then faded. He was at the end of every thought. At this point, it was out of my control. I gave up and let my thoughts run wild, sinking into all things Sion.
I hoped that bastard didn’t get scolded too much after going home. I wondered if he was eating well. Should I reach out first? And if I do, what the hell do I even say? Should I pretend like last night never happened and act normal? Would that hurt him? Or… maybe he wants me to pretend it didn’t happen?
Only one face shimmered like a mirage in my vision. From the moment I woke up to the second I closed my eyes, Park Sion haunted me nonstop. Even in my sleep, I dreamed of him. At this point, I had to admit it—I was clinically insane.
[What are you doing?]
Worse still was my phone, which hadn’t stopped buzzing since that day. Pathetically, I’d been reporting my every move to Park Sion for the past three days.
[Did you eat?]
[I’m eating this right now]
[Photo]
Apparently, he got caught sneaking out to my place that night, so now he had to stay home. A part of me was relieved we didn’t have to meet in person just yet—but there was a different problem. Park Sion messaged me as naturally and frequently as breathing.
[I can’t sleep without you]
[I’m tired]
[Dark circle bear emoji]
[I miss you]
[Send me a photo]
[I miss you, Seonwoo]
[Heart-shooting bear emoji]
“This kid’s really lost his damn mind too.”
I muttered while reading his messages. He even sent those dumb character emojis he’d never used before, trying to get his feelings across. I had no idea how to handle Park Sion like this, so I tossed my phone far away. As if on cue, it started ringing.
“…Hello.”
— Why didn’t you answer?
“Oh, I was just doing something.”
— What?
“Just… stuff…”
I couldn’t say I’d spent the whole day just thinking about him, so I dodged. Maybe he picked up on it—he chuckled through the line. Instantly, I imagined those chill, narrow eyes creasing softly as he smiled. I waved a hand in the air like I could scatter the image away. Clinging to what little reason I had left, I tried to sound casual.
“You doing okay?”
— With what?
“…Being stuck at home.”
— Eh, I got scolded already. That’s done.
“And your injuries?”
— Almost healed now.
“That’s good. Still, apply the ointment till they’re gone.”
— Just put it on for me next time we meet.
I immediately recalled the feeling of his lips against my fingers. My heart tickled. My lips tickled. God, why was this so embarrassing? Fidgeting with my fingers, I tried to think of what to say. Then his voice came through, soft and warm.
— My parents are going out of town starting tomorrow. They’ll be gone for about a week.
“Again?”
— Yeah.
“…”
— Wanna go see a movie tomorrow?
That sudden invitation made my lips tickle all over again. I puffed up my cheeks and hesitated. It’s just a movie—what’s so hard about saying yes? Friends go to movies all the time.
As if he were right in front of me, I hung my head. God, I’m pathetic. When I didn’t reply, his voice came again, coaxing. His smiling face rose in my mind—slow, sly.
— You’ll come, right?
“Ah, yeah. Then I’ll check with Kim Youngjin and Shin Jaeyoung too.”
— Why them?
“It’d be fun to go together.”
— No.
Park Sion shut it down with a firm voice. Was it still awkward with Shin Jaeyoung?
“If it’s because you’re not comfortable with Shin Jaeyoung, I’ll just ask Kim Youngjin—”
I quickly added. I really wanted Youngjin to come. I wasn’t ready to be alone with Park Sion yet.
— No Kim Youngjin. No Shin Jaeyoung. Just us two.
But Sion was unyielding. I knew how stubborn he was, so I didn’t push it. It’d be useless, and I’d just wear out my voice. When I said okay, his voice brightened again.
— I’ll come pick you up tomorrow.
“Let’s just meet at the theater.”
— No. I wanna see you sooner.
“…”
— Don’t you wanna see me? Don’t you miss me?
This boy’s completely snapped. That was so sweet it felt like I’d chugged a barrel of syrup. My whole body prickled. I cleared my throat instead of answering. He laughed again—soft.
“Hey, I should hang up.”
I said it because I really couldn’t take any more of this sweet talk. His voice dropped, full of disappointment.
— But I wanna keep talking…
“…”
— Can we stay on the phone until you fall asleep? Are you busy?
“No, not exactly…”
— I just wanna hear you breathe.
Just from his drawn-out words, I could picture the expression he was making. Foxy bastard. He really had a talent for reeling people in. And I… was world-class at falling for it.
Then came that sugary tone again. My ears flushed red from the heat rising.
— Seonwoo, don’t hang up. Please?
“…Fine. Let’s talk a little longer.”
— Thank you.
When I absentmindedly looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror, I saw a face I didn’t recognize. My own cheeks were flushed bright red. A strange flutter danced across my features. I stared at myself—this unfamiliar version of me—for a long time. The smile clinging to the corners of my lips felt alien. I couldn’t deny it any longer. That was the face of a boy falling in love for the first time.
Holy shit. So this is how I become gay.
In the end, I slept with my phone on all night. I didn’t even have anything to say, but I went to bed holding it in my hand. Is there anything more irrational and pointless than that? Ever since I met Park Sion, I’ve found myself doing things even I don’t understand.
“Did you sleep well?”
And when I actually saw Park Sion again, he was exactly the same. The way his cool hand naturally grabbed mine the moment we met, the way his eyes curved softly into a smile whenever our gazes met—none of it had changed. The only thing different was how I reacted to him. I clung to him and yet couldn't let him in, like a glitching, broken-down robot.
He stared at me, then reached up to gently cup my cheek, as if to stop me from looking away. I felt like my heart was about to leap out of my mouth. I stared back at him wide-eyed, the white summer sunlight pouring over his head like a halo.
“Why can’t you look me in the face? I got ready with you in mind today.”
“Ah, well… the sunlight’s kind of blinding…”
In response, he raised his palm and made a little shade above my forehead. Only then did I manage to look at him properly, albeit awkwardly.
He said he made an effort, and I guess he did look more handsome than usual… but I had zero fashion sense, so I couldn’t tell what exactly he’d done. Maybe the clothes were expensive? His bangs were pushed back a bit, so he probably did something with his hair too—but I couldn’t tell.
Whatever it was, the fact was he looked especially good today. Not that it mattered. Whether he made an effort or not, Park Sion always looked pretty to me.
As I looked at him, he gave me a small smile and asked:
“How do I look?”
“…Pretty.”
The word slipped out before I could stop it. And once it was out, I couldn’t take it back. I scratched my cheek in embarrassment. Sion furrowed his brows, grinning like he couldn’t believe what I’d just said. “Not pretty, handsome,” he muttered, almost scolding—but it was a soft, fond kind of scolding.
We arrived at the movie theater and stood in front of the show schedule. I could’ve just spoken normally, but instead, Park Sion kept leaning in close, asking in a low voice which movie I wanted to see. His breath brushed against my bare neck, and my heart, which had just started to settle, began racing again. The A/C was blasting inside the theater, cool enough to almost feel chilly, and yet my face kept heating up.
I stood with my shoulders stiff, awkwardly trapped beneath Sion’s arm. He looked at me, openly amused by how uncomfortable I was.
“It’s our first date.”
Date. He emphasized that word in particular. When I couldn’t lift my head out of sheer embarrassment, he doubled over laughing, clutching his stomach. God, this was unbearable. Was there no hole I could crawl into?
After laughing for a while, Park Sion took out his phone. A loud ringtone rang out. His face went serious as he checked the caller ID.
“Hang on, I need to take this. It’s my dad.”
“Ah, okay.”
“Go buy snacks with this. I’ll be back soon.”
He handed me his wallet. I accepted it, but the thought of letting him pay for popcorn too, on top of the tickets, made me feel kind of shameless. I stood in the long concession line and reached into my pocket for the wallet.
But it slipped from my hand.
As I bent to pick it up, something small and square fell out.
What the hell is this? I picked it up quickly and recognized it immediately. It was a condom.
“…Why the hell is this in here?”
I clutched it quickly before anyone could see, shoving it into my pocket like I’d committed a crime. I’d only ever seen one during sex ed. This was my first time seeing one in real life. What kind of high schooler walks around with a condom in his wallet? Park Sion, you goddamn delinquent.
I bolted from the popcorn line. My heart was pounding—I needed to get somewhere quiet. My brain swarmed with a thousand filthy thoughts.
Of course, our sex ed teacher always said sex wasn’t something to be ashamed of. That it was best to wait until adulthood, but if it happened before that, you should always use protection. That it was a way of respecting and protecting yourself and your partner. I agreed with that.
So in that sense, Sion’s preparedness was admirable. At the very least, he wasn’t some scumbag trying to go in raw. But if he had it because he was planning for something with me, that changed everything.
What if we actually do it? What if we do that thing I can’t even say out loud? I’m not ready. And… would he use it, or would I? He’s prettier than me, so probably me, right? I glanced down at my lower half.
I really, really couldn’t picture it.
“What are you thinking so hard about with your head down?”
“Huh? Oh—no, no, I just saw a bug on the floor…”
“A bug?”
I stomped at the ground like I was killing something. A bug—what a stupid lie. This place was practically brand new. But Sion seemed to believe me. He wrapped an arm around my waist, saying he hated bugs. Startled, I looped my arm awkwardly around his back.
And that was how I lost my chance to slip the condom back into his wallet. It didn’t weigh anything, but it made my pocket feel heavy.
“You didn’t buy popcorn?”
“The line was too long.”
“Well, it’s almost showtime. Let’s just eat something nice afterward.”
“Okay.”
He reached for my hand. I swallowed and took it. At this point, even the old “what kind of friends hold hands” complaint felt pointless. I had no excuse, no will to push Park Sion away anymore.
We kept holding hands even inside the dark theater. It wasn’t crowded, and we were seated in the back—no one would see us. Now and then, he rested his head on my shoulder. Every time his soft hair brushed my neck, a buzz tingled in my lower belly, and I had to hold my breath. Every sound, every movement from Park Sion made my skin hypersensitive. I couldn’t even tell what language the characters on screen were speaking anymore.
His fingers rubbed mine gently, then grew warmer. I could feel his eyes on me in the dark. That cool, refreshing scent of his teased my nose.
“I wanna kiss you again.”
He whispered it right into my ear. I flinched and turned to him. His eyes had lost their smile—they burned now. I had a feeling mine probably looked the same.
I wanted to touch Park Sion. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to kiss him again. Those strange, ravenous urges were tearing through my mind.
Was I even here to watch a movie? Or was I here to battle my own horny demons? I looked at the screen—but all I could think about was that kiss. And now he was whispering he wanted more, brushing his lips against my neck, fanning the flames of my filthy imagination. Thank god the theater was dark—my whole face must’ve been red to the ears.
When the movie ended, I couldn’t remember the lead actor’s face. All I saw in my head was Park Sion. All I’d done was sit and think about him—and I felt completely drained.
As the theater lights slowly came on, I slipped my hand out of his and stood up cautiously. Even with the air conditioning, my face was hot. Sion got up behind me and gently swept his fingers down my cheek, then wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“Hot?”
“Yeah. Kinda.”
He squinted and smiled. Definitely amused. Then he used his fingers to lightly stroke the tips of my red ears, careful not to let anyone else see. Electricity ran down my spine. That fox. He knew I was thinking about him like crazy.
We walked out of the theater, blending into the crowd. Sion practically caged me in with his arms as if shielding me from everyone else. I could feel his firm chest through the thin T-shirt. When I tried to move away, his hand gripped tighter around my shoulder. His face, when I caught a glimpse, looked smug. His scent and body heat made me feel feverish all over again.
The sticky summer air tousled my hair as we stepped outside. My cheeks were burning. I grimaced, the ends of my bangs tickling my forehead.
Even after we left, he kept his arm around me. Every so often, his fingers would graze my earlobe. Each time they brushed, I straightened up and exhaled through my nose, trying not to lose control.
“Can’t you just walk on your own?”
“Nope.”
“You’re heavy. Move.”
I tried to push him away, sliding a step to the side. But he just grabbed me again.
“You’re really flushed. Your face has been red this whole time.”
“It’s hot. So just—back off a little.”
“No.”
His voice was firm, but his lips curled up in a grin. Under the sweltering midday sun, he looked radiant. It made me dizzy. God, I must be so deep under his spell.
“You sure you’re not running a fever?”
His cool hand brushed my overheated face. Slowly, he leaned in closer. And then—his cold forehead pressed gently against mine.
“Might be a slight fever. You feel kinda warm.”
The distance between us vanished in an instant. His refreshing scent flooded my nose, and I felt my head spin. I inhaled sharply and exhaled. But even then, my heart wouldn’t calm down. It was about to explode.