Love is an emotion. Emotions are not everlasting. So love, being an emotion, probably can’t be held onto for long either. It comes rushing in like a wave, only to quickly grow calm again.
That’s why love is definitely not something you can rely on. How could anyone trust or depend on something that brushes past like the wind? So I’ve always undervalued love. It’s an anxious, precarious emotion that could be revoked at any time.
But then I happened to come across a new definition of love in some book. It said that love is connected to our incompleteness.
Everyone lives burdened by anxiety and deficiency. And love always begins from that deficiency. If what we call love is nothing more than idealizing a perfect being, then it’s no different from religious idolization.
Maybe in a world where nothing can be eternal, loving someone is what transforms it into a place still worth living in. The process of searching for completeness within incompleteness—that’s the new definition of love I discovered.
In that sense, I like Park Sion.
At first, I thought I was just captivated by his face. But a pretty shell is something you admire once and move on from. You can’t fall in love with just that.
The point at which I fell for him—absurd as it is—was when I saw Park Sion’s lack. The moment I saw that wounded face and those trembling eyes full of anxiety, nothing else mattered to me anymore.
That’s right. I’m trying really hard right now to emphasize that I’m not just some face-chaser.
“I like it. I like it so much.”
“What?”
“You.”
Park Sion whispered to me, just as I was deep in some supposedly profound thought. His lips, close to my ear, brushed past it. It tickled, and I flinched. His forehead thunked lightly against my shoulder.
“Don’t say that kind of stuff at school. It’s banned.”
“I can’t even say I like what I like?”
“You’re not supposed to say everything you want. Hold it in.”
“Then how about holding hands?”
“Think again.”
“An arm around the shoulder?”
“That’s not allowed either.”
“But we’ve done that before.”
“Back then and now aren’t the same.”
In a short span of time, our relationship had changed a lot. From wary to fondness, from friendship to affection, and now we were at the point where even if one of us said we liked the other, it wouldn’t make things awkward.
“I’m not backing down on this one.”
As usual, Park Sion effortlessly ignored my refusal. While I was glancing around, trying to read the room, his arm came up and settled around my shoulder. Seeing that smiling face made my heart soften right away. Fine. Like Sion said, we’d done the arm-around-the-shoulder thing before. It might actually seem weirder now if I suddenly started putting distance between us. I gave him a sideways glance and let the tension in my shoulders go. His fingers resting on me kept fidgeting restlessly.
“Hey, traitor Yoon Seonwoo!”
Kim Youngjin’s voice came from somewhere. I instinctively looked up, feeling guilty. I hadn’t meant to ghost him, but because of Park Sion, that’s exactly what happened. Youngjin must’ve been pretty upset about it. He narrowed his eyes and glared at me and Sion.
“Was it tasty?”
“…What was?”
“Since you ignored my messages, it must’ve been delicious, right?”
He plopped down across from us and huffed through his nose. Then, with a weirdly solemn expression, he held his palm out in front of me.
“I’ll give you five seconds to explain.”
“…My phone was broken.”
“Bullshit.”
“Sorry.”
I really hate lying, but there are such things as white lies. I absolutely couldn’t bring myself to say that it was Park Sion who blocked both him and Shin Jaeyoung, making it impossible to contact them. Now that I think of it, I still haven’t unblocked Jaeyoung either. Oh well. I’ll just keep it that way.
“What’s there to like about bastards like you. Here, a gift.”
Youngjin pulled a clear container from inside his jacket and handed one each to me and Park Sion. The plastic box was full of something that looked like candy.
“I brought this back from Taiwan, personally.”
“What is it? Candy?”
“It’s some kind of milk candy. Tastes good.”
“I don’t like sweets.”
Sion passed the box Youngjin gave him over to me. Youngjin gave him a look that basically screamed profanity. He was definitely swearing internally about how rude the bastard was.
Unlike Park Sion, I actually enjoy snacks, so I quietly took the container. I opened the lid, unwrapped a piece, and popped it in my mouth. It wasn’t quite candy—it tasted more like caramel. Just like the milk candy I used to eat as a kid.
“It’s good, right?”
“Yeah. It is.”
I picked up another piece and handed it to Youngjin. He had been eyeing it like he really wanted some. When I offered it, he grinned and immediately unwrapped and ate it. Chewing the candy, he launched into an enthusiastic monologue about how hot and humid Taiwan was, what he ate and drank there, and so on. The guy had such a way with words that there wasn’t a single dull moment.
I was listening intently to Youngjin’s travel stories when Park Sion tapped my shoulder.
“Me too.”
He pointed at the candy with a jerk of his chin and opened his mouth into an “O.” Still responding to Youngjin’s chatter, I casually unwrapped a piece and slipped it into Sion’s mouth. His lips touched my fingers as he accepted it. I turned my head back to look at Youngjin—and found him staring at us in shock.
“What the hell are you two doing?”
Yeah, seriously, what the hell did I just do?
I was too flustered to speak. Sion answered for me.
“What else? Eating candy.”
“You fucking lunatic, you said you don’t even like sweets.”
“Seonwoo was eating it like it was so good.”
“Don’t you have fingers?”
Youngjin shook his head in disbelief. I gave him a sheepish smile and handed him another piece of candy. I asked if he wanted me to unwrap it too, and he waved it off with an exaggerated grimace. Yeah, Youngjin. Honestly, I wouldn’t want that from me either.
This awkward moment was conveniently swept aside by the arrival of Shin Jaeyoung, who had just sat down in class. Seeing Youngjin and me chewing candy, he threw a mini tantrum asking where his present was. For the first time in my life, I felt grateful for Jaeyoung’s dog-shit personality.
After tossing him a piece too, Youngjin finally left to return to his own class. I let out a sigh of relief without realizing it. Forget worrying about Park Sion—I was clearly the bigger problem here. With a miserable face, I opened my textbook. Sion gently wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
“Seonwoo, didn’t you say we should be careful at school?”
“Are you mocking me?”
Sion chuckled. What a smug little shit.
“It tasted good ‘cause you gave it to me.”
“Cut it out.”
“Just unwrap one more for me.”
Sion rested his chin on his hand, watching me sweetly. I stared straight ahead and tossed a piece of candy onto the desk. You can unwrap it yourself. But Sion just shook his head and kept staring like he was urging me. With no other choice, I peeled the wrapper and, covertly, popped it into his mouth. Only then did Sion smile contentedly.
The fingertips that had brushed his lips twitched. It felt weird. Tingly, kind of erotic. I slowly dropped my hand to the floor, and Sion’s hand followed, disappearing beneath the desk. Out of sight, he started drawing misshapen circles around my palm.
***
“Ugh, this food is trash, seriously. It’s not even military food but it tastes like shit.”
“You’ve never even had military food, dumbass. What are you on about.”
Fourth period had ended. It was lunchtime. Youngjin was stirring his side dishes with his chopsticks and grumbling like the food was beneath him. But honestly, I didn’t think the food was the problem. He’d spent every break in our class eating the candy he’d brought—no wonder he wasn’t hungry.
I clicked my tongue and looked over at him when I suddenly felt someone’s gaze. Jaeyoung, who’d been nagging Youngjin, now called my name with the smuggest expression imaginable.
“Hey, Yoon Seonwoo.”
“What.”
“I’m having a birthday party this weekend.”
So what. I shoved a spoonful of plain rice into my mouth and ignored him. Was he expecting a present or something? Keep dreaming, jackass. When I openly ghosted his comment, Jaeyoung kicked me lightly under the table.
“You should come too.”
“Me?”
Had I ever been invited to a classmate’s birthday before? I’d been to a dog’s birthday party, sure. This was a first, and it left me a little dazed.
But soon enough, I realized it wasn’t a bad offer. Jaeyoung might be a pain in the ass, but Youngjin and Park Sion would probably be there too, so I could just hang out with them. I’d toss Jaeyoung a gift worth under ten bucks and call it a day.
“It’s this weekend. If you come, it’ll be really fun.”
“Well, I—”
“Nope. Yoon Seonwoo already has plans with me.”
Before I could even respond, Park Sion cut in without warning. I stared at him, dumbfounded. Did we have plans this weekend?
“Then cancel and come with him.”
“It’s something that can’t be canceled.”
“What kind of plan can’t be canceled?”
“No.”
“Aw, come on. I thought we were childhood best friends and all.”
Jaeyoung pouted, swaying dramatically. He looked like an overacting stage actor.
“Hey, Yoon Seonwoo. What kind of plans do you two have, huh?”
"Yeah, if it’s nothing important, cancel and come."
With Kim Youngjin chiming in to back Shin Jaeyoung, I was stuck. You can’t explain what kind of promise it is when there’s no actual plan to begin with.
Park Sion, who’d been eating quietly, put down his chopsticks.
"Shin Jaeyoung."
"What?"
Park Sion turned and looked at Shin Jaeyoung at an angle. His gaze was just as cold as his voice.
Are these bastards going to fight again? The nightmare from the pension trip flashed through my mind, and both Kim Youngjin and I tensed up, our eyes fixed on them. But Shin Jaeyoung, oblivious to the mood, just kept smiling blandly.
"You called me, Park Sion. Say something."
A taut tension filled the air. Right now, the only person here who looked relaxed was Shin Jaeyoung. For some reason, he kept smirking like something was hilarious.
Park Sion stared straight at him. Then suddenly, he removed his watch from his wrist. That was the signal that he was going to beat the crap out of him. A stupid birthday party—why does it always lead to fights? Just as I got up to stop him, Park Sion dropped the watch in front of Shin Jaeyoung.
"Take it."
"...What’s this?"
"Birthday gift."
Shin Jaeyoung picked up the watch that had landed in front of him, his expression confused. He didn’t seem to understand the situation. His smile remained, but his brows furrowed.
"What am I supposed to take this as?"
"Just as it is. I said it’s a birthday gift."
"Oh, a birthday gift."
"I can’t go to your party. So I’m giving you the present in advance."
Shin Jaeyoung glanced between the watch and Park Sion, visibly unsure. Then, a beat later, he burst out laughing. Was it because he was happy about getting a watch? Definitely not. There was something mockingly amused in his laughter, like he was ridiculing Sion. What the hell is so funny?
"Shit, you’re giving me something this expensive as a gift?"
But I didn’t get to keep deciphering the weird vibe between them. Kim Youngjin’s shocked voice rang out right next to me. He couldn’t hide his excitement as he snatched the watch from Jaeyoung’s hand.
"I told you, we’re best friends!"
"Fuck, and me! Am I not your friend? You ignored my birthday last year, Park Sion!"
"Youngjin, then be nicer to Sion too."
Shin Jaeyoung cut in smugly. He snatched the watch back from Youngjin, flashing the smuggest grin imaginable.
"Thanks, Park Sion."
He tapped Sion lightly on the chest. Sion didn’t reply. Even so, Jaeyoung looked pleased. He whistled casually and turned to look at me. Our eyes met, and his exaggerated wink made me feel especially shitty for some reason. Why does this feel so fucking awful?
Even on the way back to the classroom after lunch, I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling. I crept up next to Youngjin.
"Was that watch Sion gave him really that expensive?"
"Crazy expensive. What kind of psycho gives that away as a gift?"
"How much was it?"
When Youngjin gave me a rough estimate, my eyes widened. Just like Youngjin said—this bastard’s insane. Why would he give something that expensive to Shin Jaeyoung? I hurried over to Park Sion.
"Aren’t your parents going to scold you? You’re just giving that away?"
"My parents don’t care enough about me to notice each and every thing I own."
"Still though…"
"I was planning to give it away anyway. Doesn’t matter."
"Does Jaeyoung have something on you?"
They’re not close enough for a luxury watch to make sense as a gift. If it’s not blackmail, there’s no reason for him to do that. Park Sion should know that even better than me. I looked at him with worried eyes, and he smiled.
"Blackmail? Do I look like someone who gets blackmailed?"
Like there’s a specific look for that. If someone’s out to get you and you slip up, you’re caught—simple as that. I looked at him with disbelief. He calmly smoothed down my back.
"There are a bunch of watches like that at home. Giving one away and spending the weekend with you is way better."
"You’re nuts. You gave away something that expensive just for that?"
"Not just for that. It was part of it."
He shrugged like it was no big deal.
Are all rich kids like this? How much money do you have to be rotting in it like this... Suddenly, Youngjin’s voice yelling "And what about me!" popped into my head. This bastard’s gonna end up getting used by everyone.
As I scowled, Park Sion lightly tapped my cheek.
"You didn’t really want to go to Jaeyoung’s party, did you?"
I’d already forgotten about the birthday party. All I could think about now was placing a bowl of water out starting tonight and praying his dad would keep not giving a shit about his stuff. I nodded vaguely, and Sion smiled.
"The kind of people who hang out with Jaeyoung and Youngjin aren’t great."
"Wait, we’re not the only ones invited to this party?"
"Of course not."
Sion gave a fleeting smile and squeezed my shoulder tight. Somewhere, the bell for fifth period rang. A group of guys, drenched in sweat from playing soccer, passed us in the hallway on their way into the classroom. I took a step toward the classroom too, but Sion caught my wrist.
"So just hang out with them only at school."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Whether it’s Jaeyoung or Youngjin, keep it light."
He emphasized the word light.
"Even Youngjin?"
"Yeah. He’s close with Jaeyoung’s group too."
"But still, Youngjin is…"
"Teacher’s coming. Let’s go."
Before I could even finish what I was saying, Park Sion tugged me forward. I could see our math teacher walking toward the classroom in the distance. As I rushed in and opened my textbook, the words I hadn’t gotten to say stayed stuck at the corners of my mouth.
I don’t know about Jaeyoung, but I want to stay close to Youngjin…
But in the end, everything went the way Park Sion wanted. After the weekend of Shin Jaeyoung’s birthday party, Youngjin started avoiding me.
He’s acting weird. That guy used to come by our classroom all the time, but lately, I haven’t seen even a glimpse of him. It’s already been five days since he last ate lunch. Even on the day they served his favorite menu, he didn’t show.
According to Jaeyoung, he’s got enteritis, but I just can’t believe that. I’ve seen that guy walking around eating hot bars more times than I can count. Skipping lunch because of enteritis but still eating hot bars? Yeah right.
Youngjin’s always been a simple guy. Simple wiring, predictable actions. If he liked something, he liked it. If he didn’t, he didn’t. He wasn’t the type to sulk or hold grudges. He didn’t have the social savvy to hide his feelings or act shady. In short, he wasn’t complicated.
But these days, he doesn’t seem like the Youngjin I knew.
"Is Youngjin still sick with enteritis?"
"Yeah."
"I just saw him in the hallway eating a hot bar."
No response. Both Shin Jaeyoung and Park Sion avoided my gaze.
"He’s been acting like this ever since that party. Are you sure nothing happened?"
"Nothing. He’s just being weird."
"Youngjin’s not the kind of guy who gets weird for no reason."
"Don’t worry. He’ll snap out of it."
Jaeyoung stretched and yawned like it was nothing. This whole thing was clearly off, so why did no one seem concerned? So much for friendship. Heartless bastards.
I looked up at the clock. Lunch wasn’t over yet. Youngjin probably skipped it again today. Maybe I should bring him something. If I hand him a few snacks and ask what’s up, he’ll probably spill right away. That’s just the kind of guy he is.
I glared at their indifferent faces and left the classroom. Park Sion immediately followed me.
"Where are you going?"
"Teacher’s office."
"Why?"
"Homeroom teacher said she wanted to talk."
Total lie. Park Sion’s brows furrowed. I waved at him and said I’d be right back.
For someone who once said I hate lying the most, I lied without blinking. I felt a little ashamed, but there was no way I could tell Park Sion I was going to buy snacks for Youngjin. I already knew exactly how he’d react. He’d be so consumed with jealousy, he’d try to interfere no matter what.
I quickly ran to the school store. I bought Youngjin’s favorite snacks, a drink, and a digestive tonic just in case. If he really does have enteritis, I’ll drink the rest and just give him the medicine.
I purposely took the stairs at the far end of the school to get to the third floor. It was a longer route, but it let me avoid passing by our classroom.