Maybe there had been real magic in She Xiao’s words, or maybe it was simply the mental exhaustion from a day spent in jittery excitement, but Lin Xigu slowly calmed, his heart finally settling back into place.
The mood was perfect. He didn’t want to move a muscle.
He was able, now, to cling to She Xiao whichever way he wanted. He could kiss his neck, and fall asleep in his arms. He didn’t have to worry about whether they’d be separated when they woke up the next day, nor live in fear of how many fresh wounds would appear on She Xiao’s body overnight.
Eventually, Lin Xigu fell asleep like that, nestled in She Xiao’s arms, his hand gently hooked onto his pajama shirt.
He didn’t dream at all that night, his breathing long and steady. He slept straight through the night until morning the next day. It was the best sleep he’d had in years, his body completely relaxed. A good night’s sleep like that would have been a rare luxury completely outside the realm of possibility for him before.
Lin Xigu’s eyes were still closed but his mind was awake. His body had been rendered soft with sleep, as though he had been sleeping on a cloud. She Xiao was back—the thought flashed through his head and Lin Xigu opened his eyes with a start.
A smile had started forming on his face even before his eyes were completely open.
That’s right. She Xiao was back.
But as the room swam into focus, Lin Xigu stiffened. The bed was empty. He sat up and looked around. She Xiao wasn’t in the room. He got out of bed in bare feet, not bothering to tend to anything else as he walked out of the bedroom. The living room was empty, the guest bedrooms were empty. The kitchen and bathroom were both empty.
The phone he had prepared for She Xiao was still lying on the bedside table; he hadn’t taken it with him.
Where did She Xiao go?
He stood frozen in the same spot for a while, then shook his head, forcing himself to not overthink or panic. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, washed his face and washed his hair. He was just towelling off when he heard the front door open and close.
He poked his head out from the bathroom to see She Xiao still dressed in his clothes from the day before, holding takeout containers.
She Xiao arched his eyebrows when he saw him. “You’re up?”
Lin Xigu dropped his towel and padded over to him, his hair dripping. He took the breakfast from She Xiao’s hands as he looked down at his feet, his voice dropping as low as his head. “You… should give me a heads up if you’re planning to leave the house.”
“You were sleeping so well,” She Xiao explained.
“Mn,” Lin Xigu nodded agreeably.
But for the rest of the morning, Lin Xigu’s enthusiasm for conversation from the day before had noticeably decreased. It was as though he had wilted slightly.
Lin Xigu was too embarrassed to admit it, and also didn’t want to admit it for fear he would come off as overly sentimental if he brought it up too often. In truth, he hadn’t been fully awake earlier, and in that state, the sheer panic and terror that the fear of She Xiao disappearing produced in him cast a heavy shadow over his thoughts for the rest of the day. It was primarily because She Xiao had been absent from his life for so long.
Lin Xigu sat down cross-legged on the couch with a fruit platter balanced on his lap. Fruits with every colour of the rainbow were cut into small pieces on the plate and arranged in a visually appealing spread. He fed She Xiao a piece of pineapple from his fork. The television was playing a docuseries which had been incredibly popular a few years ago; he figured there weren’t many people who hadn’t seen it nowadays.
But She Xiao had never seen it, and Lin Xigu had never actually watched it in its entirety. At the height of its popularity, Lin Xigu had spent all his time studying at the library, and didn’t have either the time or the motivation to watch TV. He had only caught bits and pieces when other people had it on in the background or when it was playing in public venues.
“I know how to make those noodles too,” Lin Xigu said with a smile. “My dad spent a good amount of time perfecting the method, and he used to make them for me too. We even managed to improve on the original recipe. I’ll make them for you too.”
She Xiao had his arm draped around Lin Xigu’s shoulder. He touched his face affectionately.
“I know how to make practically every dish under the sun now,” Lin Xigu continued. “Household dishes are a walk in the park for me.”
He fed She Xiao a piece of watermelon, grinning. “I’m a walking Chinese cookbook.”
She Xiao smiled too and rubbed his ear. “That impressive?”
Lin Xigu nodded. “I’m a real expert now. I’ve basically become… a kitchen essential. House Helper Lin Xigu™.”
That made She Xiao laugh as he deposited a wordless kiss on top of Lin Xigu’s head.
Every one of She Xiao’s small acts of affection made Lin Xigu’s heart quicken to the point of pain. A special kind of intimacy showed through in every casual gesture, irrefutable proof that She Xiao was here, that he was still the same person, that he still liked him.
Lin Xigu rubbed his nose and settled back into silence as he kept She Xiao company in front of the television.
After the morning scare, Lin Xigu’s eyes followed She Xiao around for the rest of the day. It was fine when they were together, but whenever She Xiao got up to do something, Lin Xigu’s doe eyes always chased him around.
They were still the eyes that She Xiao loved best. They were ever so bright and beautiful, but at the moment, they also betrayed his anxiety and gaping lack of security.
She Xiao had just stood up to wash his hands, but as Lin Xigu’s eyes focused on him, he paused, then sighed, saying, “I’m going to wash my hands.”
“Okay,” Lin Xigu nodded.
When She Xiao returned from the bathroom, Lin Xigu’s eyes were still glued to him. She Xiao stopped, standing in front of him and pulled him against his body.
“You keep staring at me. What’s wrong?” She Xiao asked, stroking his hair.
Lin Xigu buried his face against She Xiao’s abdomen, his voice muffled as he answered honestly, “I woke up this morning and you weren’t there. I… panicked a little.”
She Xiao stroked his hair again, then crouched down, smiling at him. “You’re already perfect. What do you have to be worried about?”
Lin Xigu reached up and gently touched She Xiao’s ear, answering in a low voice, “You’re the perfect one.”
She Xiao kissed Lin Xigu’s forehead and only shook his head with a smile. He didn’t say anything else.
She Xiao was still as gentle as ever—his movements, his gaze, everything was just as it had been before. He was still the same person as the one in Lin Xigu’s memories who had made him fall head over heels. But there were still subtle differences, small things that felt off.
Exactly what had changed, Lin Xigu couldn’t quite put his finger on either.
Of course, no one could escape the inevitability of change, himself included. But it was those microscopic shifts that lay between the two of them that made things feel strange with no obvious solution in sight. It made Lin Xigu want to reestablish their rhythm, but the pursuit was futile without knowing the theory.
Lin Xigu received a call from his dad that afternoon. He had been rooting through his bookshelf, searching for books to share with She Xiao.
“Hello, Pops.”
The voice on the other end asked, “Where have you been all weekend? Why haven’t you been home?”
“I…” Lin Xigu coughed. “Something came up.”
“Where are you right now?” His dad asked.
“I’m at home, of course. Where else would I be,” Lin Xigu held the phone between his ear and shoulder as he pulled books off the shelf and stacked them in a pile to the side.
His dad was likely driving because Lin Xigu could vaguely hear the sound of a car horn beeping in the background. “Meet me downstairs in 20 minutes then. Actually, meet me in the underground garage. I’m just passing through; let’s grab a bite to eat.”
“…” The book slipped out of Lin Xigu’s hands and fell to the ground. “Ba!” He said hastily. “Bababababa! I can’t grab food with you tonight. I really can’t go. I have a headache and I really don’t want to leave the house!”
“Mn?” His dad asked. “A headache, you say? Did you catch a cold?”
“No, I just didn’t rest well during my noon nap earlier,” Lin Xigu didn’t need to keep sandwiching his phone between his ear and shoulder anymore. He held the phone in his hand, whispering hurriedly into the mic, “I can’t come. I really don’t want to move!”
On the other end of the line, his dad said, “Fine, then I’ll meet you upstairs. I’ll make dinner, how’s that sound? Check in on you while I’m at it.”
His dad was about to hang up after finishing his sentence. Lin Xigu was at the end of his rope, “Dad! Don’t come upstairs! D-d-don’t come! It’s… a bad time for me at the moment.”
“A bad time?” His dad’s suspicions deepened. “What reason could you possibly have for not having me over? Do you have a date over or something?”
Even as he said it, his dad knew it was impossible. He knew his son was a hopeless romantic at heart. He had never seen him date anyone else in the past several years. And besides, the jailbird was about to be released soon; there was no way his son would fall down at the last hurdle.
“Mn,” Lin Xigu answered in a small voice, glancing over his shoulder at She Xiao who was scrolling through his phone in the living room. He didn’t think he could keep quiet about it any longer, so he admitted, “It’s She Xiao. Actually, he just got out the day before yesterday. I haven’t told anyone yet.”
His dad was completely stunned by the revelation. After a few long seconds, he finally asked, “His release date got moved up? Wasn’t it supposed to be next month? You haven’t informed any of his family either?”
Lin Xigu scratched his head sheepishly. “No… I haven’t said a thing.”
“What were you thinking?” His dad didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “What do you have to hide? That’s good news, isn’t it? It’s fine if you didn’t want to tell me but you should have at least let his family know. His mom’s waiting to see her son, you know. You’re being rather inconsiderate.”
Lin Xigu knew that he was being selfish, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak up. She Xiao had only just returned and it just happened to be a weekend. He wanted to have She Xiao to himself, to have it be just the two of them for the two days and not do anything—staying inside was good enough for him. And then She Xiao would be free to go home when he went back to work on Monday.
“A couple of days won’t make a difference,” Lin Xigu said. It didn’t sound like a valid excuse, even to his own ears, but he persisted anyway, “It’s just for one weekend. Hey, Pops, aren’t you driving? Focus on the road and don’t get distracted by your phone. I can’t have dinner with you today. Next week, okay? I’ll bring She Xiao around next week if we have time. Okay, bye for now!”
And with that, Lin Xigu hung up immediately.
Hearing his dad call him out for being inconsiderate itched at Lin Xigu’s conscience as well. He walked over to She Xiao and took a seat beside him, giving him a small smile.
Seeing him smile like that, She Xiao returned it with a light smile of his own.She Xiao was truly relaxed, his edges soft. The gentleness coloured his brow and the lift of his eyes as he smiled. “What is it?” He asked softly.
“I have to work tomorrow…” Lin Xigu began. “Will you be going to Ayi’s house? She still… doesn’t know you’re out yet…”
She Xiao nodded. “Okay.”
Lin Xigu nodded his head along with him and quickly added, after a moment of thought, “When I’m done work, y-you have to come back… don’t stay out too late…”
He wanted to resume their alone time together after work, but he couldn’t admit to such petty thoughts aloud. No matter—his thoughts were written plainly in his eyes. Watching him, She Xiao gave an audible laugh.
The laugh made Lin Xigu feel slightly self-conscious. He picked at his pants. “If Ayi wants you to stay for dinner… I suppose that’s fine too…”
The laughter remained in She Xiao’s eyes. He pulled Lin Xigu in closer by the neck, saying in a low voice, “That’s what lunch is for. I’ll pick you up from work tomorrow.”
Lin Xigu’s eyes shone, a little surprised, a little delighted. “Okay, then we’ll have dinner at home.”
“Mn,” She Xiao agreed.
Lin Xigu sat contentedly, allowing himself to drift in happiness for a while before he nudged She Xiao’s arm, asking, “Would you ever think I’m clinging too much? I’m well into my twenties but I’m still acting like a child…” He sighed. “It’s only because I…”
Because I’ve missed you too much. Actually, for these past few years, I’ve always tried to suppress my thoughts about you. I was scared it would make life harder, scared I wouldn’t be able to get through it. Some days were harder than the others, but they were all unbearable.
Lin Xigu didn’t give voice to these thoughts. Looking at She Xiao, he realized he was truly, completely satisfied now. The person he loved was right there; he was allowed to think about him as much as he wanted to. He had made it through more than three years without him. They would never have to live through anything as difficult ever again
Lin Xigu’s lashes covered his eyes, tempering the emotions within them.
She Xiao sighed, gathering the other man up in his arms. He ruffled Lin Xigu’s hair and said, “I understand.”
He kissed Lin Xigu’s temple and intoned in a low voice, “I’m the same.”