For the final time, I give myself a once-over in the mirror. I’m wearing a white maxi skirt and a tightly fitted black crop top. My hair is done up — not in the usual lazy, ugly ponytail, but in an artfully messy bun. I spent an hour yesterday learning how to do it instead of studying for the exam or going to sleep at a reasonable hour, because — let’s be honest — I’m sufficiently prepared anyway, and I will have so much time left to study later. The updo, in combination with the low cut of the top, emphasizes my slender neck in a really flattering way. It makes my face look round and feminine. I hope people don’t notice the heaps of bobby pins I hid in my hair. Finally, I even added a little makeup. Just mascara for now, but Sinéad promised to start teaching me as soon as our French exam has passed.
Mum is already in the kitchen, my breakfast is already waiting at my usual place. When I come into the kitchen, she says, “You’ve got to hurry, it’s almost time to leave.”
Only then does she look up and pause. I mirror her, stopping a few strides short of the small kitchen table, offering an awkward smile. I didn’t plan out anything about this. After Drew’s supportive reaction yesterday, I figured that I could just as well go all out, but I couldn’t make myself sit her down to tell her when I came home. So I decided I would subject her to the same treatment as everybody else in my year: show up in full regalia and hope for the best. If she doesn’t realize what I’m telling her with this, that’s on her, and at least it gives me until later to come up with the right words.
Mum cocks her head. “You look… nice.” She offers a smile that looks about as awkward as mine feels.
“Thanks,” I say in a voice that’s barely more than a whisper. None of the tenseness falls away as I sit down, smoothing out my skirt in doing so to avoid ruffling it so early on, and start eating.
Mum watches me.
“Who taught you how to do your hair like that?” she asks abruptly, as I put down my glass of orange juice after having taken a sip.
I stare at her. That’s not the question I expected. “Uh, Sinéad did. Kind of. She showed it to me once and I spent an hour yesterday playing around until I somewhat had it down.”
She gives a slow nod. “Did Sinéad also give you the skirt and top?” There’s a gentle curiosity to her voice.
“Yes… She doesn’t need them anymore, so they’re mine now. Along with a bunch of other clothes as well.”
“Huh.” It’s not a question. She rolls her jaw thoughtfully. “Does that mean that you’re… trans? Is it transsexual or transgender?”
“Transgender, I think. And yes.” It takes all I have to ask the next question. “Is that… a problem?”
She cocks her head, abruptly furrowing her brow. “Of course it isn’t.” Then she hesitates. “Did I ever… give you reason to believe it would be?”
There’s honking outside. I startle, almost spilling the milk in my muesli and hastily stuff two more spoonfuls into my mouth. “No,” I mumble with my mouth full.
She jumps to her feet as I’m about to leave. “Hey, can I hug you?”
I wait, and this time, when she hugs me tightly, I hug back with just as much strength.
“I love you, Sweetie, you hear me? Nothing about your identity or sexuality or whatever will change that.”
When she lets go of me, I don’t have to try to smile at her. “Thank you, Mum.”
I’ve already turned and started walking out of the kitchen when she asks, “Wait, do you already have a new name?”
“It’s Mia!” I reply, slipping on my sneakers.
I can see her looking down at my feet, a smirk on her face. “Well, Miss Mia, clearly we need to buy you some sandals soon!” she laughs from the door to the kitchen. “Oh, and ask Sinéad if I can pay her for the clothes, would you?”
“I will, thanks Mum!” And with that, I’m out the front door.
Sinéad and Drew are already sitting in the car. Sinéad leans out the window and whistles when she sees me.
“Hola, chica! Need a ride?”
I stick my tongue out at her and get in behind her.
“Hey, Mia,” Drew says, giving me a smile. “You look great.”
Sinéad does a double take. “Excuse me, what?”
“He already knows,” I giggle.
“Oh,” she says, her expression stalling. “That makes sense. Why didn’t you tell me you would tell him?”
“Didn’t really plan to? Just happened.”
“And how did he react?”
Drew shrugs. “Told her it wasn’t a problem and that I would do my best to call her Mia from now on, obviously.” He says it like there’s nothing special about it, like it doesn’t really matter, and I feel endearment radiate out from my chest and up to my lips.
On the drive to school, I catch her watching me in the rear mirror several times. Her expression is thoughtful, maybe even a little melancholy. But I must be imagining that, because why would she look like that?
“So… what are you gonna say at school?” Sinéad asks as she pulls into the parking lot.
“I don’t really plan on saying anything? I don’t really care if they continue calling me Max for the last two weeks, as long as they’re civil about it. But I think that my being trans should be pretty obvious, no?”
“So you wanna hide behind vagueness?” Sinéad asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Sure.”
“Fair enough,” she says, giving me a skeptical look.
She turns off the car and we get out. We’ve only just made it through the entrance gate when Jacy falls into step with me.
“Good morning, Mia,” he beams.
“Good morning,” I return, forcing myself to speak in my girl voice in spite of the reflex to press it into a lower register.
If he notices the difference, he doesn’t show it. “You look great!” he goes on. “Honestly, at this point, you should just go full girl.”
A low chuckle escapes me. “Oh, but that’s what I’m doing.”
So much for keeping it vague. The opportunity was just too good to pass up.
Jacy gives a short, but not unfriendly nod. “That makes sense, and I very much respect it.”
That same radiating smile spreads through my entire body, accompanied by a simple yet deep affection. “I appreciate it.”
As we walk, he puts his arm around me and pulls me against him in a half-hug, almost throwing me off balance. I squeak, but let it happen.
“You know, I’m so glad Drew talked you into making friends,” he muses as we ascend the stairs. “I would have forever felt bad had I later found out you were trans, because let’s face it, I’m one of the reasons it took you so long to come out, aren’t I?”
“You weren—” I start, but then stop myself. He’s right. He was most certainly one of the reasons. “I’m also glad Drew convinced me,” I say instead. “So you could show me that people can change and that the whole world isn’t quite as shitty a place as I used to imagine.”
“At least something I could do right,” he offers with a sheepish grin.
When we enter the classroom, a lot of eyes turn towards me. I walk straight to my seat and sit, but barely a second later, Marco is crouching in front of my table.
“Morning,” he says a little sheepishly. “Can I ask you something?”
I watch him, trying to guess what he’s getting at. This must be about my getup, right? But what is his opinion on it? Well, if he’s going to be an asshole about it, I already know I have at least four allies in this room with me, so hopefully it won’t matter quite as much.
I give a short nod. “Of course.”
“Uh, do you prefer Max or Mia?”
My face goes hot. “Drew and Sinéad are calling me Mia now, but honestly you can use either.”
He leans back, holding onto my desk for balance. His eyes flick to Drew and then to Sinéad. I’m pretty sure both of them are watching us.
“So… Mia is fine?” He cocks his head uncertainly.
“Yeah, absolutely.” I offer a small smile for reassurance, even though my face is still burning up.
Right then, our homeroom teacher comes in. She glances in my direction, then sits down at the front of the room and opens the roll-call book.
“Good morning, all!” she says, already flipping to the latest page. She starts reading out the names in her usual, busy voice. Everything as usual, that is until she gets to my name. Then she looks up and says, “Mia Taylor?”
I tense slightly, startled, but then nod. “Present.”
She offers a smile and scribbles something on her list that seems to be more than a simple check mark, then goes on.
***
“Mind if I come over?”
Drew’s voice makes me turn my head. He’s crouched in the open window as if he was about to climb out and then thought better of it.
“Of course!” I don’t remember him ever asking for permission to join me before.
Swiftly, he climbs over, settling against the roof next to me with a comfortable little groan.
It’s early evening, the sun is still up, but closing in on the horizon. In maybe thirty minutes, the golden hour will start. Enjoying the story? Read on at g.com.
“So, final exam tomorrow?” he asks, interlinking his fingers behind his head.
“Yup.”
“Nervous?”
“Nope.”
“Done studying for the day?”
“There’s always more I could do, but I feel pretty well-prepared.”
“So it’s not a bother if I’m talking to you, instead of just keeping you company?”
I glance over at that. He’s watching me, his face serious. “Not at all. You never bother me, Drew.”
He turns his head to look up at the sky. “Can I ask you something… personal?”
“Yeah, sure.” I expected that this would happen, sooner or later. Yesterday, we didn’t really have any opportunity to further discuss my being trans. After I’d come out to him, we’d almost immediately arrived at the car, and Sinéad had driven Theo home as well, so Drew and I kept quiet about it. Even after having arrived home, he’d had to go out with his family for dinner and after that I’d already been in bed.
So I nod and say, “Yes, shoot.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier that you’re trans?”
Well that’s a loaded question if I’ve ever heard one. “Because I was scared.” But it’s so much more than that, isn’t it? “It’s… weird. Logically, I knew it wouldn’t make sense for you to… But at the same time… for the majority of my life, you were my best friend. My only friend. There’s no person in the world I enjoy spending time with more. So the thought of you — abandoning me — I know it doesn’t really make sense.”
A heavy lump has formed at the back of my throat and I can’t seem to swallow it down.
“No, I guess it does. In a way? But it wasn’t anything I did?”
“No. Nothing you did ever made me uncomfortable.”
“Right.” He gives a low chuckle. “Well, I feel real stupid now for trying so hard to protect you when really, it was what you wanted all along.”
My right hand comes up to rub my left upper arm in thought. “It was actually kind of sweet. It showed that you care, right? That’s nice, especially with… my past.”
“I’m glad. It’s honestly the reason why I reacted so strongly when I felt like you might be uncomfortable. Probably why I overshot as well.”
“It’s fine, Drew. Please, don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll try, but no promises.”
With a low laugh, I scoot over and lean my head against his shoulder. I’ve never done this before, but this feels like the right moment to do it. A nonverbal way to show him that everything is forgiven, that I still want to be around him, and that he is still my best friend. He stiffens briefly, then puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in a little closer. I give an appreciative hum.
“By the way, was… this… the reason why you reacted the way you did when I told you that I would also come to Statehaven?”
“Yup. I was hoping to finally be able to live as myself there. So the prospect of having you there, when I’d resigned myself to probably never telling you…”
“You expected to never meet again.” Not a question. An observation.
My chest feels heavy. “I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, now that I know that you’re accepting of me, I’m glad that you’re also coming to Statehaven. I’m really looking forward to it.”
His hand rubs my shoulder. “I won’t claim that I understand it,” he muses. “But I know that fear makes you blind and I can’t imagine what years of that would have done to me.”
I let out a breath through my nose and nuzzle further into his shoulder.
Hours later, when the sun has already gone down, Drew wakes me up. “You should go to bed,” he says in a low voice. “You’ll have to be at your A-game tomorrow, remember?”
I frown, laboriously getting to my feet. My sense of balance feels completely off. “Did I fall asleep on you?”
He smiles gently. “It was quite sweet. I didn’t want to wake you. And… I don’t think I’ve felt so at peace in a long time, if I’m completely honest.”
Butterflies stir lazily in my chest. “Oh. Well, sleep well, Drew.”
“You too, Mia.”