Su Hexiang stood beside Xiao Rong, hesitating before speaking up: “Your Highness, Xie Ning took the wound ointment with her. If you happen to sustain any bumps or bruises—”
Xiao Rong was still gazing in the direction where Xie Ning had departed, her voice bearing a lightness she herself was unaware of: “It matters not; it is merely a bottle of wound ointment.”
Hearing this, Su Hexiang remarked with a quiet grievance, “Your Highness, that is no ordinary ointment. Your subordinate spent half a year of painstaking effort to refine a mere half-bottle.”
Xiao Rong caught the complaint in Su Hexiang’s tone and turned her head. “I know you took great pains, but I promise you this: before you refine the next bottle, I shall never allow myself to be injured. How about that?”
Su Hexiang’s breath caught halfway in her throat. “It would be well if Your Highness could truly keep your word.” Still, she could not help muttering softly under her breath, “Why does this Miss Xie take other people’s belongings with such ease…”
The smile on Xiao Rong’s face faded into gravity. “Do not speak so recklessly. If word of this spreads, would it not cause heartbreak?”
Su Hexiang parted her lips, intending to argue when had the Eldest Princess ever cared about breaking anyone’s heart? Yet upon seeing the Princess’s expression, she swallowed her doubts and bowed her head in acquiescence.
Meanwhile, on Xie Ning’s side, she had walked out the gates accompanied by the decree-announcing eunuch, Manager Liu. Just as she was about to board the palanquin, having walked at a hurried pace, she broke into a light sweat and instinctively pulled out Xiao Rong’s silk handkerchief to wipe it away.
Liu Xi cast a casual glance over, exclaiming in surprise, “Oh my, isn’t that Her Highness the Eldest Princess’s handkerchief?”
Xie Ning froze.
Liu Xi leaned closer. Seeing clearly the orchid embroidered on the corner of the cloth, he confirmed his thoughts and sighed with emotion: “To think that you and Her Highness hit it off so well, that she would bestow such a personal item upon you!”
Upon hearing these words, Xie Ning’s heart thudded violently.
Indeed, a woman’s silk handkerchief was an intensely private object, not easily shown to outsiders to say nothing of the fact that this was the exclusive handkerchief of the most favored Eldest Princess of the Great Sheng Dynasty!
She remembered with crystal clarity that Xiao Rong was exceedingly extravagant in her daily life. Beyond her passion for collecting rare treasures from all across the lands, her lavishness was primarily reflected in her handkerchiefs. Every single one was crafted from top-tier, soft Azure Sky silk, light as nothingness, yet silky and comfortable. Yet Xiao Rong never used such exquisite silk handkerchiefs a second time. Because they were intimate items used against a woman’s skin, she had them burned directly after a single use. Later, Xie Ning simply could not bear the sight of such waste. Whenever Xiao Rong tossed them to Su Hexiang to be burned, Xie Ning would snatch them away, wash them, and save them for other uses.
She had never seen such magnificent fabric at Bianyang Pass. Life at Bianyang Pass was bitter and harsh; even during the winter days of heavy snowfall, impoverished commoners lacked clothes to cover their bodies, and no small number froze to death. Owing to those experiences, Xie Ning truly could not stomach Xiao Rong’s lavish wastefulness. Every time, like a stingy little squirrel, she gathered up the items Xiao Rong intended to discard. Over time, her habits forced Xiao Rong to become relatively frugal and reduce her waste.
Yet, those were matters of her past life.
Holding the silk handkerchief, Xie Ning stood frozen on the spot, while the bottle of wound ointment inside her sleeve served as another reminder of the mistake she had unconsciously committed.
She had originally believed that most of her memories from her past life had grown blurred. Yet Manager Liu’s words”a personal item” acted like a switch, causing past memories to instantly cascade back into her mind.
That was indeed Su Hexiang’s wound ointment, but after Xie Ning grew close with Xiao Rong, she had taken over the task of applying medicine to Xiao Rong herself.
She simply could not bear to watch Su Hexiang apply medicine to Xiao Rong. Knowing that Xiao Rong was usually cold and rarely allowed anyone close—trusting only Su Hexiang—Xie Ning felt as if she had been plunged into a vat of vinegar. Whenever she saw Su Hexiang’s hands touch Xiao Rong, Xie Ning felt a sting in her heart as if she had been stung by a bee.
Although Xiao Rong had explained countless times that Su Hexiang was a long-time retainer by her side who had learned her craft from a legendary physician among the common folk, Xie Ning still felt uncomfortable. It was the first time she had fallen so head over heels for a person, pouring her entire heart filled with youthful affection onto Xiao Rong. Consequently, she possessed a fierce possessiveness over her, concocting all sorts of absurd excuses claiming, for example, that even if Su Hexiang was a doctor, a doctor’s job was merely to cure illnesses. Why must task like applying ointment and rubbing Xiao Rong, which anyone could do, be handled exclusively by Su Hexiang?
In the end, trapped between laughter and tears, Xiao Rong brought all of Su Hexiang’s bottles and jars before her, saying, “Since you won’t let Ah Xiang help me, from now on, only you can help me with these.” Xie Ning was more than happy to do so. She delighted in pressing against Xiao Rong’s jade-like skin, caressing it inch by inch, leaving her own marks upon Xiao Rong’s body. She was more than happy to have Xiao Rong entirely to herself, untouched by anyone else.
…
Recalling those sensual moments from her past life, Xie Ning’s heart stirred wildly for a moment, feeling a deep tremble at the very tip of her heart.
Yet beneath that tremble lay a far deeper agony.
She was far too obsessed with Xiao Rong to tolerate a single flaw in that affection. Yet Xiao Rong’s feelings were riddled with flaws.
Flaws were scattered everywhere like offering a whole, intact heart to someone, only to have them punch it full of dense holes, until in the end, it took merely a gentle touch for it to shatter completely.
Xiao Rong’s words remained carved forever into the depths of Xie Ning’s heart. Even to this day, she could still recall the cold expression and impatient tone on Xiao Rong’s face when she uttered them:
“Feelings are all feigned; when laid bare, it is merely a trade of benefits.”
She had spoken those words with such natural entitlement that Xie Ning had not even dared to voice the question hidden deep within her heart: If your feelings have been feigned all along, what about your feelings for me?
Yet certain answers required no spoken confirmation; parting the subtle clues of the past brought everything into plain sight.
Just as the present Xiao Rong already knew she would become the Crown Princess, the Xiao Rong of her past life had deliberately approached her, teased her, and made her heart flutter making her utterly devoted to the Eldest Princess simply to drive a wedge between the Crown Prince and her father, General Xie.
Xiao Rong could not allow the Crown Prince to gain such a powerful helper as General Xie.
Xie Ning had later wondered more than once: had their first meeting truly been a coincidence? Or was it a meticulous arrangement orchestrated by the masterminding Eldest Princess?
It no longer mattered. What mattered was that no matter how their acquaintance began, Xiao Rong’s purpose after approaching her would never change.
Speaking of her past life, there were simply too many unresolved regrets. Even now, having been reborn, Xie Ning still found it impossible to make peace with Xiao Rong’s various actions upon reflection.
She seemed to love Xie Ning deeply, yet her love parasitic upon benefits and cold calculations.
What Xie Ning could least forgive was Xiao Rong using affection as a tool for scheming. Having mistakenly believed Xiao Rong to be the Crown Prince, Xie Ning had tried every means to make Xiao Rong dislike her from the very start. Yet in the end, she could not help falling for her, eventually becoming filled with anticipation to become her Crown Princess. Who could have known that on the day before the imperial decree was issued, Xiao Rong sought her out and chose that exact moment to reveal her true identity to Xie Ning.
Xie Ning could no longer recall the feeling of her world collapsing in that instant.
In truth, there had long been signs that Xiao Rong was a woman. Having spent years mingling among the military at Bianyang Pass, Xie Ning was intimately familiar with the filth and foul odor of men, detesting it intensely. Why was it that Xiao Rong, a “man,” bore none of the greasy coarseness of men, but instead possessed a clean, comfortable aura? Deep down, Xie Ning had harbored a subtle realization. After all, apart from Xiao Rong, none of the other men she met in the capital possessed the captivating delicacy and thoughtfulness that Xiao Rong exhibited. It was merely that Xie Ning had not known Xiao Rong’s true identity, thus indulging in a bit of self-deceiving wishful thinking.
Yet paper could never hold fire forever.
The moment she learned the truth, Xie Ning hated Xiao Rong to the core. She felt as though she had fallen into hell, with Xiao Rong being the primary culprit who pushed her down. She had questioned Xiao Rong: “So, from the very beginning, you only approached me to deal with the Crown Prince?”
Xiao Rong had neither answered nor denied it.
Yet for Xie Ning, that was already an answer.
“So you only ever let Su Hexiang draw near, while pushing me away at every turn?” At that time, Xie Ning had already lost her mind, longing to lay bare all of their past and scrutinize every detail.
Yet that single sentence seemed to infuriate Xiao Rong, who slammed the door and left.
Xie Ning had been in too much pain, lacking the strength of heart to resist any longer. Her heart turned to dead ashes. Unable to tell whether it was out of revenge or despair, she submissively accepted the marriage the next day, being conferred as the Crown Princess.
On the night of the marriage bestowal ceremony, when she should have gone to the Crown Prince’s Eastern Palace, she received a letter from Xiao Rong.
Xiao Rong invited her to the Wangyue Tower, saying she wanted to make a clean break with her.
It was the most luxurious place in the capital, as well as the tallest building.
Xiao Rong stood on the top floor of Wangyue Tower. Beneath her wide, flowing robes, she was terribly thin.
Xie Ning had not wanted to go; she hated Xiao Rong too much. Yet she was unreconciled. Thus, carrying a heart full of resentment, she wanted to tell Xiao Rong in person that from then on, Xie Ning, as the Crown Princess, would be the greatest obstacle in the second half of Xiao Rong’s life.
So she went.
Xiao Rong was alone in the room, without even Su Hexiang, who usually followed her like a shadow.
When Xie Ning arrived, Xiao Rong was drinking wine in serene solitude. Her distinct, slender fingers held a luminous green jade cup, which, paired with the Eldest Princess’s beauty, presented an extraordinarily rare picture of a beauty feasting. Yet from this picture of beauty, Xie Ning saw only boundless darkness.
She hated Xiao Rong. Yet, without such immense love, how could a heart sustain such burning hatred? Thus, upon discovering that Xiao Rong had been poisoned—when Xiao Rong’s pale cheeks flushed with redness as she clutched Xie Ning’s hand, gazing at her imploringly Xie Ning’s sanity collapsed entirely.
She shared a moment of fleeting pleasure with Xiao Rong.
And in the three years leading up to the formal wedding, once, twice, and countless uncounted times, she tangled herself with Xiao Rong.
It was as if love and hatred became concrete, transforming from an indefinable emotion into pure desire.
And Xie Ning sank deeply into those times soaked in bitterness and sweetness, until everything came to an end when Xiao Rong discovered that her father actually had an illegitimate son. To Xie Ning, it was like a bolt out of the blue, and she said, “Even so, my parents’ affection for me cannot be fake, and the Emperor cherishes me dearly as well.”
Xiao Rong’s mouth was like venom, mercilessly puncturing her illusions: “Where is there any true affection? Feelings are all feigned; when laid bare, it is merely a trade of benefits. They are simply using you.”
She had said much more afterward, including analyzing the Xie parents’ utilization of Xie Ning, and even the Emperor’s false affection.
Yet Xie Ning discovered that she did not care about those things; she cared only about Xiao Rong’s true heart.
However, facing such a sharp, edged Xiao Rong, Xie Ning could not bring herself to ask. She was already immersed in honey, yet if certain words were voiced, that sweet honey would likely turn into a lethal poison, completely shattering a heart that was already riddled with holes.
At the very end, Xie Ning no longer sought that answer.
Compared to all these turbulent entanglements, she desired a measure of freedom and release above all else.
And she had attained it.
Now that everything had begun anew, facing Xiao Rong once more because she already knew what kind of abyss lay beneath Xiao Rong’s beautiful exterior Xie Ning was actually able to control herself remarkably well.
It was as if everything had truly passed.
Her heart no longer fluttered for Xiao Rong, nor did it ache because of her.
Until this very moment, when reminded by the eunuch Manager Liu, she had unconsciously kept Xiao Rong’s silk handkerchief and wound ointment.
Those buried memories of the past seemed to be suddenly pulled forth by these two objects, sweeping over her without warning, nearly swallowing Xie Ning whole.
Rapidly, in just a few short breaths, Xie Ning’s back was drenched in cold sweat.
“Miss Xie? Miss Xie?” Under Liu Xi’s repeated calls, Xie Ning’s senses slowly returned to her. She made a decision with great difficulty yet resolute firmess, only to realize her voice was hoarse when she opened her mouth: “I took them by mistake; they were not gifted by the Princess.” Xie Ning handed over the handkerchief and the medicine bottle. “Please trouble yourself, Manager Liu, to return them to the Princess on my behalf.”
She would never repeat the same mistakes. Whosoever wanted Xiao Rong’s feelings could have them; in any case, Xie Ning did not want a single shred of them.