The night of the day I went to a love hotel with Hiyori.
I came home and collapsed onto my bed without even taking a shower.
I hugged my pillow and curled up.
The sheets were cold, and everything was completely different from that room, yet the moment I closed my eyes, it all came rushing back so easily.
The distance between Hiyori and me, the temperature, the air. Everything remained vividly in my mind, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
“……I’m the worst.”
The words I muttered were quieter than I thought.
I didn’t do anything. Nothing happened.
Yet the depths of my chest keep feeling raw and unsettled.
I remember those anxious eyes of Hiyori.
I should have apologized right away and stepped back, but I let my own feelings take over and tried to push forward. Even though we aren’t even lovers.
If I hadn’t stopped.
If I had just gone along with it.
Just thinking about that makes the pit of my stomach twist tight.
Because I like her, because she’s precious to me, because I don’t want to be hated.
Even though I know I shouldn’t step over the line.
Because I like her, I wanted to touch her.
Because she’s precious, I wanted to make her mine.
Because I don’t want to be hated, I want her to love me.
It’s all—every last bit of it—just an excuse.
I hugged the pillow tight. So hard my nails dug in.
What was Hiyori thinking?
What does she really think of me?
What if I had?
What if, back then?
I shook my head.
Telling myself that thinking about it is useless and that I should stop thinking won’t make my heart listen at all.
After we separated, we ate together, but the food tasted like nothing.
Hiyori silently moved her spoon with a look of awkwardness.
We didn’t talk at all until we parted ways at the station.
Hiyori had murmured in a small voice,
“See you at university.”
I could only nod slightly while keeping my gaze lowered, and when I looked up, Hiyori was already gone.
What was Hiyori thinking at that moment?
What kind of face am I supposed to make when I see Hiyori tomorrow?
Even if I do see her, I don’t know what to talk about. Things probably definitely won’t go back to the way they were before.
I wish time could just be rewound.
“What am I supposed to do……?”
The words that slipped from my mouth reached no one and were swallowed up by the ceiling.
♢
The next day, when I went to university, I made up my mind to avoid running into Hiyori at all today.
Luckily, I didn’t have any free periods today, so as long as I stayed hooped up in the lecture hall, I would be fine. That’s what I thought, but.
“The next lecture has been canceled. The make-up class will be———…”
When another teacher came in to make that announcement, I stood frozen with my mouth hanging open in shock.
Seina patted my shoulder and rejoiced,
“Class is canceled! It’s a free period, yes!”
A cancellation that normally would have made me happy looked hateful today.
Please, I hope Hiyori has a class. Or better yet, please let her not be on campus yet.
Praying for that, I left the lecture hall with Seina.
“I’m going to head home for a bit. I forgot something. What are you going to do, Mikoto? Are you going to hang out in the cafeteria or something?”
Seina’s house is just one train station away from the university, so it’s super close and she can get back in no time.
I had been thinking that staying with Seina would be convenient because even if I ran into Hiyori, we wouldn’t talk about yesterday, so this unexpected offer left me frozen again.
“Ah… what should I do……?”
Ideally, I didn’t want to go to the cafeteria.
Because if I’m there, Hiyori will definitely find me.
As I was agonizing over where to go, Seina tilted her head in confusion.
“Usually you’d say ‘the cafeteria’ without a second thought, what’s wrong? You might even get to see Hiyori-chan, you know?”
Since Seina has my behavioral patterns completely figured out, I flinched. The old me would have wanted to see Hiyori and chosen the cafeteria without hesitation.
While I was wondering what to do, Seina suddenly let out an “Ah” and started waving toward my back.
Thinking maybe Reito-san was there, I turned around, and standing there was—
“Hiyori-chan, thanks for your hard workー!”
It was Hiyori, wearing the exact same awkward expression as me.
Seina, completely unaware of anything, was cheerfully waving at Hiyori. Hiyori smiled back at Seina and waved in return.
Before long, as Hiyori walked up close to me, Seina said,
“Well then, I’m heading off! Let me know where you end up goingー!”
And with that, she left the spot.
“Ah, wait, Seina!!”
I reached my hand out toward Seina, but it sliced through empty air.
All that remained was the awkward atmosphere left behind by yesterday.
“———… Should we, um, go to a cafe?”
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
With that, we headed toward a cafe near the university.
♢
We arrived at the cafe and sat across from each other at a two-person table.
Normally we would sit at a four-person table, and Hiyori would sit right next to me, so it felt like it was emphasizing how things really had changed from before.
I ordered an iced tea, and Hiyori ordered a caramel macchiato and a coffee jelly.
Silence fell.
It was unbearably awkward, so I squeezed my hands together tightly in my lap. Still, just staying like this wasn’t going to change anything or make anything happen.
I gathered my resolve and opened my mouth.
““Um……!””
Hiyori and I ended up speaking at the exact same time.
We looked at each other’s faces and lowered our gazes once again.
“Hiyori, you can go first.”
“No, my thing is just trivial stuff… Mikoto-senpai, please go ahead.”
“No, no, Hiyori should…”
“No, Mikoto-senpai should…”
We deferred to each other, neither of us backing down.
Staying like this was getting us nowhere.
I let out a small sigh and turned toward Hiyori.
Hiyori seemed to notice and turned toward me as well.
Our eyes met, reminiscent of how it was on the bed yesterday.
Unlike yesterday, there were no emotions like fear or panic dwelling in those eyes.
“Hiyori, about that… yesterday, I’m sorry.”
I bowed deeply.
I bowed so low I was about to bump into the table, so I managed to stop at the very last second.
“I’m really sorry, um, that must have been uncomfortable for you.”
When I apologized once more, Hiyori raised her voice in a flustered tone.
“Please lift your head up. Um, I’m not angry or anything.”
“No, truly. Um, I just feel like it really wasn’t a good thing to do…”
Instead of raising my head, I bowed even deeper.
Seeing Hiyori’s expression yesterday made me feel like I had no other choice.
I hurt her. Even though I wanted to cherish her more than anyone else.
Even though I’m in a position where I couldn’t complain if she avoided me now, Hiyori is still communicating with me.
If Hiyori weren’t so kind, she couldn’t possibly do something like this. I can’t trample on that kindness.
“Mikoto-senpai! Seriously, please raise your head.”
Told that rather sternly by Hiyori, I reluctantly lifted my head.
The coffee jelly bowl, which usually would have been empty right away, still held a full portion of coffee jelly today.
“It wasn’t like anything happened. Plus, I am, um……”
Hiyori stopped talking there and looked away from me.
Twirl-twirling the ends of her hair with her fingertip, she hesitatingly dropped her words.
“It wasn’t, um, uncomfortable, at all, actually…”
My heart leaped.
It wasn’t uncomfortable? Even if we had gone further, would it have been okay?
Questions I want to ask overflow from the depths of my chest, but they refuse to form words.
“Not uncomfortable” versus “I want to go further.”
I know very well that those sound similar, but they are completely different.
If we had gone further, there would be zero good outcomes for either Hiyori or me.
Hiyori would have been taken advantage of by a senior she doesn’t even like romantically, and I would end up hurting Hiyori.
Hiyori said it “wasn’t uncomfortable,” but that doesn’t tie directly to “it’s okay to go further.” Those eyes of hers were saying just that.
Fear. Anxiety. Tumult.
It didn’t feel like she was saying “It’s not uncomfortable” or “You can go further” at all.
If she had hated it, I could have easily played the villain.
If she had gotten mad, I wouldn’t have had to keep blaming myself like this.
But I was forgiven. Lightly and quietly.
No, was I even forgiven? Hiyori is kind, so is she just making it out like she forgave me?
When I lowered my gaze again, Hiyori gave a sharp clap with her hands.
“It’s really okay! I’m not minding it at all! This is already over and done with! Look, Mikoto-senpai’s ice is going to melt in your iced tea, you know?”
With a smile as she said that, Hiyori cheerfully reached for the coffee jelly.
Hiyori has definitely already sorted it out in her head. She put it back on the shelf as “nothing happened” and can smile normally.
The only one who hasn’t managed to do that is me.
That’s surely because I like Hiyori.
And Hiyori doesn’t like me.
My apologies are all used up. Yet my guilt remains, just taking on a different form.
I put the straw of the iced tea to my mouth and take a sip. Plain iced tea, with no syrup, milk, or lemon, spreads across my tongue.
Hiyori is already acting completely normal, just like always.
“Hey, Mikoto-senpai?”
Hiyori says that as she finishes eating the coffee jelly and places her spoon back on the table.
Before I can reply with a “What?”, she continues speaking again.
“Can I invite you out again? Because I want to go places with Mikoto-senpai.”
She tells me that with complete sincerity.
Unable to nod and unable to shake my head, I just smiled faintly.
Whether that looked like a yes or a no to her, I have no idea.