I didn’t look back. I simply took my broom and moved to another spot to sweep. Who Lin Chongtan was with or what he was doing was none of my concern; right now, I only cared about the upcoming second major exam.
However, when the results for the second major exam were posted, I was still in last place. Instructor Li called me to his study. He didn’t speak immediately, staring at me for a long time before finally saying, “Lin Chun Di, if you really aren’t cut out for this, just go home.”
Hearing his words, I looked up instantly. “Instructor Li, I…”
He didn’t let me finish. “I know what you want to say—that you’re working hard and will work even harder, right? But look at the results of your hard work. Lin Chun Di, if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.”
He seemed to see the grievance and despair in my eyes, as his tone softened for the following words. “Not everyone is suited for this path. I remember you come from the Lin family in Suzhou. Although you are only from a branch of the family, the fact that they sent you to the Imperial Academy proves they treat you well. Even if you can’t succeed in your studies, the Lin family can still support you when you go back. You can find something you actually enjoy doing. Don’t try to do the impossible.”
I can’t go back like that; Father wouldn’t want me!
Ignoring my pride, I stepped forward to beg him. “Instructor Li, I will really improve next time. I won’t be in last place again. Please give me one more chance.”
“I’ve given you many chances already. There was a student whose grades were similar to yours in the first exam, and he made great progress this time. Forget it, think it over yourself. If you keep going like this, it will all be for nothing.”
Instructor Li finished speaking and walked away, flicking his sleeves. I stood in his study for a long time before turning to go to the place where the grades were posted.
The red list from the first exam was still up. I found the name of the student who had been one rank above me—
Duan Xinting.
I checked Duan Xinting’s ranking for this exam; he had actually improved by twenty places.
I wanted to find Duan Xinting to ask him how he studied, but unfortunately, I knew very few people at the Academy, let alone this Duan Xinting. For a moment, I thought about asking Lin Chongtan if he knew who he was, but in the end, I held back.
I had slapped Lin Chongtan; he certainly wouldn’t want to see me now. Besides, he probably didn’t have time for me anyway. I couldn’t keep asking him for help with everything; it’s not like he was anyone special to me.
I could only ask Liangji to help me look into it, as he was usually quite well-informed about such things. To my surprise, the day after I asked Liangji to investigate, Duan Xinting approached me on his own. What surprised me even more was that he was the youth I had seen that day in the Osmanthus Garden.
Duan Xinting had a pair of cat-like eyes that looked round and bright, giving him a touch of innocent cuteness that seemed beyond his years. He tilted his head, studying me for a moment, and gave a small smile. “I heard you were looking for me?”
I pursed my lips. The questions about how he studied suddenly felt impossible to ask. Seeing my silence, the smile on his face vanished. “You were the one peeking last time, weren’t you? First peeking, and now asking around to find out who I am—what exactly do you want?”
Duan Xinting had actually seen me that day?
“I… I didn’t… mean to watch. I wasn’t trying to do anything, really.” I stammered a defense, but because I had indeed done something rude, my voice faltered.
My stuttering seemed like a sign of a guilty conscience to him.
“If you weren’t trying to do anything, why are you stuttering? To be honest, I’ve seen plenty of people like you in my father’s back courtyard.” Even while saying such malicious things, Duan Xinting maintained an innocent and coy expression. “Are you trying to crawl into Tansheng’s bed?”
The sudden insult left my brain momentarily stunned. I didn’t understand why he would say something like that.
“I am not!” My face turned red with humiliation. “That time was truly an accident; I wasn’t trying to spy on anything. I asked about you because I wanted to know how you improved so much on the exam. I didn’t have any other motives. If it’s inconvenient for you to tell me, then I’m sorry for bothering you.”
Duan Xinting laughed out loud. “Oh, so that’s what you wanted to ask. It’s fine, I can tell you. It’s because Tansheng tutors me every day that I’ve improved. I thought you knew, but I guess you didn’t. It seems you and Tansheng haven’t been in touch for a long time. Good. Someone like you shouldn’t be in contact with him anyway.”
He kept saying “someone like me.” What kind of person am I?
Something in my gaze must have provoked him, as his expression suddenly turned fierce. “Vile servant! Who gave you permission to look at me like that!”
He called out to his left, and two people dressed as study attendants immediately appeared. Duan Xinting ordered them: “Hold him down. I’m going to teach those disobedient eyes of his a lesson today.”
The two attendants came forward to grab me. Although I fought with all my might, I was outnumbered. I was pinned to the ground, watching Duan Xinting walk toward me step by step.
He pulled a wooden ruler—the kind instructors use for punishment—from his sleeve, seemingly planning to strike my eyes with it. Seeing the ruler, I struggled desperately. Unable to break free from the attendants’ grip, I turned my head and bit down hard.
“Ah!”
The attendant I bit screamed in pain. Seeing this, the other one immediately grabbed my hair, trying to force me to let go. A sharp pain shot through my scalp, but I wouldn’t let go, wanting to force the attendant to release me.
“This vile servant actually dares to bite my person!”
I caught a glimpse of Duan Xinting swinging the ruler down. Just as I was about to close my eyes in despair, I heard footsteps.
Hearing the footsteps, Duan Xinting tucked the ruler back into his sleeve and turned around with a normal expression. The next second, I heard his panicked voice, “Tansheng… Brother, you… why are you…”
Lin Chongtan was here?
I let go of the attendant’s hand, and the pain in my head vanished. The two attendants didn’t dare pull my hair anymore, but they didn’t let me go either, looking at Lin Chongtan with uneasy eyes.
Duan Xinting was also very anxious, as evidenced by his darting glances between me and Lin Chongtan. He hesitated for a long time before finally saying with a look of utter grievance, “Tansheng, he was the one who insulted me first. I was so angry I had my attendants hold him down so I could talk sense into him. Who knew he would bite my attendant? Look, my attendant’s hand is almost bleeding.”
I wanted to say that Duan Xinting was lying, but I couldn’t get the words out. Lin Chongtan didn’t even look at me; he just gave Duan Xinting a brief nod and turned to leave.
Seeing him go, Duan Xinting didn’t care about bothering me anymore and hurried after him. I saw him grab Lin Chongtan’s arm, his voice returning to that weak and pitiful tone he used in front of him. “Tansheng, wait for me.”
His two attendants looked at each other for a moment, then let go of me and ran off.
I stayed there in a daze for a long while before picking myself up off the ground. My clothes were dirty; I tried to brush off the mud, but it wouldn’t come clean. I could only manage to tie my hair back up to make myself look a little less pathetic.
Fortunately, the path back to the dormitory was empty. As soon as I entered the room, I heard Liangji’s voice. “Young Master Chun, a letter came from home!”
At the mention of a letter, I rushed over to him. “Really? Is it from Mother or Father? Or my eldest brother?”
Liangji teased me, “Young Master Chun, look how happy you are. It’s from the Madam. I put it on the table; go read it quickly.”
Mother finally wrote to me again.
The exhaustion seemed to vanish from my body. I walked quickly into the room and picked up the letter. The envelope was much thicker than the last one. I held it against my chest for a while before carefully opening it with a letter opener.
It was indeed a letter from Mother; I recognized her handwriting.
She asked if I was doing well at the Academy, if I was eating enough and staying warm. She told me about things at home—how Father had opened a new row of shops, how my eldest brother had recently gone to sea with a merchant fleet and wouldn’t be home for six months, and how the twins had started private school and were being very mischievous, often making their teacher furious.
The details of Mother’s letter were like precious gems; with her descriptions, the distance between me and Suzhou didn’t seem so far.
At the end of the letter, Mother said Father wanted her to ask how my grades were at the Academy and, if possible, to send a copy of them home.
the joy I felt from the letter slowly withered away, replaced by despair. Instructor Li’s words flashed through my mind, and I seemed to hear Duan Xinting’s voice again.
—”Lin Chun Di, if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.”
—”If you keep going like this, it will all be for nothing.”
—”Someone like you shouldn’t be in contact with him anyway.”
And then Feiguang Yue and Wenle Nie.
They said I should go work in a brothel.
Finally, the image of Lin Chongtan appeared in my mind. He didn’t speak or look at me; he just gently stroked the head of Duan Xinting—the boy who kept calling me a vile servant.
I seemed to see how Duan Xinting acted cute in front of him, and I imagined Lin Chongtan kissing his lips, just as he had kissed me on our birthday.
“Young Master Chun, why are you crying?” Liangji had run in at some point and tried to pull me up from the floor. “The floor is cold, Young Master, get up quickly.”
I turned blankly toward Liangji, wanting to tell him I was fine, but I couldn’t say a single word.
“Young Master, don’t scare me. Why are you so pale? Weren’t you fine just a moment ago? Weren’t you looking forward to Madam’s letter?”
I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but Liangji looked genuinely frightened.
I looked up at the wall.
Hanging there was the painting Night Tour of the Qixi Festival. I had hung it there hoping I would one day paint something like it to be worthy of Instructor Ming’s praise.
The coldness from the floor tiles seeped up into my body. Besides the cold, something else had entered me—they were like parasites burrowing into my flesh.
Greed, anger, and obsession.
Buddhism says: “Life has eight sufferings: birth, old age, sickness, death, parting from loved ones, meeting those you hate, not getting what you want, and the flourishing of the five skandhas.”
I could not see past them; I was sinking deep within. For this life, these three poisons would follow me like a shadow.
On a rainy night, I went to find Lin Chongtan. Baichi and Qingqiu were surprised to see me. They offered me dry clothes, but I declined and walked straight into Lin Chongtan’s room.