The late autumn in the capital was biting. I had come without an umbrella, and although the rain wasn’t heavy, my clothes and hair were damp.
Lin Chongtan was in his room. He sat at his desk and didn’t seem to notice me until I walked right up to him; only then did he turn his head.
Under the candlelight, Lin Chongtan’s face was washed in a layer of warm yellow light. The light softened his features, making him look less unapproachable. Especially when he saw me, he offered a gentle smile, as if there were no friction between us at all as if he hadn’t stood by and watched me be bullied last time.
“Why have you come so late? Your clothes are wet; go change first.” Lin Chongtan’s tone was the same as his smile, as if he had become a kind older brother again.
He prepared to call for Baichi. Just as the word “Bai” left his lips, I reached out and covered his mouth. My palm was icy cold, a sharp contrast to the warmth of Lin Chongtan’s lips.
Lin Chongtan seemed startled by my action, and his expression flickered for a second. However, I didn’t give him much time to think. For my next move, I took the initiative to sit on his lap.
To me, this was a deeply shameful act. A young man raised on the books of sages should not behave in such a bold and shameless manner. Even though I had prepared myself countless times before coming here, at this moment, I couldn’t stop my face from burning and my fingertips from trembling.
I had no way to retreat.
When I sat on him, Lin Chongtan paused. Then, his hands moved to my shoulders to push me away. “Little Di, don’t be ridiculous.”
Even now, he maintained the posture of an elder brother. I found it absurd.
My family told me to call him “Second Brother,” but in reality, he isn’t my brother—not by blood or by age. He was born on the same day, month, and year as me; his birth hour was simply a bit earlier.
Furthermore, he had kissed me while I was bathing last time. No elder brother kisses his younger brother like that.
I wrapped my arms around his waist, just as Duan Xinting had done. Not only that, I leaned in and actively sought his lips.
Lin Chongtan dodged, and my kiss landed on his cheek.
His brow was already furrowed in what looked like displeasure.
I gritted my teeth, continued to endure the shame, and searched for his lips again. After several attempts, I finally touched them. I didn’t know how to kiss; I only knew how to rub against them gently. After a few moments, I noticed Lin Chongtan actually closed his eyes. His brow remained tightly knit, and the defenses in my heart began to waver.
I pulled back slightly but stayed in his lap. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of what Lin Chongtan had been writing earlier. Looking closer, I realized he was making a calligraphy copybook.
Who was this copybook for?
Duan Xinting?
At the thought, a nameless fire ignited in my heart. I grabbed the unfinished copybook and hurled it violently onto the floor. Startled by the sound, Lin Chongtan opened his eyes. When he saw that I had thrown his work, his gaze finally fixed on me.
I hated him.
If not for him, Duan Xinting wouldn’t have bullied me.
If not for him, I wouldn’t have fallen to this point.
If not for him…
I didn’t flinch or look away from Lin Chongtan’s gaze; there was even a hint of intentional provocation. But he didn’t scold me as I imagined, nor did he push me away again. I couldn’t read his expression at this moment, just as I couldn’t understand the man himself.
After a moment of silent confrontation, I kissed his lips again. Calling it a kiss wasn’t quite right—I was biting him, whether to vent my revenge or to cover up the fact that I didn’t know how to kiss. I only stopped my assault when I heard Lin Chongtan let out a very low, muffled groan because of the pain.
I didn’t want him to see my expression now, but I was unwilling to give up and leave, so I hid my face against his neck.
After an unknown amount of time, Lin Chongtan moved.
He pulled my face away from his neck. As soon as our eyes met, I tried to turn away, but he gripped my face first, refusing to let me move.
“Why are you crying?” he asked.
I bit my lip, trying hard to control my emotions, but I couldn’t. Unable to stop the tears, I momentarily forgot my manners and wiped my face messily with the back of my hand, not wanting to look pathetic in front of him anymore.
I had come here to seduce him; what was the point of crying like this? Lin Chongtan would surely prefer Duan Xinting, and everything I had done would be in vain.
Lin Chongtan seemed unable to bear the sight anymore. He grabbed my hand and took a handkerchief to wipe my tears. When he finished, he said to me, “Go take a bath. Your body is too cold.”
I glanced at him, then looked away, muttering, “I’m sleeping here tonight.”
Lin Chongtan was silent for a long time before answering, “Alright.”
Once again, I slept with Lin Chongtan. This time, right in front of him, I kicked the quilt Baichi had laid out for me into the corner and crawled into his.
In truth, that was the last bit of courage I had for the night.
After lying down, I remained almost entirely stiff.
What would Lin Chongtan do?
Kick me out of the covers?
Or would he…
Lin Chongtan’s clothes had been dampened by me earlier, so he changed into a fresh set. He acted as if he hadn’t noticed what I’d done, turned out the lamp as usual, and lay down in the bed.
Whether standing, sitting, or sleeping, his posture was always perfectly refined. Although we were under the same quilt, we weren’t actually touching.
It felt as if there was a great divide between us.
I hadn’t intended to fall asleep so quickly; I wanted to do something else, like ask him certain questions. But not long after my head hit the pillow, sleepiness weighed down my eyelids, and I drifted off.
When I woke up the next morning, as had happened several times before, I had rolled into Lin Chongtan’s arms. But this time, Lin Chongtan was awake.
He was staring at the bed canopy, lost in thought. Realizing I was awake, he quickly turned his eyes to me.
Having just woken up, I had lost yesterday’s desperate courage. Meeting his gaze, I instinctively tried to shrink back, but a hand stopped me.
Lin Chongtan turned over to support my waist and reached out another hand to touch my forehead. When he touched me, I realized his hand felt refreshingly cool. No, it wasn’t that his hand was cold—it was that my forehead was burning hot.
I belatedly realized I felt light-headed and weak.
“Sleep a while longer. I’ll have Qiongqiu fetch a doctor and ask for a leave of absence for you,” Lin Chongtan said softly.
He let go, appearing ready to get out of bed. After a moment of hesitation, I reached out and grabbed his sleeve.
“Can you… can you stay with me?” I managed to get the words out haltingly. Even worse, because of the illness, my voice was muffled and nasal.
Before looking for Lin Chongtan, I had borrowed several storybooks from Liangji about seducing men. The “fox spirits” in those books were all glamorous and enchanting, making men unable to even walk.
I had intended to seduce Lin Chongtan, but who knew that the moment I saw him, all the tricks I learned from the books would be forgotten? Now that I was sick, it would probably be even harder to move his heart.
At this thought, I gave up on myself, let go of his sleeve, and hid my face under the quilt.
How embarrassing! Truly embarrassing!
Sure enough, I heard the sound of Lin Chongtan getting out of bed. Huddled under the covers, I didn’t have much time to dwell on it before falling into a muddled sleep again. When I woke up next, someone was tapping me.
Groggy from the fever, it took a while after opening my eyes to realize the person sitting by the bed was Lin Chongtan.
I was stunned and quickly looked toward the window.
The sky outside was bright; it was clearly past the time for classes.
Lin Chongtan held a bowl of medicine. “Get up and drink this.”
I didn’t listen to him, saying I wanted to wash up first. He seemed prepared and called Baichi in. While Baichi helped me wash up, Lin Chongtan stood by the side until I had finished the medicine and a bowl of plain porridge.
After the medicine, I started sleeping again, and this time I woke up drenched in sweat. When I came to, I found Lin Chongtan sitting at the desk, still working on yesterday’s copybook.
I bit my lip and forced my weak body to crawl up.
Hearing the movement, Lin Chongtan turned around.
“I want to bathe.” I paused, then added, “I have no strength. Carry me there, Tansheng.”
For the last two words, I mimicked the way Duan Xinting called him. I just wouldn’t call him “Brother Tansheng”—he isn’t my brother.