Unlike last time, Lin Chongtan acted like a complete gentleman this time and made no extra moves at all. After washing up, he carried me back to bed.
Baichi and Qingqiu had already changed the bedding. Having slept for nearly a whole day, I wasn’t sleepy. Seeing Lin Chongtan heading back to work on the copybooks, I hurriedly called out to him.
“Tansheng.”
Lin Chongtan stopped in his tracks.
“I don’t want to sit on the bed,” I said.
In the end, I sat in Lin Chongtan’s lap again. But just like during the bath, he didn’t make any intimate gestures toward me, as if I were no different from the twins who liked to cling to him at home. I felt uneasy and suppressed my shame to kiss him again.
He didn’t dodge; he let me kiss him.
After kissing for a while, I couldn’t bear the blushing anymore. Combined with being sick, I soon pulled away from his lips and leaned against his shoulder, breathing softly.
I truly did not understand Lin Chongtan.
I once heard a story about a blind man crossing a river; because he couldn’t see, he had to feel for stones to cross. Now I had become that blind man, testing Lin Chongtan’s intentions bit by bit, only to find I could never see the river clearly.
But what Lin Chongtan was thinking wasn’t my main concern; as long as he could help me, it was enough.
After resting for a moment, I brought up the matter of Duan Xinting.
“Last time, I didn’t humiliate Duan Xinting. He called me a vile servant and had his attendants grab me, preparing to hit me with a ruler. That’s why I bit his attendant.”
As I said this, I watched Lin Chongtan, wanting to see his reaction. The result disappointed me. He listened quite calmly, his expression not changing in the slightest.
For a moment, I felt I had made a mistake. Perhaps I shouldn’t have thrown myself at him; he wasn’t going to help me.
But besides him, who else could I turn to?
I had no one.
Or was it that I hadn’t done enough?
It was possible that Duan Xinting was more intimate with Lin Chongtan in private; compared to that, he naturally wouldn’t help me now.
However, not long after, Duan Xinting appeared before me again. This time he came directly to my dormitory. He was no longer arrogant; instead, his eyes were red, and he looked weak and sickly.
He looked at me with red eyes, then glanced at Liangji beside me. “Lin Chun Di—no, Master Lin—I have something to say to you. Could you ask your attendant to leave for a moment?”
I said coldly, “Just say it directly.”
Duan Xinting hesitated. Seeing this, I asked Liangji to see him out.
Duan Xinting spoke hurriedly: “I was wrong last time. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I misunderstood you then, so… I’m sorry. I apologize to you. Can you please say a word to Tansheng for me and ask him not to ignore me?”
“Whether he ignores you or not is not something I can interfere with.”
“How can you not interfere? Tansheng, he…”
I interrupted him. “Liangji, the clothes I wore yesterday need washing. Go and do that now.”
Although I knew he would mention Lin Chongtan, I didn’t expect him to be so blunt. I didn’t want Liangji to know about the situation between me and Lin Chongtan.
Once Duan Xinting saw Liangji leave, he spoke even more recklessly, instantly changing how he addressed me. “Dear Chun Di, please help me talk to Tansheng, okay? Last time was truly my fault. I lost my head and misunderstood you.”
As he spoke, he started pulling at me. I felt a strong disgust toward his touch and immediately backed away, but he kept coming forward.
During the struggle, somehow, he fell to the ground. And that was when I saw Lin Chongtan.
I don’t know when he arrived, but he was standing at the door. Duan Xinting seemed not to have noticed him yet. He tilted his face up and spoke to me with a pitiful, aggrieved expression: “Master Lin, I know you are still angry. If you feel you haven’t vented enough, you can hit me a few more times.”
When did I ever hit him?
I opened my mouth to speak, but Duan Xinting started sobbing and crying again. I had never met someone like him and didn’t know how to respond. I looked at Lin Chongtan and found him standing there like he was watching a play—neither speaking nor leaving. So, I simply stayed silent as well.
After crying for a while, Duan Xinting saw Lin Chongtan as he climbed up from the floor. I saw his eyes light up instantly, before turning sorrowful again in the next breath.
“Tansheng,” he called out aggrievedly.
Lin Chongtan seemed to have seen enough of the show. “Why have you come here?”
Duan Xinting stole a glance at me. “I came to find Master Lin to apologize. Last time was my fault.”
The way he looked at me was full of fear, as if I had truly bullied him. I realized then that he hadn’t come to apologize today; he just wanted Lin Chongtan to despise me.
My father had several concubines in his back courtyard. They had no sons and relied on their beauty for a man’s favor. I had occasionally stumbled upon them acting jealous and bitter toward each other.
How ridiculous. Was I actually going to compete with Duan Xinting for Lin Chongtan?
If I didn’t need his help with my studies, I would have taken a stick and chased them both out by now!
“Since you’ve apologized, go back.”
Lin Chongtan’s words caused Duan Xinting’s expression to change sharply. He clearly hadn’t expected this development. “Tansheng, I…”
For some reason, when he met Lin Chongtan’s gaze, he went quiet. A moment later, he left.
His departure didn’t make me happy. Instead, I felt more than ever that I was paying for this treatment with my body.
I bit my lip, feeling I was even worse than those concubines.
The concubines had no choice; they were confined to the back courtyard and had to rely on a man’s whims all day long. But I was out here studying. I should be relying on my own ability to improve myself and bring honor to my ancestors. Yet, because I was slow-witted, I was acting like a courtesan, using my body to trade for benefits.
“Don’t keep biting your lip,” Lin Chongtan said suddenly.
I was annoyed with him right now, but I didn’t want him to see that I disliked him, so I just turned my face away.
Only he and I were in the room. Since I didn’t speak, he also fell quiet. After a while, I heard the sound of something being placed on the table. Then, the sound of footsteps fading away.
Lin Chongtan had left, leaving behind whatever he brought on the table.
I glanced at the brocade box on the table and couldn’t resist going over to open it. Inside was a translucent jade flute; it was clearly of excellent quality. The flute had a tassel attached, and the pattern woven into the middle was actually the character for “Flute”—my name.
Pressed beneath the flute was that copybook I had thrown away. I hadn’t looked at it closely before, but now I saw the first page was inscribed:
“A 17th birthday gift for my younger brother, Xiao Di.”
I stared at those two items for a long time until Liangji returned from washing the clothes. He noticed the jade flute immediately and couldn’t stop praising it, even wanting me to play a tune.
But my skill with the flute was truly poor. I lacked the breath control, and my melodies were always broken.
Liangji had mentioned before that the night I was drunk, I had clamored for Lin Chongtan to sing me a vulgar song, but he had ended up playing the flute instead.
From then on, my relationship with Lin Chongtan couldn’t be called close, but it wasn’t distant either. I went to his place every night, but we didn’t engage in any overly intimate acts. He never took the initiative. Sometimes I wondered if that kiss in the bath had been a hallucination.
Because he never initiated anything, I didn’t know how to ask him for help. My family wanted me to send my grades; I couldn’t delay much longer, at the latest until next spring.
And the third major exam was coming up before the year’s end.
I was anxious and thought about actively seducing him, but he always acted like a living Buddha—unmoving, letting me do whatever I wanted. Eventually, I could only give up in a mix of anger and shame.
In the blink of an eye, the Winter Solstice arrived.
Winter in the capital was grueling, reaching the point where the cold was bone-chilling and the wind felt like knives. Every time I reached Lin Chongtan’s dormitory, I had to drink a bowl of sweet soup and hold a hand warmer for a long time before I could recover.
Once winter began, Lin Chongtan went out less often. But on the day of the Winter Solstice, he returned even later than usual.
I heard Qingqiu and Baichi speaking.
“Master, why is there so much snow on your shoulders? The water is ready; please go bathe first.”
“Master, Young Master Chun is here.”
Lin Chongtan’s voice was low. “Mm.”
By the time he finished his bath and came out, the night was very deep. As soon as he entered the room, I realized he had been drinking—quite a lot. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and his steps were a bit unsteady.
I was sitting on his bed. Since I had been coming over often lately, I usually slept here, and his servants were no longer surprised by it.
Lin Chongtan acted as if he didn’t see me and went straight to the desk to organize something. I had been thinking about how to bring up the third exam with him; perhaps tonight was the chance.
The stories say men are usually easier to talk to after they’ve had some wine.
With that thought, I put on my soft slippers and walked slowly to his side. He saw me and turned his face slightly toward me, but quickly turned back.
He was flipping through an ancient text on the desk.
I took a deep breath and reached out to gently take his hand. “Tansheng, it’s very late. Let’s go to sleep.”
Lin Chongtan said, “If you’re tired, go to sleep first.”
“I want to sleep with you. I… I can’t fall asleep alone.”
Heaven knows how embarrassing it was to say those words.
His movements paused. Seeing this, I pushed past my shame and continued, “The bed is very cold.”
In truth, there was a hand warmer in the bed; it wasn’t cold at all.
Lin Chongtan looked at me for a few moments, then finally put down the book and returned to the bed with me. Once under the covers, I actively snuggled into his arms.
I was debating whether to bring up the third exam first or to pretend to be close to him for a bit.
After a moment of hesitation, I chose to be close first.
Tonight, his lips had a faint scent of wine. When I kissed him, it felt as if I had been drinking too. He still didn’t respond to me, a state I had long grown used to. After carefully lingering on his lips for a long time, I cautiously brought up the exam.
“The third major exam is coming up soon,” I said.
Lin Chongtan kept his eyes half-closed, looking as if he were already sleepy. “Mm.”
I habitually bit my lip, then released it. “I… I don’t want to be in last place again.” I propped myself up to look at him. “Tansheng, will you help me, please?”
His long lashes lifted. “Come find me during your lunch break every day as well. I will tutor you.”
Tutoring was no longer useful to me; short-term tutoring couldn’t possibly make me improve that fast. Since he could help Duan Xinting move up so many ranks, he must have another way to help me.
“Is there any other way besides tutoring?” I asked. I noticed he stopped talking and just watched me quietly. If I hadn’t noticed his gaze was more unfocused than usual, I would have thought he hadn’t been drinking.
I steeled my heart and decided to use what I had learned from the stories on him. I reached my hand down, but before I could touch him, he caught my hand.
“What are you doing?” His voice was still gentle and calm, not sounding angry.
I endured the shame to answer, though my voice was barely a whisper. “Something pleasant.”
That’s how it was described in the books.
Lin Chongtan heard me clearly. He repeated my words: “Something pleasant?” Then, he let out a light laugh.
Before I could understand the meaning of his laugh, I was suddenly pinned beneath him.
“Do you know what ‘something pleasant’ is?” He gently pinched my cheek, his expression completely different from before.
He always acted like a living Buddha, a gentleman; he had rarely shown such an aggressive side in front of me.