After that bout of fever, Shen Nanxing was ill for four whole days.
She never truly rested. She went to work as usual during the daytime and took care of the children as usual at night. She was just visibly thinner, and her voice remained hoarse. Xiao Zhou urged her to get an IV, but she waved her hand and said there was no need.
On weekend night, the two children finally fell asleep. Mother-in-law also returned to her room. Only one floor lamp remained in the living room, casting a dim yellow light. Shen Nanxing sat on the sofa and put the thermometer, fever-reducing medicine, and the children’s workbooks into a drawer.
After Gu Cheng'an finished showering and came out, he saw that she was still sitting there and asked, “Are you still feeling unwell?”
“Much better.”
He hummed, sat down on the other side, picked up his phone, and looked at the messages from the department colleagues.
Looking at the side of his lowered face, Shen Nanxing suddenly spoke. “Cheng'an, sometimes I really feel so tired.”
Gu Cheng'an’s fingers paused.
“The hospital is exhausting, and home is exhausting too.” She spoke slowly. “I know you’re tired too, but it feels like I can never stop. The children, housework, work, mother-in-law’s side—every single thing is automatically assumed to be something I’ll take care of first.”
Gu Cheng'an set down his phone and rubbed his brow.
“Nanxing, everyone has it difficult.”
As soon as he said that, the little desire Shen Nanxing had to confide in him seemed to be gently snuffed out.
“I know everyone has it difficult,” she said. “But I’m not comparing who suffers more. I’m telling you that when I can’t hold on anymore, I hope you’ll be able to see it too.”
Gu Cheng'an fell silent.
His silence was not the sharp kind associated with silent treatment, but a weary, evasive silence born of not knowing how to respond. Shen Nanxing was very familiar with it. Whenever a topic involved sharing responsibilities, mother-in-law, the children, or her grievances, he would fall silent like this.
After a while, he said, “You know the nature of my work too. I can’t simply stop a surgery whenever I want. Mom is getting old, so don’t take some of the things she says to heart. The children are still young. It’ll be fine after we endure a few more years.”
A few more years.
Shen Nanxing lowered her head and gave a small smile, the amusement faint. “You’ve been saying ‘a few more years’ ever since I was pregnant with Yiming.”
Gu Cheng'an looked somewhat uneasy. “Then what do you want to do? Do you want me to quit and stay home to take care of the children?”
Those words were like a thorn.
Shen Nanxing looked up at him. “I never asked you to quit. I just hope you won’t treat my exhaustion as the cost of keeping this family running normally.”
Gu Cheng'an frowned. “Have you been under too much pressure lately? Why are you being so harsh?”
She suddenly no longer wanted to speak.
Many times, women in a marriage have not failed to express themselves. They have expressed themselves many times; it’s just that every time, their words are attributed to being under too much pressure, overthinking, or being in a bad mood. Over time, they learn to keep quiet.
Gu Cheng'an also seemed to realize that his tone had been too harsh, and softened his voice. “Nanxing, that’s not what I meant. I know how hard you work. It’s just that I’m at a critical stage in obtaining my professional title right now, and competition among the department colleagues is fierce. I can’t afford to be distracted too much. Help me hold on a little longer. Once I’m settled, things will get better.”
Shen Nanxing looked at him.
Under the lamplight, Gu Cheng'an’s face was still the familiar one she knew. This man did love her, and he was not entirely heartless. He would send her a red envelope during festivals, bring gifts home for the children when he traveled for work, and order a cake for her birthday. But he was too accustomed to her thoughtfulness, too accustomed to her yielding, and too accustomed to placing his own future at the center of the whole family.
He had never cruelly hurt her.
He had simply failed to catch her, time and time again.
“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep,” Shen Nanxing said.
Gu Cheng'an nodded. “Go to bed early.”
That night, Shen Nanxing lay in bed and heard Gu Cheng'an fall asleep beside her very quickly. She kept her eyes open, the words “Help me hold on a little longer” echoing repeatedly in her mind.
She suddenly wanted to know whether, if one day she truly could not hold on anymore, this family would finally realize that so many things had always been weighing on her.
But soon, she closed her eyes again.
At six the next morning, she still had to get up and cook breakfast for the children.