Shen Nanxing had always felt that the hardest part of home life was not the night shift, but the morning.
No matter how busy the night shift was, at least she knew what she had to do. Resuscitation, intravenous infusions, changing dressings, recording—everything had a procedure, with priorities and degrees of urgency. But mornings at home were different. Everything happened at once; no one made a schedule, no one handed over duties, and no one said, “You’ve worked hard.”
Xiaobao, Gu Yichen, refused to put on his socks.
“They’re poking my feet.” He kicked the socks onto the floor, his little face scrunched into a ball.
Shen Nanxing crouched in front of him and patiently rubbed the sock opening. “Where does it poke? Let Mom take a look.”
“It just does!”
Dabao, Gu Yiming, searched for his english dictation notebook beside the dining table, his voice growing anxious. “Mom, where’s the test paper I asked you to sign yesterday?”
Shen Nanxing’s head buzzed. “Which one?”
“The math test. The teacher said it has to be turned in today.”
She remembered. A little after eleven last night, Dabao had indeed brought her a test paper. At the time, she had been taking Xiaobao’s temperature when she received a call from her department colleagues asking about a temporary meeting the next day. She had casually placed the paper on the sideboard, planning to sign it later.
But later never came.
She got up to look for it, rummaging through the sideboard, the side pocket of the schoolbag, and the gaps in the sofa. At last, she found the paper beneath Xiaobao’s illustrated book. Red-pen marks covered it densely, with “82” written at the very top.
“Why is it only 82 again?” Mother-in-law’s voice came from the kitchen doorway.
Shen Nanxing turned around and saw mother-in-law carrying out a bowl of porridge, her expression somewhat displeased.
“Mom, please don’t bring that up first thing in the morning,” she said softly.
“I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about you parents.” Mother-in-law placed the porridge on the table. “A child’s studies are so important. You and Cheng'an are each busier than the other, so who is taking care of him? I’m old too. I’m not capable of everything.”
Dabao lowered his head and said nothing, but his ears turned red.
Shen Nanxing picked up a pen and signed, keeping her voice as steady as possible. “Yiming has had a lot of homework lately. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“You’ll keep an eye on him? When do you ever have time for that?” Mother-in-law glanced at her. “The shifts you nurses work are a complete mess, day and night. The children get thrown into disorder along with you.”
The tip of Shen Nanxing’s pen pressed heavily against the paper, and the final stroke of her signature came out slightly crooked.
Xiaobao finally put on his socks and then began looking for his dinosaur schoolbag. Shen Nanxing bent down to fasten his coat buttons. Just as she reached the third button, her phone alarm rang. It was the alarm reminding Dabao to leave.
“Yiming, let’s go.”
“I haven’t finished eating.”
“Take the bread with you and eat it on the way.”
Mother-in-law frowned. “What kind of behavior is that, eating on the way? You can’t even eat breakfast properly.”
Shen Nanxing did not respond. She stuffed the bread into Dabao’s hand, put Xiaobao’s water bottle into his schoolbag, and checked his school ID, tissues, and spare mask. Gu Cheng'an’s bedroom door remained closed. He had returned in the early hours and slept for less than three hours, so Shen Nanxing did not wake him.
The wind downstairs was a little cold. As soon as Xiaobao stepped out of the building entrance, he pressed himself against her. Dabao walked ahead, his slender back already carrying the stubbornness of a boy who did not want to look back.
“Mom.” Dabao suddenly said, “grandmother says I have to switch olympiad mathematics Classes next semester.”
Shen Nanxing paused. “Do you want to switch?”
Dabao was silent for a while. “I don’t know. Dad says competition will be fierce in the future.”
Shen Nanxing looked at him and wanted to say, You’re only ten. You don’t have to be weighed down by the word competition already. But she also knew that the school district, make-up classes, grades, and entrance exams were like a fine, dense net. Everyone claimed to hate it, yet no one dared to be the first to loosen their grip.
She only patted her son’s head. “Focus on learning the lessons in front of you first. Don’t be too afraid.”
Dabao dodged her hand. “I’m not a child anymore.”
Shen Nanxing’s hand stopped in midair, then she naturally drew it back.
After seeing both children off, she stood at the school gate and watched the crowds disperse. Other parents gathered in twos and threes to chat about tutoring classes, while she only wanted to find somewhere to sit and close her eyes.
Her phone vibrated again. It was a voice message from mother-in-law.
She tapped it open, and mother-in-law’s voice came through clearly. “Nanxing, remember to ask about Yiming’s olympiad mathematics class after work today. Everyone says places are limited. You need to pay more attention to the children’s affairs. Don’t always use work as an excuse.”
Shen Nanxing stood by the roadside, her finger resting on the screen, and did not reply.
She suddenly remembered the words outside the Emergency Department: “You’re a nurse, not a doctor.” Then she remembered the words at home: “Don’t always use work as an excuse.”
At the hospital, she did not count as a doctor.
At home, she was not truly someone entitled to say she was tired, either.