I’m not sure if you’ve understood something about me so far, but let me make it crystal clear. I’m a damn genius. It’s true! I may stumble headfirst into trouble like a drunkard, but I never stay in trouble.
That’s the difference between me and every other poor dude who’s ever found themselves in a situation like ours. I always find a way out.
You see, the situation we were currently in wasn’t even that bad when you really thought about it. Qinyue and Liangyu were waiting with Han back at the shop. If they didn’t hear from us until maybe afternoon or evening, they’d come looking for us.
And knowing Qinyue’s masterful patience, which is to say, the patience of someone who’d rather stuff food raw in her mouth instead of waiting for it to cook, it was definitely going to be afternoon at the earliest.
But on the off chance that rescue didn’t materialize, we had to make our own move too. We couldn’t just sit here twiddling our thumbs like idiots.
How do we do that? Easy! You see, our prison cell wasn’t exactly guarded by the elite forces of Ironbell. There was just a single guard outside, and he didn’t even look that experienced. A damn rookie. Fresh-faced and probably still excited about his shiny new position.
Which meant that the real powerhouse of soldiers, the ones who actually knew what they were doing, were currently dispatched elsewhere.
Usually work is divided among them evenly, but the very fact that there wasn’t even a single experienced soldier stationed here meant that the other troops were busy with something extremely important. Something that required all hands on deck.
What was it? We didn’t know yet obviously, but we’d definitely get to the bottom of it because this whole situation seemed way too interesting for me now. My curiosity was piqued, and once that happens, I’m like a dog with a bone. I don’t like letting it go.
The very first step I had to take was make sure that Master Juechen heard about this whole suspicious behavior going on in this town.
Sure enough, the officials of other towns should’ve known by now that something fishy was happening in Ironbell with the way they’d locked down the whole damn place like it was under siege. But we didn’t even know about it until we got here.
So they’d done a remarkably good job covering this whole thing up in order to not raise any suspicions from the outside world.
Besides, the shipping of those mysterious crates was still happening regularly, which probably made the surrounding nations presume that Ironbell was still conducting business as usual.
But still, shouldn’t someone have investigated something, given how the literal weapon hub of Wanshou wasn’t actually shipping any weapons since the past month?
You’d think someone would notice that rather glaring detail. Regardless, it wasn’t my job to worry about the incompetence of other officials now, nor did I have the time to contemplate the failures of bureaucracy.
Now was the time to do something about that stupid guard who, to be perfectly honest, had started to become a genuine annoyance.
You know how rookies work, right? They dedicate themselves way too much to the job, more than is remotely needed, and feel like they’re doing the most important shit on the entire planet. Like they’re personally holding the gates against an invading army. The damn dude was on rounds!
Constantly pacing back and forth in front of what looked like barely sixty prison cells, and I’d bet my last coin that most of them were completely empty. What was he even guarding? Dust and cobwebs?
"We gotta try and talk to that guy," I said to Jian, nudging him with my elbow.
"Talk what? ’Oh, my dear friend, we’re innocent and we promise not to repeat what we did, please let us go!’ Like that?" Jian replied with heavy sarcasm dripping from every word.
What a great idea! That’s exactly what I did.
I stood up immediately, cleared my throat theatrically, and said with exaggerated earnestness, "Oh my dear friend! We’re innocent! We promise not to repeat what we did! Can you please let us go?!" I directed this performance at the guard as he came near our cell during his pointless rounds.
He stopped right in his tracks and looked at us with a smile that was more of a sneer, "Who do I look like, buddy? Your damn mom? What, do you expect me to drop to my knees, crying and accepting your half-assed apology? Maybe bake you some sweet cakes while I’m at it?"
"Nope. Not an apology. What this is, is repentance. Genuine, heartfelt repentance. You know what, let’s get to know each other properly. Build a connection. I’m Ziyang. He’s Jian. Say ’Hi’ Jian."
Jian waved at him weakly, looking at me like I’d lost my mind.
"Now, what’s your name, friend?" I asked with my most winning smile.
"I’m Zhang Rui, guard of the barracks," said the guy proudly, puffing out his chest like he just introduced himself as king of the damn place.
"That’s a great name, Zhang! Really rolls off the tongue. Let me tell you a tiny little story about us. You see, our mom passed away when we were just little kids. Barely old enough to understand what death even meant. We had to take care of our sick dad all by ourselves. We didn’t even have money for three meals a day, so we just ate one measly meal and starved for the rest of the day. Our stomachs would growl so loud you could hear them from the next village. The fuckers who we called our ’friends’ tried to console us by saying it was something called’intermittent fasting’ , and that it was healthy new trend floating around, trying to make us feel good about our dogshit lifestyle choices, like we’d chosen it voluntarily. And then one day we..."
By God, the bullshit I told him then... I stretched that fabricated sob story for nearly an hour, spinning tale after tragic tale, embellishing every detail until even I was starting to believe my own lies.
I almost gave up on the idea until he finally was annoyed enough to leave us alone, practically fleeing from our cell to escape my incessant rambling.
You see, you’re never supposed to try and stop the person annoying you directly. That would just make those fuckers double-down and commit even harder to being irritating.
The only way you can actually get rid of someone like that is to switch the places and you become the one annoying them instead.
Make yourself so unbearable that they can’t stand to be around you. Of course, that or you bury them twenty feet under, but we’re not murderers now, are we?
You’re probably wondering why, if I just wanted him gone, we didn’t simply knock him unconscious when he got close enough. Meh, the poor guy seemed kind of decent, just overly dedicated to his job in that annoying rookie way. Why hurt him when violence isn’t exactly necessary? There’s a time and place for everything.
Now that I’d successfully gotten rid of the dude, I sat down on the cold prison floor and got into position to execute my actual plan.
"What was that all about?" Jian asked, still looking confused by my performance.
"Just wait and watch, buddy," I said to him as I closed my eyes and chanted a few magic words to summon Zhou Ge, a pigeon that carries your messages across vast distances. If you’ve ever heard about pigeons being government spies, you’ve heard right!
This particular summoning technique isn’t taught to everyone either. Just the top officials and trusted associates. And since Master Juechen loves me to death, or at least tolerates me more than most, he taught it to me years ago.
Just after a few moments of concentration, Zhou Ge appeared at the prison cell window. It was a tiny opening with thick iron bars, but enough space for a relatively small bird to squeeze through. The bird got in and landed right in front of me and Jian, ruffling his feathers importantly.
"Aww, you’re just as cute as always, Gezo! How are you doing?" I said, reaching out to pat him lightly on his little head. Yup, I call him Gezo. Just a little wordplay on his name that amuses me.
"The fuck do you want now!" he pushed my palm aside irritably with his wing. "What faraway corner of the world do you want to send me to now?! I just got back from the Eastern Provinces!"
Don’t worry about his attitude, he’s usually pissed at me because, as you must’ve understood by now, I really do send him absurdly long distances. It’s not usually within their jurisdiction to go further than a few neighboring nations from wherever you’re sending the message.
But in my defense, he could just simply refuse my requests, but he does it anyway because clearly, deep down, he loves me. Or he’s contractually obligated. One of those.
"Chill, I’m not sending you too far this time. Just go directly to Master Juechen and tell him that there’s something very suspicious going on in Ironbell. Tell him I need assistance as soon as possible. This is serious."
Gezo gave me a long, assessing look with his beady bird eyes, as if judging whether I was crying wolf again or being truthful, then flew off through the window without another word.
"Yup, I’m fine too. Thanks for asking," I muttered with a smile, watching him disappear into the sky.
"You really think this whole thing is serious enough to warrant warning Master Juechen?" asked Jian skeptically.
"Kind of... I got that gut feeling, you know." I replied, tapping my stomach.
"What do we do now then?"
"Give me a few more minutes. I’ll try and come up with a proper plan for getting us out of here."
I guess it was almost lunchtime by then, because I could smell food wafting through the corridor. It smelled disgusting, of course, given that we were in a damn prison and they weren’t exactly serving gourmet cuisine, but it was still food. My stomach rumbled in response. Then, we could hear Zhang screaming at someone down the hallway.
"I’ll whoop your ass if you don’t take this food in the next five seconds!" he shouted aggressively.
"Please, I just want to look at her just once! It’s been three whole days! You told me I could see her yesterday! You promised!" said a trembling voice which sounded like it belonged to someone probably old.
Jian smirked at me, "Whom do you think it is? His girlfriend? Old dude’s so worked up over just three days. Guy may be old, but the heart’s still young, I see."
"Shut up, dude. It could be his wife," I said quietly.
We could then hear the sharp crack of a whip, after which there were a few moments of heavy silence before the old man sobbed brokenly and said just one word, "Mei..."
Me and Jian gave each other a look. "You think...?" he said.
Yup. I guess violence was necessary after all.