How do we begin investigating this kind of a situation? It’s simple! Step one is clearly stating your goal. And our goal was that we had to get to Mei Lian. There were many ideas sprouting.
Do we just walk into the castle like we own the place demanding answers? Hmm, they’d probably just restrain us and take us away from the king.
Do we do something illegal like entering the town when it’s in lockdown, which is exactly what we did, which would lead to the soldiers taking us into the castle themselves in order to put us in trial in front of the king himself?
Kind of an easy sounding plan but there was the possibility of them not even bothering with all that trouble and just throwing us out of the place.
We had to find a way to piss off those dudes.
"Hey Han," I said, leaning forward with sudden interest, "when exactly do these tax-collecting soldiers typically show up at your establishment?"
Han glanced at the small wooden clock hanging on the wall and nodded knowingly. "Oh, you’re right on time actually. It’s around this exact time every single day that they come marching in here to collect their ridiculous tribute. Like clockwork, those bastards are."
Perfect! Sometimes the universe just hands you exactly what you need on a silver platter.
"Alright, listen up everyone," I said, lowering my voice and leaning closer to the group. "I’ve got what I think might be a brilliantly foolproof plan here."
"You mean like the one you pulled at the entrance?," Jian muttered under his breath.
"Regardless, we’re inside, aren’t we? Now shut up and listen. Here’s what we’re gonna do." I looked directly at Han. "When those soldiers come strolling in here to collect their usual extortion money, you’re gonna refuse to pay the taxes this time around."
"Are you completely out of your damn mind?!" Han asked, his eyes widening with genuine terror. "They’ll beat the living shit out of me!"
"That’s exactly where the beautiful part of this plan comes in," I continued with growing excitement. "When those soldiers inevitably get pissed off at you for refusing to pay up, Jian and I will come rushing in like heroes to save your ass by absolutely thrashing the hell out of them. They wouldn’t think we’re putting up a fight with them for no reason. We’re actually trying to save a poor soul because we’re such morally superior citizens."
"And then what happens after that brilliant display?" Liangyu asked skeptically.
"Then they’ll be forced to drag us directly to King Cangyuan himself in order to put us on trial or have some kind of formal discussion with the king about our actions, because an assault on the king’s soldiers usually means a public execution by the king himself in order to set an example. That’s when we get our golden opportunity to confront him about this whole Mei Lian situation and figure out what’s really going on around here."
"That’s... actually not a bad idea, that is ofcourse, if the king decides on seeing you," Qinyue admitted reluctantly.
"Meh, he will. I’m a fuckin’ genius!" I said proudly.
"But what about the rest of us during all this chaos?" Liangyu asked practically.
"Good question. We’ll split up strategically for maximum effectiveness. Only Jian and I will execute the main part of the plan, while you and Qinyue stay here with Han in case things go south and also to provide him backup support and make sure he doesn’t completely panic."
"I’m already panicking! And why would I even help you do this?! We just met!" Han protested loudly.
"Relax, buddy, you’re not committing a crime. They’ll most likely let you go since they’d be so busy being pissed off at us for whooping their asses," I reassured him with what I hoped was a confident smile.
Jian just shook his head in resignation. "I can’t believe I’m about to go along with this insane scheme."
"Come on, where’s your sense of adventure and excitement?" I asked.
"I left it back in Longyao along with my common sense, apparently," he replied dryly.
We quickly positioned ourselves around the small shop. Qinyue and Liangyu took seats at a corner table where they could observe everything while appearing to be casual customers.
Jian and I moved to strategic positions near the entrance where we could spring into action at a moment’s notice. Han stood nervously behind his counter, wringing his hands and muttering prayers to various deities.
"Remember, Han," I called out quietly, "just act natural when they come in. Refuse to pay, and we’ll handle the rest."
"Define’natural’ when you’re about to commit what amounts to defying the damn government," Han whispered back frantically.
"You’ll be fine. Trust the process."
Just then, we heard the unmistakable sound of heavy boots marching down the street, getting closer and closer to the shop entrance.
"Oh shit, here they come," Han whispered, his face turning pale as a ghost.
"Showtime, everyone," I murmured to the group.
The door burst open with unnecessary force, and three imposing soldiers strutted inside. They were all heavily armed and wore matching scowls that suggested they enjoyed their job way too much.
"Afternoon, Han," the lead soldier said with a huge smile. "You know what time it is? It’s fuckin’ MONEY time, baby!"
Han took a deep breath and looked directly at the soldier with newfound determination. "You know what? I’m not paying your ridiculous taxes anymore. This extortion racket ends today."
The lead soldier’s expression immediately shifted from fake friendliness to genuine shock. "Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold. On. Did I hear you right or did a damn honeybee take a shit in my ear?"
"Your ears look clean, boss," said his sidekick, ass kissing soldier.
"You heard me correctly," Han continued, his voice gaining strength. "I said no more payments. I’m done being robbed blind."
"Nobody, and I mean nobody, talks to King Cangyuan’s representatives that way," the soldier drew his weapon menacingly.
That was our cue. Jian and I sprang into action simultaneously, launching ourselves at the soldiers with everything we had.
"Surprise, motherfuckers!" I shouted as I tackled the lead soldier, sending us both crashing into a nearby table.
Jian grabbed the second soldier in a perfect chokehold while delivering a series of rapid strikes to his midsection. "Nothing personal, just business!"
"This feels extremely personal!" cried the soldier in agony. To be honest Jian really did go overboard with it.
The third soldier tried to draw his sword but found himself face-first on the floor courtesy of a flying kick I delivered while rolling away from his buddy.
The fight was intense but relatively brief. These soldiers were clearly more used to intimidating helpless civilians than dealing with actual trained fighters. Within minutes, all three of them were groaning on the floor, nursing various injuries and bruised egos.
"Now comes the best part," Jian said, dusting off his clothes. "They’ll have to take us to the king for this little incident."
Sure enough, within an hour, a much larger group of soldiers arrived to assess the situation. They surveyed the damage, questioned Han briefly, and then turned their attention to us.
"You two are under arrest for assault on royal tax collectors," announced their captain. "You’re coming with us immediately."
"Oh, no! But we only tried to stand up for justice!!!" I cried with exaggeration to sell the performance. I’m a great fuckin’ actor.
"Perfect," I whispered to Jian as they bound our hands. "Everything’s going exactly according to plan."
I’m sure you’re not so surprised but it fucking wasn’t.
Instead of being escorted to some grand throne room for an audience with King Cangyuan, we found ourselves being roughly shoved into a dark, damp prison cell deep beneath what appeared to be a military barracks.
"Wait, this isn’t right," I called out to the retreating guards. "We’re supposed to meet with the king, right? Where’s our execution trial?"
"The king’s busy, asshole. You two are lucky shits," one guard replied dismissively before slamming the heavy door shut.
Jian and I sat in the darkness, listening to the footsteps fade away.
I was about to say something snarky to try and lighten up the mood.
"Don’t even start," Jian said, as if he read my mind.