Ihyeon clenched his pale, clean fist. Long ago, it had been none other than him who had ruined that intimate bond.
Still, why did Seunghyeok’s resolute words make his heart drop the way they did?
Expecting a glass or ashtray to fly at any moment, the crew member curled in worry — but all Seunghyeok did was lift his whiskey glass and take a sip.
The men, cautiously watching each other, forced awkward laughs and rolled their eyes.
“Okay, enough of that weird talk — drink up. Yeah, that’s it.”
“Hey, hey, Deokbae! Slide those dry snacks this way.”
While the others tried to liven the mood with awkward laughter, Ihyeon sat like a doll, expressionless.
Something suddenly intruded into his narrowed view. Seunghyeok idly dragged a pizza box from the middle of the table with one finger and spoke.
“Looks like to them you and I look like friends.”
“……”
“Take a slice, pal.”
Seunghyeok gave a small chuckle as if even he thought his own words ridiculous. Ihyeon kept his lips pressed shut and stayed seated. Seunghyeok’s smile slowly faded as he watched him, and he nodded toward the pizza box.
“What, are you waiting? Eat it.”
He hadn’t touched pizza since a job at a pizzeria around age twenty, but he didn’t plan to tell Seunghyeok that. The cheese stank in his nose; he bit his lower lip and answered softly.
“If I eat this, can I go?”
“We’ll see.”
“……”
“All right, eat then.”
Ihyeon swallowed a rising sigh and picked up a slice.
The first bite hit with that tomato tang and the sickly grease of cheese. He felt nauseous, but with Seunghyeok watching intently he forced himself to chew and swallow.
Each bite felt like eating trash. He clenched his molars to stop the sour bile rising.
Whether he knew Ihyeon’s predicament or not, Seunghyeok laughed softly and sank back into the sofa. As Seunghyeok lowered his eyes and lifted his glass again, the crew finally turned their attention back to Ihyeon. One of them, emboldened, asked.
“Hey, how old were you when you turned gay? Like, one day you’re with girls and the next morning you’re like that?”
“Hahaha! What the hell. Have you ever seen gay guys with girls? They’re born that way, of course!”
The drunk men shoved and tumbled about, but only laughed and gawked. Gu Seunghyeok, seated beside them, clicked his lighter cap with a chuckle.
Only Ihyeon remained expressionless. Despite the mocking conversation, he didn’t clench a fist or grit his teeth; he simply sat still.
“The fuck — so you’d go hold your mom’s hand to catch whales and some urologist would get you hard? Huh, that doctor must’ve been a real piece of shit.”
“You’re an idiot for asking that. Interested much? You’ll catch it, idiot. Ha — careful or you’ll turn gay and get left behind.”
“What the hell, that’s disgusting!”
Ihyeon exhaled a long sigh, still staring at his glass. He felt no reason or need to stay. As he rose and reached for the wallet on the table, Seunghyeok snatched it first.
“……”
Seunghyeok rolled the object between his long, straight fingers, opened the wallet, and rifled through it perfunctorily. He found something and let out a mocking laugh.
A flat, individually wrapped condom slid from between his fingertips.
“So even dick-havers use this stuff.”
“……”
“Not like it’s for getting pregnant, huh.”
Muttering to himself, Seunghyeok tossed the unused condom packet onto the table. Shocked for a second by the move, the crew burst into titters and chatter.
“Ay, boss — that’s how you avoid disease, didn’t you know? I heard gays use condoms more, ’cause of infections! They double up and fuck each other raw or whatever, true story?”
If the purpose was to humiliate him, they’d succeeded. Burning shame tightened Ihyeon’s teeth. He reached for the wallet in Seunghyeok’s hand, but Seunghyeok extended a long arm and batted it away.
“Why lug around all that worn shit? Don’t any of the guys you meet buy you one?”
“……”
“I’ll give you money — toss that and get a new one.”
Seunghyeok, swaying from the alcohol, fumbled through his pockets and, with someone’s help, steadied himself. He patted his jacket as if searching, frowned, and Ihyeon ground his teeth and stood.
“You sure enjoy spending money you earned by beating people up.”
Seunghyeok’s hand halted at the cutting tone. He let his arm drop to his knee and snorted in amusement, wiping his face with one hand before looking up.
“You make a living giving up your ass and act all clean.”
“……”
“Don’t pretend you can pick and choose clean money and dirty money. You sound pretentious. Makes me curious.”
“……”
“How much are you trying to get from that body of yours anyway.”
Seunghyeok laughed with a whistling sound and pulled a fifty-thousand won note from his jacket pocket, offering it to Ihyeon.
“Fifty thousand won enough?”
“……”
“Sell yourself to me once. I can’t do it myself, but I can find some fit kid.”
Seeing the bill thrust at him, Ihyeon’s expression hardened. He felt certain the Gu Seunghyeok he remembered no longer existed. The man before him was different. Well — he had changed a lot too; it was no surprise Gu Seunghyeok had changed.
Standing and looking down at Seunghyeok, Ihyeon met Seunghyeok’s snickering gaze and spoke coldly.
“Gu Seunghyeok. You’ve changed a lot.”
“……”
“You really are a piece of trash.”
Seunghyeok’s mocking smile snapped flat. A light came into his languid eyes and then faded behind heavy lids. He lazily smoothed an eyebrow and let out a thin laugh. After a moment of silence, his lips parted.
“You talk real rough.”
He chuckled to himself and slowly opened his eyes. Setting the wallet on the table before Ihyeon, he said,
“Here. Take it.”
“……”
“And let’s not see each other much, Ihyeon.”
A careless laugh, a low, sinking voice followed.
“I’m bored now.”
He was the one who’d made trouble and scraped at people’s nerves, and now he told Ihyeon not to show up — who was he to say that?
Ihyeon looked at the wallet in front of him, then reached for it. Seunghyeok, clearly uninterested, sank back into the sofa. Ihyeon closed his eyes, took one more look at Seunghyeok’s rocking figure, then turned his back. He hurried up the stairs past the drunken crowd.
Relief that he might never be tangled with Gu Seunghyeok again mixed with the memory of Seunghyeok’s frown at his words. The man acted as if Ihyeon were the offender, despite having said worse things himself.
Worse, the pizza he’d been forced to eat began to churn in his stomach. His steps quickened until, where no one was around, he almost ran.
He pushed open the restroom door, stumbled to the toilet, and retched. The pizza chunk and other swallowed food spewed up with stomach acid.
“Fuck… I told you I don’t eat this shit…”
His eyes burned from the heaving. After flushing, he stood and moved to the sink, wiping his mouth while meeting his watery reflection.
The cold water on his fingertips cut like a blade. Even though he’d emptied his stomach, something heavy still sat in his chest as if it hadn’t been shaken loose.