LILY POV I woke up feeling weird.
I don’t know how else to explain it.
My body felt tired, but my mind wouldn’t stop.
I reached or my phone, and that’s when I noticed my hand.
It was shaking.
I stared at it for a few seconds.
“Seriously?” I moved my fingers, thinking maybe it was just because I had just woken up .
but it didn’t stop .
i picked up my phone anyway and tried to unlock it, but my fingers were shaking so much that I kept pressing the wrong numbers.
I threw my phone back onto the bed.
“What’s wrong with me?” I sat there for a while, staring at my hands.
Maybe I hadn’t eaten properly.
Maybe I was tired.
Maybe I was just stressed.
I didn’t know.
I got ready for university anyway.
I didn’t want to stay home thinking about it.
The moment I reached university, I already regretted coming.
I saw Kiefer.
He was standing near the entrance, talking to someone.
i immediately looked away.
i didn’t even want to look at him anymore.
but then I heard Jay’s voice.
“Kiefer!” she called him I looked.
She was walking toward him.
And just like always, he smiled when he saw her.
That smile.
I hated that smile.
No.
I hated the way he smiled at her.
Jay walked up to him and said something.
He laughed, then took her hand.
I looked down at mine.
They were shaking again.
I quickly put them inside my pockets.
Stop.
I told myself.
Don’t do this here.
I went to class.
I sat down and tried to pay attention, but I couldn’t.
My mind kept going back to them.
I kept hearing Jay’s laugh.
I kept seeing Kiefer holding her hand.
Then the professor started talking, and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly.
I looked down.
My hand was shaking again.
Not a little.
A lot.
I tried holding my pen still.
It didn’t work.
My heart started beating faster.
I swallowed.
What’s happening?
I took a deep breath.
Nothing.
Another one.
Still nothing.
My chest felt tight.
I looked around the room.
Everyone was listening to the professor.
nobody seemed to notice me.
i didn’t want anyone to notice me.
I stood up.
“Lily?” I looked at the professor.
“I need to go.” He looked concerned.
“Are you alright?” I nodded quickly.
“Yeah.” I wasn’t.
I walked out of the classroom as fast as I could.
The second I reached the hallway, I put my hand against the wall.
My breathing was all over the place.
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
I closed my eyes.
“Calm down.” I whispered.
“Just calm down.” But I couldn’t.
I felt like something terrible was about to happen.
Nothing was happening.
I knew that.
But my body didn’t seem to know.
I sat down on the floor and tried to breathe slowly.
After a few minutes, it finally started getting better.
I stayed there for a while.
Then I looked at my hands.
They were still trembling.
That scared me.
I had never felt like this before.
I didn’t know what was happening to me.
So after university, I went to a doctor.
I sat in the waiting room, staring at my hands the whole time.
When the doctor called me in, I sat down.
He asked me what was wrong.
“My hands keep shaking.” i said “How long has this been happening?” the doctor asked “A few days.” i said “Anything else?” the doctor asked I nodded.
“My heart starts beating really fast.
I can’t breathe properly sometimes.
My chest feels tight.
And today I felt like I was going to…
I don’t know.
Something bad was going to happen.” i said The doctor asked me a few more questions and checked me.
Then he looked at me.
“It sounds like you may be experiencing panic attacks.” he said “Panic attacks?” i asked He nodded.
“Stress and anxiety can sometimes cause symptoms like shaking, a racing heartbeat, chest tightness and difficulty breathing.” he said I looked down.
“So I’m not going crazy?” i said He smiled slightly.
“No.
But you shouldn’t ignore it.
If it keeps happening, you should talk to a mental-health professional and continue following up with your doctor.” he said I nodded.
“Okay.” He explained a few things I could try when I felt overwhelmed, like slowing my breathing and grounding myself, and told me to get further help if it continued or became severe.
I thanked him and left.
Outside, I stood there for a few seconds.
I didn’t know what to feel.
I looked at my hands.
They had stopped shaking.
For a moment, I felt relieved.
Then I thought about Kiefer again.
And Jay.
My chest tightened.
I closed my eyes.
I knew I was becoming obsessed.
I knew it.
I wasn’t stupid.
I knew checking where they were, watching them, thinking about him all day…
none of it was normal.
But knowing that didn’t make it easier to stop.
Because every time I told myself to let him go, another thought came back.
What if I lose him too?
I had already lost so many people.
I didn’t want to lose him.
Maybe that’s what was wrong with me.
Maybe I was holding onto him so tightly because I was scared that if I let go…
I’d have nobody left.
I looked at my hands again.
They were still.
But I wasn’t.
Something inside me was getting worse.
And I didn’t know how to stop it.