“Ugh!”
At the sudden scream, the guys who had been deeply focused instantly lost their balance and fell out of rhythm. From all around came curses and groans, but everyone already knew the cause. All eyes converged at one spot, and the coach, hands on hips, let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed his forehead.
“Hearst, how many times is this now? How many times have I told you to hold the handlebar level and pull all the way through? Huh?”
He shouted in frustration. Lucien shrugged his shoulders and hunched his frail frame, which might have seemed pitiful at a glance, but no one showed him any sympathy. Even I held back my urge to say something harsh.
After Lucien awkwardly reset his posture, the coach clapped his hands to refocus everyone.
“Alright, again! Let’s push a little more. Get your posture, grip the handlebar, ready, go!”
Soon fast, rhythmic sounds followed. Everyone moved their bodies back and forth in perfect unison to start practice—everyone except one. I deliberately avoided looking at Lucien, who repeatedly appeared and disappeared out of sync with the others.
Bringing Lucien Hearst into rowing was the worst choice. Of course, no one knew that at the time. Everyone showered me with praise, and Emilio looked at me with eyes full of gratitude and respect. I became the team’s hero in an instant. That day was truly the best.
But the best moment ended quickly. Within less than a day, Lucien revealed his true self. Everyone soon realized he was utterly useless except to fill a number. It was definitely my fault for not properly explaining the uniform at first. I had brought him here after all. Because his loose T-shirt kept catching on the seat as he moved back and forth, panicking and slipping off, I hurried to support him and kindly explained.
“From now on, wear an undershirt and shorts.”
“...Sorry.”
Surprisingly, Lucien apologized softly. I lightly tapped his arm, acting like it was nothing, and returned to practice. Unfortunately, that was only the beginning. I had to remind him several times to hold the handlebar level, but it made no difference. He repeatedly hunched his back, drawing annoyed scolding from the coach. His legs constantly spread apart, and he almost injured himself several times by dropping the handlebar.
Worst of all was how utterly incomprehensible rhythm was to him—like Lacan’s philosophy, but in rowing. The most important thing in rowing was rhythm. Everyone had to move in perfect sync to propel the boat forward, but he couldn’t keep time at all. The coach’s patience ran out in just two days. Who could have imagined that the urgently recruited backup would be such a disaster?
“Ugh, ugh!”
With Lucien’s screams again, everyone silently focused on practice. That included me.
“Alright, that’s enough! No resting, get up! Walk! Drink water!”
At the coach’s shout, the rowers who had been pulling the handles on the rowing machines with all their might stopped moving here and there. Heavy breaths mingled as one by one they sluggishly rose. I was no exception—I shrugged my shoulders, got up, and grabbed a water bottle. As I gulped down the water, my heart kept pounding in my temples.
Daily rowing practice was nothing short of hell. I thought it was just about pulling oars back and forth, but damn, how wrong I was. It was a grueling full-body workout. If I could turn back time, I’d flat out refuse. Damn it, never rowing, ever…
“Dilly.”
The call snapped me back to reality. Turning my head, there stood Emilio. He looked exhausted but still wore a lovely smile. My pounding heart suddenly raced for a different reason. Clutching the water bottle tightly, it crumpled with a crunch. I hastily put it down and smiled awkwardly as I looked up at him. Emilio kept smiling and spoke.
“It must be really tough. You’ll have to start college prep soon, too. Thanks for coming to practice regularly.”
“Uh, well, I said I’d do it. It’s okay.”
I had no choice but to say that. After all, I’d come this far enchanted by Emilio’s smile. Even if I went back to that day with today’s memory, I’d nod right away. To see this cute Emilio every day, such a price was naturally worth paying.
We started walking side by side, and I made small talk with Emilio. This time was also sweet after pain. Because the reward was sure to come, I was always willing to endure the time. My exhausted body that had been immobile now walked and spoke with ease, a strange but pleasant feeling. Holding back the urge to hug and kiss this small, cute Emilio was another kind of pain.
“By the way, Dilly. If nothing happens today…”
“Yeah?”
My ears perked up at his eager start. Could it be? A date? Really? I immediately accepted the idea and felt my mouth break into a grin. God, no one could steal this bittersweet moment from me…
“Dilly.”
The low, ominous voice shattered my fantasy instantly. Feeling like I’d been doused with cold water, I stopped and slowly turned around. As expected, there he was, watching me.
Lucien Hearst.
“Ah…”
I sighed without thinking and hurriedly shut my mouth. His frail, lanky body, hunched back, forward-rolled shoulders, turtle neck jutting out, and hollow eyes behind thick glasses.
The familiarity made me want to squeeze my eyes shut. Emilio was also just as stunned. But only briefly. He soon smiled brightly and said casually.
“Sorry, my friend was waiting.”
“Uh, no.”
I quickly averted my gaze from Lucien and looked at Emilio. But before I could say anything, Emilio stepped back and said,
“Well, I’m off then…”
“Wait, wait, wait, Emi! What were you going to say? Huh? Tell me!”
I anxiously reached out to him. Emilio stopped and looked back at me. Smiling sheepishly and awkwardly, he said,
“Ah, I was just going to ask if you wanted to go back to the dorm together. It’s nothing, don’t worry.”
“Uh…”
I let out a dumbfounded groan, but Emilio waved cheerfully and really left. I could only helplessly watch his fairy-like retreating figure. The satisfaction and joy filling my chest drained like a receding tide, leaving only emptiness. I slumped my shoulders and reluctantly looked back. Lucien was still standing there.
Seeing him, I let out a deep sigh as if exhaling all the air from my lungs. My face darkened involuntarily, but I couldn’t help it. I was too tired to fake any expression. All my remaining energy seemed to have gone to Emilio, leaving me utterly drained as I stared blankly at Lucien, as if asking what he wanted to say.
The guy who had just been standing still finally spoke. Pausing heavily, in his slow, deliberate tone.
“Practice’s over… time to go to the dorm…”
As expected, the usual words. Every day, exactly the same. But today he added one more.
“Shall we go out and buy something to eat?”
After that careful question, Lucien smiled faintly. Definitely smiling, but the sight sent a chill down my spine—probably because his pale complexion had turned gray from intense training and his hunched shoulders. I quickly shook my head, feeling like I was staring at a witch from a fairy tale.
“No, I’m fine. I already ate dinner before practice.”
Of course, that was a lie. I was starving, but I’d rather starve than go out with Lucien. The thought of leaving him was all I could think about. Going out together? Ridiculous.
I forced a smile and looked at him, but Lucien’s disappointed, slumped shoulders sank even lower. Fearing he might make another suggestion, I hurried to say,
“Let’s just go back. I want to wash up and lie down quickly. My whole body hurts.”
I laughed nervously and turned first, but my expression immediately hardened. Swallowing another sigh, I reluctantly walked on, and Lucien followed closely behind. Instead of Emilio, I left the practice hall side by side with Lucien Hearst.
Troublesome.
As we walked quietly to the dorm, I glanced at Lucien beside me and let out a deep, secret sigh. Since that day, Lucien had been like fish food stuck to me. Before he said he’d join rowing, I had been the one trailing him, but now the tables had turned. I even wondered if he was seeking revenge for what he’d endured from me.
Wherever I was on campus, there he was. Before class, after class, lunch, before practice, during practice, always sitting next to me, and now even following me back to the dorm as the day’s last routine. Thanks to that, I hadn’t eaten lunch with my usual friends or hung out with them in a long time.
Why did this happen?
I felt a headache coming and sank into thought. I thought everything would end once Lucien started rowing, but instead he clung to me like this.
But it was my own fault. Everyone warned me against getting close to Lucien Hearst, saying it wouldn’t end well. I ignored it all. I felt like I was tasting life’s bitterness for the first time. I even tried to reflect a little.
But I couldn’t keep going like this forever.
No matter how annoying or tedious Lucien found me, wasn’t this enough? It was time to end it. That would be better for him too.
I made that conclusion and looked around. The path to the dorm was empty. The campus, sparsely dotted with lampposts, was silent except for trees lining both sides shaking with the occasional night wind, making eerie sounds. After confirming no one was around, just as I was about to speak, a strange thought popped into my head.
Here, if this guy does something to me, no one would know.
The creepy thought passed quickly. If he’d wanted, there had been many chances already. It wasn’t like something unexpected would suddenly happen now. Feeling pathetic, I began.
“How’s it going, Luc? Manageable?”
The answer came after a pause. At best, a slight shake of the head. Seeing that, I barely held back a sigh. Yeah, no improvement as far as I could see.
“It’s okay. I’ll get better soon. I struggled a lot at first too.”
I listed some mistakes I’d made jokingly, and Lucien just listened quietly. Talking alone was tiring, so I didn’t last long. But my purpose was clear, so without much delay I got to the point.
“How about trying to hang out with the others a bit? It’d help with practice. Rhythm is important in rowing, so getting closer to everyone wouldn’t be so bad, right? Since you’re here anyway, making friends isn’t bad.”
Stop following me around all the time.
Hiding my true feelings, I hinted this, but Lucien just blinked in response. Did he not get it?
I had momentarily forgotten he was a total outsider. Maybe I was his first friend ever. Feeling a chill, I decided to make my meaning clearer.
“Hey, you don’t have to stick just with me, right?”
I added a gentle smile.
“You don’t have to sit next to me at practice either. Why not move next to someone better? They’d help more. I haven’t been at it long, so I’m a beginner too, just like you. Maybe ask the coach more actively.”
I hoped he’d understand this time. Lucien opened his mouth, but what came out was completely unexpected.
“You’re a friend.”
“Huh, huh?”
Taken aback, I stammered. I blinked up at him, and Lucien continued in his slow, typical tone.
“Since we’re friends, isn’t it natural to be together?”
“Uh... uh?”
My mind went blank. What was he saying? As I hesitated to speak, Lucien added before I could,
“You said you like me.”
My breath caught. I couldn’t speak, just flailed awkwardly, and Lucien said,
“That’s why we became friends. And why we’re rowing together, right?”
Without giving me time to make an excuse, he pressed on.
“Did you lie?”
I almost hiccupped from the sudden pressure. A cold breeze brushed down my spine. No one else was around, just Lucien and me standing under a dim streetlight. There was nowhere to run. Lucien stared relentlessly without blinking. I felt like a trapped bird caught in my own snare, completely cornered. Panicking, I hastily shook my head and forced a laugh.
“Of course not. We’re friends, what are you saying? Don’t be upset…”
I hugged Lucien’s neck, acting close, pressing my cheek against his, and casually added loudly,
“Besides, you’re just a backup. No need to practice so hard. You probably won’t get a position anyway. Let’s just take it easy, okay? O.K.?”
Maybe then he’d get tired and stop showing up?
That wouldn’t be so bad. I knew the team was buzzing with rumors that backups like him were more trouble than help. I didn’t know if Lucien knew, but even if he did, he probably didn’t care.
I couldn’t tell him not to show up since I’d brought him in. But then I thought,
If he says he won’t show, what can we do?
Emilio wouldn’t say anything, since backups were optional anyway.
But Lucien said something completely different from what I expected.
“It’s okay. I can do it.”
In his usual gloomy, low voice, he murmured. When I looked down from the embrace, Lucien looked up at me.
“Thanks for worrying about me.”
He added a pale smile directed at me. And I couldn’t say anything more.