I woke up long before my alarm went off the next morning.
A faint light filtered through the gap in the curtains, casting a pale glow in the room. It seemed morning had already come.
Even though I’d had my eyes closed for some time, I felt no sense of having rested. I remembered spending the night with shallow breaths, a restless unease churning deep in my chest.
When I slowly sat up, my back felt heavy. My arms and legs felt dull, as if they didn’t belong to me. My body should have fully recovered by now.
I headed to the bathroom and stood before the mirror. There I was, looking terribly haggard. A faint shadow clung beneath my eyes, and my skin looked somewhat withered. Even the color of my lips was dull.
“…If I go out like this, my coworkers will worry.”
Muttering to myself, I decided to try and cover it up with makeup so it wouldn’t be noticeable. Even after finishing, the person in the mirror was far from perfect. Still, I’d managed to make a face that didn’t look not okay.
My body felt terribly heavy, but I couldn’t collapse—I couldn’t keep causing trouble at work. And in the end, that would be for Tsumugi’s sake too… I wanted to believe that.
After finishing my preparations to some degree, I went out to the living room. Tsumugi was nowhere to be seen. Her room door remained closed; I couldn’t even tell if she was awake. I thought I heard a faint sound.
But I couldn’t tell if it was really her or just my imagination.
And so, deciding to prepare breakfast, I stopped trying to check. …No, I was surely just afraid of being rejected.
I was afraid of being met with those eyes again, those words from yesterday. Once school starts, maybe this awkward life will change a little, too.
Pushing that thought something between hope and anxiety into a corner of my heart, I began preparing breakfast, including a portion for Tsumugi. I didn’t know how much she’d eat, or if she’d eat at all, but I didn’t want her to go hungry.
◇
…In the end, Tsumugi hadn’t come out by the time I finished eating.
I wrapped the finished breakfast in plastic wrap, then took a thousand-yen bill from my wallet and placed it alongside a small note.
‘I’m going to work. Please use this money for lunch.’
I didn’t call out to her directly. I thought that for Tsumugi now, my voice would only be unpleasant.
At the entrance, I put on my shoes, placed my hand on the door, and looked back. Toward the utterly silent interior, I whispered softly.
“…I’m off.”
Naturally, there was no reply. But I felt like if I didn’t say the words, I couldn’t start the day.
◇
When I arrived at the company, I went straight to the person I’d caused the most trouble for.
She was my senior from high school, a precious person I’d coincidentally reunited with at the same company. She also understood my relationship with Shiori well.
Maybe seeing me talk with my senior made her jealous, because Shiori would sometimes say things like, “Are you cheating on me?!” She’d even add nonsensical reasons like, “She has bigger boobs than me!”
Looking back now, even that was a happy time.
“Senpai, I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused.”
When I raised my lowered head, Senpai was looking at me with a surprised expression and a voice that didn’t hide her concern.
“There weren’t any major projects, so you could’ve taken more time off… But Akane, are you really okay?”
“Yes. I have to work.”
My own voice sounded surprisingly stiff.
“You’re not pushing yourself?”
“…I’m fine. If I stay at home, I’ll just end up brooding.”
Senpai furrowed her brows, staring intently at my expression. Then, she let out a soft sigh and gently took my hand.
“Come with me for a sec.”
I had no energy to resist and simply let myself be led. I felt the surrounding glances turn toward us for just a moment, but even that felt distant now.
When the door to an empty meeting room closed, the bustle outside faded away as if it were a lie.
Senpai had me sit on a chair and sat down opposite me. Then, she stared straight at me.
“You’re not okay. I can tell even with the makeup—you look awful. Are you sleeping properly?”
“…I’m sleeping. About two hours or so.”
I unconsciously tried to form a smile, but it must have been strained.
“You know that’s not what we call sleeping, right?”
Hit right on the mark, I lowered my gaze.
Even after being discharged from the hospital, there are nights I can’t sleep without sleeping pills. And even if I do sleep with them, I keep searching for Shiori in my dreams… I absolutely couldn’t bring myself to say something like that.
“I’m fine! I’ve gotten a little used to it.”
“You shouldn’t get used to it… I don’t need to see you to know your heart is in tatters over Shiori. I’ll talk to the department head, so go home and rest a bit more—”
“I can’t…”
Before I knew it, I had cut off Senpai’s words.
“I have to protect Tsumugi-chan… Shiori’s little sister.”
The moment I said that, the final moments of that day with Shiori flashed in my mind, and a sharp pain shot through the depths of my chest.
Senpai lightly tapped the desk and declared in a strong tone.
“If you’re like this, Akane, you won’t be able to protect anything!”
The moment those words pierced my chest, Senpai stood up, and the next instant, she was holding me tight in a hug. The sudden warmth stopped my thoughts.
“Se…npai…?”
“Sorry for yelling suddenly. But you don’t have to put on a brave face in front of me.”
A gentle whisper by my ear.
“You can complain as much as you want, you can cry. If you’re struggling, you can rely on me. I’m still your senpai here, too, so let me act cool.”
That soft voice touched something in my heart that was on the verge of breaking. I felt like I heard the sound of a tightly drawn string snapping.
“…Ah…h…”
Tears began to overflow without end. Just from the sensation of them trailing down my cheeks, I realized just how close to my limit I had been.
I hadn’t intended to cry this much. And yet, I couldn’t stop what was overflowing.
“This room is soundproof, so you can scream all you want. I’ll take all of it, I’ll catch it all for you.”
Those words became the trigger, and everything I had pushed down deep in my chest came flooding out all at once.
“…Shiori… Shiori! Waaahhh!!”
I called Shiori’s name over and over, until my throat felt like it would tear. Even though I knew she’d never hear, I couldn’t stop calling.
The whole time, Senpai kept stroking my back. In a steady rhythm, gentle as if soothing a child.
I had no idea how long I cried. My sense of time had melted away that much. My cheeks were hot, my body was limp and heavy, my breathing shallow.
Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep in Senpai’s arms.