Just the thought that the junior sister might have some kind of ambiguous relationship with their advisor made Ruan Chen feel a burning pain in his chest.
Over the past two years, his thesis had progressed terribly. He had already delayed graduation twice. The pressure from his family was enormous and his interpersonal relationships were especially poor. For a time, even escaping into literature and films to avoid reality stopped working.
He felt as though not a single person in the world cared whether he lived or died. Many nights he hid in the darkness and cried and more than once he had even thought about ending his life.
Then, last year, the advisor unexpectedly took on a few graduate students. Usually the doctoral seniors were asked to guide the newcomers casually and that was how he came to know the junior sister.
Only then did he begin to feel a faint sense of existence again, as though there was at least one person in the world willing to treat him kindly.
And because of that, he had also been willing, for the sake of the junior sister, to persuade Mu Xinghai to turn back from his reckless ways.
Who would have thought that while trying to persuade him, he himself would somehow end up in bed with Mu Xinghai?
And later he discovered that the junior sister might not be as pure and innocent as he had imagined.
It wasn’t as if there had been no signs. It was simply that he had always found excuses for himself.
The advisor’s obvious favoritism toward the junior sister had even caused some dissatisfaction among others but he would always persuade himself that it was because the junior sister was lively and lovable. Besides, she was the only female student under the advisor now. Girls deserved a bit more care and attention, so he told himself it was only natural.
That day, he had gone back to take another look.
And he really did see the advisor get out of the car and walk into the hotel.
For the past few days, Ruan Chen couldn’t help but keep thinking about it. Why had the advisor appeared so late that night? Why go to a hotel in the middle of the night?
There wasn’t any direct evidence connecting those things yet his intuition kept quietly screaming inside him.
He was truly a weak, fickle person, suspicious and doubtful. Ruan Chen really disliked himself.
Before, he had thought Mu Xinghai was simply a playboy but after spending some time as friends with him, he had grown confused. He felt that Mu Xinghai was actually a good person.
Just when he had begun to think that way, Mu Xinghai slept with him.
And not just once.
Afterward, Mu Xinghai irresponsibly proposed that they remain nothing more than casual bed partners, which left Ruan Chen somewhat disappointed.
Then he chose to believe the junior sister’s words.
But it seemed that what she had said wasn’t entirely true either. Perhaps she herself was involved in ambiguous relationships with other men.
And what about himself?
Ruan Chen thought about it and realized that he could no longer claim to be a good person either.
He had so easily accepted an improper relationship between two men and maintained a secret lover’s relationship with a young man whose private life was far from respectable.
Thinking about the junior sister filled him with a burning ache.
Thinking about Mu Xinghai made it impossible for him to sleep at night.
To him, Mu Xinghai was like the embodiment of those dirty, hidden temptations buried deep in his heart, entangling him, pulling him downward. He didn’t even know where that descent would ultimately lead.
They only held each other when no one was around, in places where no one could see them. Apart from the two of them, no one knew about their secret relationship.
Ruan Chen could barely accept such a secret, absurd connection. Quietly existing like this meant it would also quietly disappear one day. He had heard that Mu Xinghai planned to go abroad for further study, while he himself would graduate this year.
This year was the final ultimatum for his doctoral degree. If he still couldn’t pass this time, he truly would never graduate.
After what had happened last time, Mu Xinghai didn’t come looking for him for quite a while.
That actually allowed Ruan Chen to devote himself entirely to his studies.
One day, Ruan Chen carried a stack of books and headed to the library.
But just outside the library, he happened to see Jiang Tingting and Mu Xinghai together.
The two of them seemed to be chatting about something. Their relationship looked fairly peaceful, almost like good friends.
Ruan Chen truly couldn’t understand them. Could people who had once loved each other really step back and become friends again?
He hesitated for only a moment.
Mu Xinghai seemed to sense something instinctively. He turned his head and immediately caught Ruan Chen’s gaze.
Both of them froze.
A moment later, Ruan Chen quickly looked away, wishing he could disappear into a crack in the ground.
But Jiang Tingting called his name.
“Ah, Senior Brother Ruan.”
Ruan Chen stood neither too close nor too far away and gave a small nod.
“Good afternoon.”
Mu Xinghai cast him a meaningful glance before saying, “Oh… I was wondering why you looked a bit familiar. So you’re her senior brother.”
Jiang Tingting laughed lightly. “We even saw each other once at a gathering before. You really do forget people easily.”
Ruan Chen felt awkward. Like strangers meeting for the first time, he said, “Hello. Hello.”
But when Mu Xinghai truly treated him as if he didn’t know him, Ruan Chen’s feelings became complicated. There was disappointment yet also a sense of relief.
He knew this was the best choice.
Ruan Chen said, “Then I’ll go read now. You two continue talking.”
After saying that, he hurried into the library as if fleeing, not daring to look back.
He had arrived too late today.
After searching for a while, he couldn’t find an empty seat anywhere.
Then he saw Mu Xinghai walking toward him from the opposite direction, carrying a bag in his hand. Mu Xinghai wasn’t even looking at him.
Ruan Chen didn’t know whether he was actually looking for him but he truly had no idea how to interact with Mu Xinghai outside in public. So he simply chose to avoid him.
He quickly slipped between two rows of bookshelves nearby, praying that Mu Xinghai hadn’t seen him.
But a moment later, Mu Xinghai followed him in and stopped beside him.
Ruan Chen didn’t turn his head yet the fine hairs at the back of his neck seemed to stand on end with sensitivity.
Mu Xinghai said, “Senior Brother, this entire row of shelves is filled with modern romance novels. You probably didn’t come here to read romance stories, did you?”
Ruan Chen looked up.
Sure enough, it was exactly as Mu Xinghai had said. The books all had bright pink and colorful covers.
His face flushed red.
“There were no seats left,” he said. “I’ll just go back.”
Mu Xinghai asked, “Do you want to go to my place to study?”
His family was well off. Since the undergraduate years he had disliked living in crowded dormitories and had rented an apartment near the school instead.
Ruan Chen didn’t agree.
Mu Xinghai frowned slightly.
Then Ruan Chen spoke.
“How come you and Jiang Tingting were chatting and laughing like that?”
Oh, jealousy. Mu Xinghai thought to himself but what he said aloud was, “It wouldn’t look good to completely fall out with her. My parents quite like her. They even gave her gifts before, so she asked me to return the favor. I agreed.”
Ruan Chen said quietly, “Oh.”
Mu Xinghai stepped a little closer.
“So… do you want to come to my place?”
Ruan Chen felt that he had no way to refuse.
Mu Xinghai brought Ruan Chen back to the apartment he had rented.
He had already endured for more than a week. During this time, he had often wanted to go find Ruan Chen yet he always felt as though he would be chasing after him too eagerly. Meanwhile, Ruan Chen himself seemed distant, neither warm nor cold.
In all his life, Mu Xinghai had never had a romantic relationship like this.
No. What existed between him and Ruan Chen couldn’t really be called a romantic relationship at all.
So he had deliberately held himself back, wanting to let Ruan Chen stew for a while, to make him miss him.
When they hadn’t seen each other, it had been bearable.
But the moment he saw him again, Mu Xinghai wanted to have him.
As soon as Ruan Chen entered the apartment, he looked around. Seeing that the desk was cluttered with things, he said, “Could I sit by the coffee table to study?”
Mu Xinghai frowned slightly.
“…Alright.”
If Ruan Chen’s ears and neck hadn’t already turned red, Mu Xinghai might truly have believed that he hadn’t understood the ambiguous invitation.
Ruan Chen took off his shoes and sat down on the carpet. From his canvas bag, he carefully took out his books, laptop and notebooks, placing them neatly in front of him.
Mu Xinghai sat down beside him.
He didn’t say anything. He simply watched as Ruan Chen read and wrote.
Strangely enough, just quietly watching him like this felt interesting to Mu Xinghai.
It really was strange.
Before, he had never noticed anything special but now, the more he looked, the more attractive Ruan Chen seemed to him.
His eyelashes.
His lips.
The tips of his fingers.
The small freckles scattered across the bridge of his nose and cheeks.
The soft, delicate fuzz beneath his hairline at the back of his neck.
And the two tiny moles on his collarbone, half hidden beneath the collar of his shirt.
Everything about him seemed light and clean.
Yet in Mu Xinghai’s eyes, there was an oddly compelling kind of allure.
Time seemed to pass incredibly slowly.
Ruan Chen felt as though he were being watched by some kind of beast lurking nearby. His heart pounded violently in his chest.
He couldn’t escape.
And, in truth, he didn’t want to escape.
After enduring it for who knew how long, he finally gathered the courage to speak.
“Y… you… stop staring at me like that. It makes me uncomfortable…”
As he spoke, he lifted his head and slowly turned to look at Mu Xinghai.
Mu Xinghai’s eyes were far too beautiful.
When they fixed on someone, they seemed intensely focused, almost deeply affectionate.
The moment Ruan Chen met his gaze, he felt dizzy.
By the time he regained his senses, they were already kissing again.
Even the few steps to the bedroom felt like a waste of time.
They did it once right there on the carpet.
Then again on the sofa.
And only afterward did they move to the bedroom.
Halfway through, his phone chimed with the sound of a new message notification.
The only people who would message him were his advisor or his junior sister. Most likely it was the junior sister.
A wave of guilt rose in Ruan Chen’s chest. At the same time, he was afraid that Mu Xinghai would see it.
But Mu Xinghai casually reached out with his long arm and picked up the phone.
With one glance he saw the sender’s name, “Jiang Tingting.”
He let out a low laugh and deliberately said to Ruan Chen, “Look. Jiang Tingting is asking when you’ll hand in your assignment.”
“Want me to reply for you? I could tell her you’re currently sleeping with her ex boyfriend.”
Ruan Chen’s entire face turned bright red.
“…Don’t. Don’t look at my phone.”
He was terrified that Mu Xinghai might discover the truth, that the person he actually liked was his junior sister. The thought alone made his heart pound in panic.
Mu Xinghai complied easily.
He placed the phone back on the bedside table.
“Fine. I’ll focus on you instead.”
Ruan Chen’s face grew even redder.
Mu Xinghai didn’t suspect anything at all. In his mind, he had already assumed that Ruan Chen was gay. Even if he had a somewhat closer relationship with Jiang Tingting, that didn’t mean much, just a friendly gay bestie, after all.
Ruan Chen himself felt extremely embarrassed.
In the end, he hadn’t written a single word of his assignment. They had only been fooling around the entire time.
Afterward, he was so exhausted that he fell asleep almost immediately.
In the middle of the night, he woke up feeling thirsty.
Ruan Chen quietly sat up, gathering the clothes scattered across the floor and putting them on one by one until he was properly dressed again. Then he went to the kitchen to get some water.
Mu Xinghai clearly never cooked. The kitchen was cold and unused.
There was a bottle of mineral water on the table. Ruan Chen poured half a cup into his own cup and drank it.
He didn’t turn on the lights.
He moved quietly, almost like a thief sneaking around.
After finishing the water, he returned to the bedroom doorway. He looked inside and saw Mu Xinghai still sleeping.
After thinking for a moment, he decided he didn’t want to go back to the bed.
Instead, he lay down on the living room sofa, still fully dressed and closed his eyes.
He had only been lying there for a few minutes.
He hadn’t even fallen asleep yet.
Mu Xinghai came out in the darkness and walked over.
He crouched down beside the sofa and asked softly, “Senior brother?”
He didn’t sound particularly happy.
Ruan Chen pretended to be asleep.
Mu Xinghai picked him up and carried him back into the bedroom, placing him beneath the blankets.
Then, piece by piece, he removed all the clothes Ruan Chen had just put back on.
Since Ruan Chen was pretending to sleep, he naturally remained completely motionless.
But Mu Xinghai grew increasingly excessive.
Ruan Chen truly couldn’t understand it.
Did this guy really have that much energy?
Mu Xinghai said, “Not pretending to sleep anymore?”
He deliberately bullied him until Ruan Chen trembled and began to sob softly.
Afterward, he felt a faint trace of regret.
He thought he might have gone a little too far this time. If that were the case, he might not be able to coax Ruan Chen into coming over again.
But seeing that Ruan Chen had refused to sleep beside him had truly irritated him.
It was like a little cat rubbing against you until it was comfortable and satisfied yet refusing to sleep beside you afterward, insisting instead on curling up on a piece of hard cardboard somewhere else.
This time, after everything was over, Mu Xinghai held him in his arms and lingered in quiet intimacy.
He had still been planning to coax Ruan Chen into coming back again.
But unexpectedly, Ruan Chen spoke first.
“Next time, I’ll come to find you.”
Mu Xinghai paused. “Hm?”
Ruan Chen said, “There are too many people who know me in the school dormitory. I’m afraid someone might discover us. It would be better if I came to you instead.”
Mu Xinghai’s irritation disappeared instantly.
The way Ruan Chen said it made it sound as though he would simply come whenever Mu Xinghai wanted, leave whenever he was dismissed, almost as if he were completely at Mu Xinghai’s beck and call.
From now on, Ruan Chen would be the one delivering himself straight to his door.
Naturally, Mu Xinghai agreed without hesitation.
“Alright.”
At that moment, he even allowed himself a brief fantasy.
Perhaps the two of them would meet secretly every day.
Or perhaps Ruan Chen would come to find him right after class each afternoon.
Because of that thought, the very next day he even hired a cleaner to thoroughly tidy up the apartment. For the past few days, he had been paying particular attention to keeping the place clean.
And then,
For three consecutive days, Ruan Chen didn’t show up at all.
They didn’t even run into each other once.
Ruan Chen didn’t send him any messages either.
Mu Xinghai began to feel that… this situation seemed somewhat different from what he had imagined.
✦ ✧ ✦
Fleurveil
[Translator]
☕ A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE TRANSLATOR
The translator has been bribed with exactly zero coffees so far. Fix this. 😭
☕ BUY THEM A COFFEE →
✧ (づ｡•ㅅ•｡)づ ☕ ✧
✦ thank you for reading ✦
← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · Rear WindowChapter 2 · Kahlil Gibran, “I Have Spit My Soul Seven Times”Chapter 3 · His ToyChapter 4 · Star GazingChapter 5 · Just a dreamChapter 6 · ColdChapter 7 · Yearning for LoveChapter 8 · A Good PersonChapter 9 · Such a good boyChapter 10 · Delivered to your doorChapter 11 · Not familiar with itChapter 12 · First loveChapter 13 · Giving giftsChapter 14 · HeartstringsChapter 15 · Chinese New YearChapter 16 · TruthChapter 17 · SeparateChapter 18 · Planting minesChapter 19 · ChoiceChapter 20 · More hereChapter 21 · Could things have gotten any worse?Chapter 22 · Not because you like me?Chapter 23 · Not because you like me?Chapter 24 · It’s a tangled mess, impossible to unravelChapter 25 · The truth has been revealedChapter 26 · Extra: 1Chapter 27 · Extra: 2Chapter 28 · Extra: 3Chapter 29 · Extra: 4Chapter 30 · Extra: 5Chapter 31 · Extra: 6Chapter 32 · Extra: 7