Doing those absurd things with Mu Xinghai felt, to Ruan Chen, like using a great blaze of desire to burn away the tangled chaos in his mind. The flames of passion seemed to fill the hollow spaces that loneliness had gnawed open inside him. Afterward, his state of mind would return to calm and he could once again devote himself efficiently to studying and working.
This was something Ruan Chen had discovered.
Moreover, he had already made an agreement with Mu Xinghai, that from now on he would be the one to go over. That meant he no longer had to worry about Mu Xinghai suddenly showing up unannounced and disrupting the rhythm of his life.
Just as he was thinking this,
He received a call from his adoptive mother.
After offering a few perfunctory words of concern about his life, she quickly moved on to asking about his holiday plans, telling him that when the time came he should help tutor his nephew for free.
Ruan Chen agreed.
He had grown up in a rather complicated environment.
His biological parents had been poor and had three children. He was the middle one. Back then, believing they might never have children of their own, his adoptive parents had bought him from his birth family but by nature he was shy and not particularly lively.
At first his adoptive parents thought he was simply obedient and well behaved. Later, however, they began to feel that he was not affectionate enough and then, only half a year after he arrived, before they had truly grown attached to him, his adoptive mother became pregnant.
From that moment on, his position in the family became even more awkward.
When his adoptive mother gave birth to his younger brother, Ruan Chen was four years old.
Three months later, he overheard his adoptive parents discussing the idea of returning him.
Taking care of their biological son was already troublesome enough.
They assumed he was too young to understand. After all, children at that age were still immature.
But he understood.
They wanted to abandon him.
He didn’t cry or make a fuss.
At night he didn’t dare fall asleep, afraid that he might be thrown away while he slept. The last time something like that had happened, he had fallen asleep at home with his biological parents and when he woke up, he had already been sold to his adoptive family.
The next day his adoptive father took him back.
But his biological parents refused to accept the “return.”
The two sides began arguing.
Four year old Ruan Chen shrank into a corner by a small wall. With his back to the noisy quarrel, he stared down at the ground. Every time the adults’ voices rose, he would startle and curl his little feet inward.
He wanted to cry.
But he didn’t dare make a sound.
He was afraid that if he wasn’t obedient, no one would want him at all.
In the end, his adoptive parents took him back again and raised him reluctantly.
From a very young age, Ruan Chen knew he had no real place to belong.
So he studied desperately hard, competing for every scholarship he could possibly obtain, trying not to add any burden to the family. As soon as he began earning money, he sent some home to his parents. A single word of praise from them was enough to make him feel satisfied.
The year he graduated from university, his biological family fell into debt and could not repay it.
They came looking for him.
Ruan Chen silently took on the debt himself, studying while scraping together money bit by bit to repay it. It wasn’t until two years ago that he finally cleared it all.
Because of this, he had never been in a relationship.
He didn’t dare grow close to anyone.
He felt that a girl shouldn’t have to be dragged down by him.
By the time he had finally freed himself of all those burdens, he had already passed the age when people typically fell in love. Many of his classmates the same age had successful careers and happy families.
As for him, it could only be said that he had struggled his way back to the starting line.
Poor, older, with nothing accomplished.
He didn’t possess a bright, humorous, charismatic personality either.
Who would possibly like someone like him?
For now, however, the only thing Ruan Chen wanted was to pass his doctoral defense six months later.
He didn’t want to think about things so far in the future.
If he could graduate smoothly, he would already be satisfied.
Ruan Chen continued his simple routine: dormitory, library, teaching building, three points connected in a line.
While walking around campus, he would sometimes pay attention to whether he might run into Mu Xinghai. Even if he merely saw someone with a vaguely similar silhouette, he would quickly hide and avoid them.
For the time being, he didn’t want to get intimate with Mu Xinghai again.
The last time had been satisfying enough. It could sustain him for quite a while in dispelling his loneliness.
He hadn’t seen Mu Xinghai for several days.
He hadn’t been counting exactly but it felt like it hadn’t been very long.
The night before, he had stayed up late writing his thesis, so he woke up later than usual that morning.
Breakfast in the cafeteria would certainly already be sold out, so Ruan Chen went to the small convenience store near the dormitory building to buy something to eat.
Before he even got close, he spotted Mu Xinghai.
He could always recognize Mu Xinghai at a glance.
He was simply too conspicuous.
Among a group of male students, Mu Xinghai was always the most outstanding one, tall and slender, handsome in appearance, with a clean and confident air about him.
Ruan Chen felt a faint trace of envy.
If he had been a girl, surrounded by so many male classmates, he probably would have chosen to like someone like Mu Xinghai too.
Although privately Mu Xinghai was actually a shameless libertine, perhaps for someone who liked him that wouldn’t even count as a flaw.
In that instant, Ruan Chen felt as if his social anxiety had suddenly flared up.
He wanted to take a detour.
Right there, Mu Xinghai looked over in his direction.
He glanced at him casually yet there was a sharpness hidden in that gaze, something faint but unmistakably directed at him alone. It pinned Ruan Chen to the spot.
Ruan Chen lowered his head, breaking free from that invisible restraint of sight, then turned and ran.
He ducked into a small path through the trees nearby. Before he had gone very far, he heard footsteps behind him.
When he turned to look, sure enough, Mu Xinghai was following.
Mu Xinghai’s expression didn’t look good.
Ruan Chen panicked immediately and ran even faster.
But as he ran, a cold hand suddenly grasped the back of his neck. The chill made him shudder violently and a muffled sound escaped from his nose.
That was it.
Mu Xinghai had caught him.
He was turned around, forced to face Mu Xinghai.
Ruan Chen’s heart was still pounding rapidly, refusing to calm down. If anything, it beat even more violently.
Mu Xinghai said irritably, “Why are you running? Weren’t you the one who told me you’d come find me? And now you run away the moment you see me?”
The truth was, every time Mu Xinghai saw Ruan Chen, he felt irritated but it wasn’t the kind of anger that made him want to hit someone. Rather, it was a restless, itching feeling in his chest that he couldn’t quite scratch away.
Ruan Chen said in a low voice, “You looked scary… I just ran without thinking…”
Did he really look that frightening right now?
Seeing Ruan Chen trembling like that, Mu Xinghai felt a little soft hearted again. At the same time, he couldn’t help feeling annoyed. How old was this guy already and yet he was still so timid? He didn’t seem like a man at all. Those literary types were really troublesome, sensitive and fragile.
That was what he thought.
But when he spoke, his tone softened awkwardly.
“I’m not trying to scare you. I just want to ask you, why did you lie to me?”
Only then did Ruan Chen lift his head, looking at him with confusion.
“When did I lie to you?”
Mu Xinghai said in a sulky tone, “Last time you said you’d be the one coming to find me and what happened? It’s already been seven or eight days and you still haven’t come.”
Seven or eight days already?
Ruan Chen couldn’t quite remember.
He had actually wanted to say, Hasn’t it only been a short while? But after carefully reading the atmosphere, he realized that saying that would only make things worse. After thinking about it, he replied slowly, “I’ve been too busy writing my thesis lately. I was just planning to come find you.”
Ruan Chen could practically see the tense, irritable energy around Mu Xinghai instantly smoothing out.
Mu Xinghai asked, “Today? When today? This afternoon or tonight?”
If it were tonight, wouldn’t that mean staying overnight?
Ruan Chen said, “This afternoon. Do you have any classes?”
If Mu Xinghai had class, that would be perfect. It could be postponed until tomorrow or the day after.
Mu Xinghai frowned slightly. In his mind he thought he could always skip class if necessary.
“It’s fine. Let’s do this afternoon then. What time in the afternoon?”
Ruan Chen replied slowly, “…Around three.”
Mu Xinghai pressed, “Three what exactly?”
Ruan Chen felt his scalp go numb.
“…Around three thirty.”
The time for their secret rendezvous was thus settled.
Ruan Chen asked cautiously, “Can I go now?”
Mu Xinghai pressed his lips together tightly and stared at him without speaking.
He wanted to sleep with Ruan Chen.
But he didn’t want it to be only about sleeping together.
Over the past few days, he had especially missed the time when he and Ruan Chen were just friends, when Ruan Chen would talk to him with bright eyes about his interests and hobbies, when he had taken him hiking to watch the stars.
After their relationship had turned into one of casual physical intimacy, their interactions had instead become monotonous.
Every moment spent with Ruan Chen had once been so interesting.
Unlike now.
Even at their most physically intimate, Mu Xinghai still felt as though he had never truly gotten close to Ruan Chen’s soul.
It was nothing like that kiss they had shared beneath the stars.
Mu Xinghai said, somewhat indirectly, “Actually… you don’t have to pretend you don’t know me at school. We can greet each other normally, like classmates or friends…”
Ruan Chen looked at him in surprise.
“Is that allowed?”
Mu Xinghai felt even more depressed.
“Of course it’s allowed.”
Ruan Chen hesitated.
“Then… then maybe next time.”
After reaching this agreement, the two of them walked slowly along the small path.
Ruan Chen very much wanted to suggest that they walk separately but he felt too embarrassed to say it aloud. When they reached the main road, sunlight fell beneath their feet yet it did nothing to disperse the heavy gloom hanging over him.
A boy in sportswear came jogging toward them.
“Senior Brother Ruan!”
It was Lin Mu.
Ruan Chen’s social anxiety flared up for the second time that day. He forced himself to respond.
“Hello.”
Lin Mu looked at him, then at Mu Xinghai.
The atmosphere felt subtly strange.
Lin Mu smiled slightly. He looked at Mu Xinghai yet directed his question to Ruan Chen.
“Senior Brother Ruan, why are you with Mu Xinghai? Are you two close?”
There was a faintly strange tone in his voice, something slightly sarcastic. Ruan Chen could sense it, it felt like a probing question filled with ambiguous implications.
Fear immediately rose in his chest.
He quickly shook his head, distancing himself as if trying to avoid a contagious illness.
“Not close. Not close at all.”
✦ ✧ ✦
Fleurveil
[Translator]
☕ A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE TRANSLATOR
✧ Your mission, should you choose to accept it: FEED THE TRANSLATOR. ✧
☕ BUY THEM A COFFEE →
✧ (づ｡•ㅅ•｡)づ ☕ ✧
✦ thank you for reading ✦
← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · Rear WindowChapter 2 · Kahlil Gibran, “I Have Spit My Soul Seven Times”Chapter 3 · His ToyChapter 4 · Star GazingChapter 5 · Just a dreamChapter 6 · ColdChapter 7 · Yearning for LoveChapter 8 · A Good PersonChapter 9 · Such a good boyChapter 10 · Delivered to your doorChapter 11 · Not familiar with itChapter 12 · First loveChapter 13 · Giving giftsChapter 14 · HeartstringsChapter 15 · Chinese New YearChapter 16 · TruthChapter 17 · SeparateChapter 18 · Planting minesChapter 19 · ChoiceChapter 20 · More hereChapter 21 · Could things have gotten any worse?Chapter 22 · Not because you like me?Chapter 23 · Not because you like me?Chapter 24 · It’s a tangled mess, impossible to unravelChapter 25 · The truth has been revealedChapter 26 · Extra: 1Chapter 27 · Extra: 2Chapter 28 · Extra: 3Chapter 29 · Extra: 4Chapter 30 · Extra: 5Chapter 31 · Extra: 6Chapter 32 · Extra: 7