If it were Mu Xinghai ten years from now saying those words, Ruan Chen would have followed him without hesitation. If it were five years from now, Ruan Chen might have been so moved that his eyes would well up with tears.
But right now, the Mu Xinghai speaking those words, “I’ll take you with me”, was twenty one years old.
The same sentence carried a different weight, a different effect, depending on the person who spoke it. To Ruan Chen, there was no joy, no surge of emotion. He only found it… laughable.
Honestly, even he felt a shiver of fear at the cold bloodedness of his own reaction.
He didn’t mock Mu Xinghai either. After all, he himself had been twenty once; he knew how impulsive and emotionally driven men at that age could be. To laugh too hard at Mu Xinghai would be to mock the boy he had once been, the younger self who had been reckless, full of feeling and yet inexperienced.
So.
Ruan Chen responded with a brief silence, long enough to convey everything without a word. Then, decisively, he said, “If you were thirty and said that to me now… I probably would have gone with you.”
He had, by now, roughly figured out Mu Xinghai’s temperament: stubborn like a mule but predictable if handled carefully. He tried to soften his tone. “Xiao Mu, calm down.”
“You have your future, I have my studies. I don’t want to hold you back and I won’t change my life for you. We’ve had a beautiful time together, just that short, fleeting period and that’s enough for me.”
He pushed against the rigid Mu Xinghai, stepping back, merging into the shadows. “You should go home. I’ll go back too.”
He drew in a deep breath. It was a strange, biting sensation, as if he had inhaled a handful of tiny, sharp ice shards, cutting from his throat down to his core. He raised his eyes to look at Mu Xinghai’s gaze. That single moment stretched endlessly, the light in those eyes pouring over him like icy water on glowing embers.
He thought for a moment, then looked down, pulling out his wallet. “How much did the medical fees cost?”
Mu Xinghai laughed in exasperation. “You, a pauper and you want to give me… a breakup fee?”
The word “pauper” pricked sharply at Ruan Chen. His hand froze for a moment. Then he emptied all the bills in his wallet, regardless of denomination, probably a little over a thousand yuan and forced them into Mu Xinghai’s hands. “This is all I have. Take it. If you don’t want it, just throw it away.”
And Mu Xinghai did exactly that. He tossed the money onto the ground, letting it scatter and dirty with mud.
Ruan Chen stared down at the bills for a few seconds, motionless, neither picking them up nor looking back. Then he turned and walked away in silence.
Mu Xinghai watched the figure retreat, growing smaller with each step. He felt that this grown man, the one he had been in a relationship with, had quietly changed so much during their time together and yet today, he had somehow reverted.
Ruan Chen’s slight hunch, withdrawn posture and modest, worn clothes projected an almost austere, solitary independence. He walked neither fast nor slow, as if his very being existed slightly apart from the world.
When Ruan Chen finally rounded the corner, Mu Xinghai sensed, vaguely but unmistakably, that the world he had once forced his way into, the world of Ruan Chen, had shut him out completely.
It was over.
Everything was over.
Mu Xinghai crouched down and picked up the money off the ground, piece by piece, wiping off the mud.
He muttered softly to himself: “Stupid bastard.”
It was chaos.
He had exhausted every strategy, poured all his effort into this and yet Ruan Chen still wanted to break up with him. What had the fight with Lin Mu meant, then? What had it been for?
Damn it, Lin Mu had said he would go to the school forum to help him come out and he had even threatened, “I don’t care.”
If Ruan Chen had been his boyfriend, fine, being outed would have been one thing and he would have accepted it, shamelessly, thick skinned as he was but now? He had been outed for nothing and on top of that… still ended up losing a boyfriend.
Mu Xinghai didn’t know where to go.
He bought a pack of Yuxi cigarettes from a 24 hour convenience store and sat by the roadside, lighting one after another. Once the cigarettes were finished, he wandered into a nearby internet café, booted up a computer and drowned himself in games.
Even with one hand still bandaged, he persevered, unyielding. The other gamers sitting beside him couldn’t help but give him a thumbs up, impressed: “Respect, man. You’re hardcore.”
But Mu Xinghai himself didn’t know what he was doing.
He was just avoiding, avoiding everything for now, thinking he would deal with it when the end came.
Even if he had been outed, what did it matter? In these days, being gay wasn’t anything shocking.
And besides, he was leaving the country soon. Once he went abroad, who cared if the world back home was in turmoil?
So Mu Xinghai settled into a numbing routine. He set his messaging apps to “Do Not Disturb,” shut off his phone and spent his time in the anonymous café, smoking, gaming, ordering takeout when hungry, lying on the sofa to nap when tired. A haze of monotony, a way to numb himself.
Gradually, he tried to convince himself, it wasn’t that big a deal.
Ruan Chen… someone like him. Was he really worth lingering on? Maybe a year, maybe two… no, two or three years at most and Mu Xinghai was certain he could completely forget him.
Thinking carefully, he realized Ruan Chen had never explicitly said he liked him.
There had been only one moment, a single, fleeting declaration. They had been on a mountain, watching the sea of clouds. Ruan Chen had smiled and said quietly, “I wish this moment could last forever.”
Now, with a dull ache and a heavy fog pressing in on his head, Mu Xinghai began to doubt himself: Did Ruan Chen ever really like me?
He should have liked him, right? No, no, it must have been Ruan Chen who liked him first. Otherwise, why would he always peek at him with embarrassed, burning eyes? Why would he blush every time he spoke to him, avoiding eye contact entirely? He was just so heartbreak stricken now, that even this, he questioned.
It hadn’t even been too long.
Mu Xinghai disappeared from the world for only two days. Then he turned his phone back on. He worried that if his parents couldn’t reach him, they might call the police.
The moment he powered it up, an endless stream of messages poured in.
All from friends.
Every day, he had lived a life full of social interactions, talking to so many people, always keeping in touch, always knowing what was happening.
Mu Xinghai’s mood was heavy. He wondered, perhaps someone had already asked Ruan Chen about him coming out.
If Ruan Chen denied it, then fine, he would follow Ruan Chen’s lead and deny it too.
But what if Ruan Chen admitted it? A tiny voice deep in his chest rebelled, unwilling to accept that possibility.
Mu Xinghai muttered under his breath, “You’re such an idiot.”
And he truly was. He thought, if there were even a one in ten thousand chance that Ruan Chen was forced to admit it, then fine, he would admit it too.
He took a steadying breath.
Opening WeChat, the first messages to pop up were all like this:
【Whoa, bro, your ex girlfriend just went viral!】
【Senpai, actually Jiang Tingting told us behind the scenes that you cheated…】
【[Forward] Trending topic on X website】
【Where are you?? Bro, don’t do anything stupid!】
Mu Xinghai: “”
He had already been awake for nearly three days straight. His mind was fogged, rigid, unable to process. At first, he couldn’t even understand what had happened. One by one, he clicked through the messages and only then did it begin to make sense.
It was about Jiang Tingting.
But what surprised him was that he had always assumed Jiang Tingting’s affair had been with a fellow student. This time, however, the exposé revealed that the other party was Jiang Tingting’s mentor.
Mu Xinghai felt numb in his chest, utterly detached. He didn’t feel anger at all, it was as if it had nothing to do with him.
A friend messaged: 【Bro, you’re pathetic.】
Mu Xinghai sneered inwardly. Pathetic? That’s nothing. Wait until Lin Mu exposes that I’m gay, that’s when it’ll get really interesting. Besides, I’ve already been dumped by Ruan Chen. Now that’s truly pathetic.
Mu Xinghai decided to embrace the chaos. It couldn’t get any worse than this.
He even found himself speaking fairly on Jiang Tingting’s behalf:
【Sure, she cheated but she doesn’t deserve all this. Why are people so gleeful about her misfortune? What is this, some kind of witch trial?】
【She didn’t hurt any of you uninvolved parties, did she?】
【And Song laoshi’s article is entirely self serving. Can you guarantee he’s telling the truth?】
【He makes it seem like he’s some kind of hopeless romantic and it’s all Jiang Tingting’s fault. Seriously? He’s a man in his thirties, she’s a twenty year old student. He’s not some naive, clueless fool.】
His defense of her, however, backfired. His words were interpreted as proof that Jiang Tingting was capable of “bewitching men.” Look at that, her ex boyfriend still stands up for her after being cheated on. What unwavering devotion! And they even said he almost funded her plans to study abroad, almost becoming a fool for her.
Mu Xinghai reflected honestly: if he had truly loved Jiang Tingting, he could never have been this calm, this composed.
Their relationship had never been that of passionate lovers. In reality, they were more like close friends, friends who understood each other, conversed easily but without any deep emotional attachment. There was no care entangling them, no involuntary emotions binding them.
Right now, he only wanted to fight back verbally yet still found himself defending Jiang Tingting. After all, he had started seeing Ruan Chen before completely severing ties with her. In his eyes, they were at the same moral level, so he had no right to morally criticize her.
Then, Song laoshi posted even more evidence of Jiang Tingting juggling multiple men, listing four or five, including Mu Xinghai himself, each playing their part. Mu Xinghai didn’t bother counting the exact number; he only noticed that Ruan Chen was listed last, the penniless senior who wrote papers for Jiang Tingting.
Even at this moment, Ruan Chen remained inconspicuous, mentioned only in passing.
Raun Chen defended Jiang Tingting!
Seeing Ruan Chen respond so obsequiously on Jiang Tingting’s behalf was like being stripped naked and thrown into an icy sea. His sleep deprived, foggy mind was instantly awakened.
His bloodshot eyes flared with rage.
Damn it, damn it, Ruan Chen have never been so submissive, so obedient to him!
Could things get any worse? No, he realized he had underestimated life.
Screw it, he wasn’t going to wait or hesitate anymore. Right now, he was going to find Ruan Chen and get an answer, once and for all.
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[Translator]
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ChaptersChapter 1 · Rear WindowChapter 2 · Kahlil Gibran, “I Have Spit My Soul Seven Times”Chapter 3 · His ToyChapter 4 · Star GazingChapter 5 · Just a dreamChapter 6 · ColdChapter 7 · Yearning for LoveChapter 8 · A Good PersonChapter 9 · Such a good boyChapter 10 · Delivered to your doorChapter 11 · Not familiar with itChapter 12 · First loveChapter 13 · Giving giftsChapter 14 · HeartstringsChapter 15 · Chinese New YearChapter 16 · TruthChapter 17 · SeparateChapter 18 · Planting minesChapter 19 · ChoiceChapter 20 · More hereChapter 21 · Could things have gotten any worse?Chapter 22 · Not because you like me?Chapter 23 · Not because you like me?Chapter 24 · It’s a tangled mess, impossible to unravelChapter 25 · The truth has been revealedChapter 26 · Extra: 1Chapter 27 · Extra: 2Chapter 28 · Extra: 3Chapter 29 · Extra: 4Chapter 30 · Extra: 5Chapter 31 · Extra: 6Chapter 32 · Extra: 7