“Say my name.”
Park Sion kissed me as he spoke. His voice, now stripped of anxiety, was cool and deep like the night air.
“Park Sion.”
“No, drop the last name. Just my name.”
“Sion-ah.”
“Keep saying it. Over and over.”
“Sion-ah, Sion-ah...”
While sucking on my lips, Park Sion kept begging me to say his name. The name I whispered dissolved again and again inside the desperate mouth that was pulling at my tongue. Sion, Sion, Sion. I called his name over and over.
A soft cushion pressed against my back. At some point, Park Sion had laid me down on the sofa. The weight of his body on top of mine gave me a strange sense of security. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer.
The tongue that had been swimming in my mouth for some time drifted past my cheek and reached my neck. Park Sion gently bit down, then sucked on the skin hard. Hot breaths scattered across my bare flesh.
“Haah, you have no idea how much I’m holding back right now.”
His thick voice reached my ears. A dull ache spread across my neck where he sucked. Gasping like a man parched, Park Sion shoved his tongue violently back into my mouth. His lips, just like the way he stared at me, relentlessly pulled at my tongue, invading me deeply.
“I like you. I really like you, Yoon Seonwoo.”
“Haah... me too... I like you too.”
“Can I trust you?”
Yeah, you can trust me. I caressed his pale cheek as I answered. A faint bliss passed through the gray haze in his eyes. His face softened again as he leaned in to kiss me.
The swirl of confusion in my heart was swept away by that softness. Suddenly, a nameless unease crept in. I sealed away the questions I couldn’t untangle, and closed my eyes. Park Sion pressed a warm kiss to my eyelids.
***
So then, misfortune always arrives at the most unexpected moments. Like a sudden traffic accident, or falling in love at first sight.
Strangely, I tend to sense misfortune before it happens. That was the case when I got the news about Dad’s accident. Or when Mom confessed.
But when I think about it now, the signs had been there all along. I just noticed too late.
Before he died, Dad sighed a lot more than usual. He seemed unable to sleep, pacing the dark living room late at night. I remember waking up at intervals to the sound of his sighs.
Same with Mom.
Back then, she’d often gaze blankly at me, then smile bitterly. She once took my hand and said she didn’t want to lie to me—that she wanted to be honest about her feelings. Only then did I realize how much sorrow that smile had always held.
From the moment I was born, Mom was just “Mom,” and Dad was just “Dad.” Even though I knew in my head they were people just like me, it never really sank in. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to accept that they, too, had desires, made mistakes, and chose selfishly at times.
Mom staked everything on a fleeting love she likened to wind. But I think it was less like a passing breeze and more like an accident. A disaster that suddenly crashes down from behind. That’s why I don’t want to condemn her choice. There are already too many others doing that.
To borrow Sartre’s words, life is C between B and D. Between Birth and Death, we encounter countless choices. Those choices are what make up the substance of life. The sad truth is, life only happens once. What we choose, we can’t undo. Choosing one thing means losing another.
Maybe that’s why Mom looked at me with such a pained expression.
I don’t think she abandoned me. She simply chose a new love, and in doing so, she lost us. That’s all. And that means any happiness or regret that follows from that choice—she can no longer share it with us.
So if someone asked me whether I resented my mother, I’d say no. If they asked whether I understood her, I’d say I don’t have the right to judge. But if they asked whether I still loved her... that one, I wouldn’t be able to answer so easily.
That’s why I left all the emotion in her smile untouched. Without judging or trying to understand. That was my choice. And the sorrow that comes with it—we each have to carry that on our own.
The reason I’m bringing up all this old stuff is because, the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I felt terrible. No reason. Just anxious and heavy inside. Days like this always go badly. Just like the days when my parents’ love abandoned me.
Now that I think about it, it’s been a while since I spent the weekend alone. I’d always been with Park Sion on the weekends, so I never had time to feel lonely. Maybe this sense of unease is because he’s not here.
I opened my phone and scrolled through our old chats. I missed Park Sion like crazy, even though he was dragged to that family event he didn’t want to attend.
[I miss you.]
Just those four neatly arranged words couldn’t possibly contain everything I felt. Still, I pressed send without hesitation. Because unless you say it, it won’t reach them.
Not long after, my phone buzzed. Just seeing his name on the screen sent a tremor through me. My heart pulsed with the vibration of the call.
– I miss you too.
The moment I held the phone to my ear, I heard Park Sion’s voice. Laughter slipped out of me like air.
“When are you coming back? You’ll be home tonight, right?”
– Yeah. I’ll come to your place as soon as I get to Seoul.
“Don’t bother. Take it easy.”
– I don’t mind.
“Don’t show up with your face busted again. Just see me at school tomorrow.”
– No. I’m coming.
“……”
**– If I do get beat up again, you’ll patch me up.”
Stubborn as always. Before I could scold him, Park Sion spoke again.
– It’s the weekend. What are you doing today?
“Mm. I was thinking of going to a PC bang later.”
There was a pause on the other end. Then a deep sigh. Even without words, I could guess what he was worrying about.
“I’m going alone.”
– …Really?
“You think I’m lying? I’m not going with Kim Youngjin. Don’t worry.”
I could imagine the exact expression on his face, even without seeing him. Then his slightly sulky voice came through the receiver.
– Do you like games that much?
“They’re fun.”
**– More than me?”
“You and games are in different categories.”
**– What’s different?”
“Games are just a hobby. You’re…”
I trailed off, not finding the right word. Or rather, I did think of the word, but saying it aloud made my skin crawl.
– Can’t you just not go?
“I’ll only play a few rounds. Being home alone feels depressing.”
– You feel down?
“Just… it feels empty without you.”
Park Sion chuckled quietly at my honest answer.
**– Okay. Just play a little and wait quietly for me.”
“Yes, yes.”
**– And study a bit too.”
“Ugh, nerd. You sound like a model student.”
I grumbled, but the nagging wasn’t unwelcome. Actually, it was kind of nice. Then his gentle voice returned.
**– Next time, go with me.”
“Where? The PC bang? You hate games.”
**– But you like them. So I’ll try to like them too.”
“Wow, who are you and what have you done with Park Sion?”
**– Just stick close and teach me. Don’t get all distracted like last time.”
I pictured him frowning at the monitor and burst into laughter. Can he even keep up? I just hoped he wouldn’t get motion sickness again. I fiddled with the edge of my blanket, remembering how he once whined about getting queasy.
“Okay. Next time I won’t get distracted.”
**– Haa, I really miss you.”
“Yeah…”
**– Just hang in there. I’ll be there as soon as I’m done.”
“Okay.”
**– I gotta go now. I’ll call you again later.”
“Mm. Take care.”
**– Keep sending me pics of what you’re doing. Preferably with your face in them.”
“Nope. Hang up already.”
After several rounds of goodbyes, he finally hung up. My cheek was warm from the heat of the phone. I went to the sink and splashed my face with cold water. The chill cleared my head. The restlessness I’d felt since morning finally settled.
After getting ready, I stepped outside. A chill wind brushed past me. Summer was gone—autumn had arrived. The scent of fall rode in on the cool breeze. The sky was a little gray from fine dust, but the smell of dry leaves was enough to feel the season. I felt, suddenly, the passage of time.
I headed to a PC bang on the opposite side of town from the one I used to visit with Kim Youngjin. Running into him now would be awkward. Even if I did, what could I say? I couldn’t exactly blurt out, Do you like me?
Somehow, I kept wondering if this whole thing was just Shin Jaeyoung’s prank. No matter how I thought about it, the idea that Kim Youngjin liked me didn’t make any sense. Since it was Shin Jaeyoung who’d told Park Sion that, wouldn’t the answer come out if I roughed him up a little at school? Until then, all I could do was keep my mouth shut and wait. I didn’t want to make Park Sion anxious for no reason.
The PC bang I hadn’t visited in a while seemed to have been recently remodeled. It used to have the shabbiest setup in the neighborhood, so there were never many people, but now the seats were packed with players using high-end gaming monitors.
I sat in an empty spot and logged into my member account. I still had some credit left over from before. It felt like I’d found free money. The small joy made me feel unexpectedly good.
As soon as I logged into the game, I queued for a quick match. I wanted to warm up before diving into ranked.
I was having fun when I heard a commotion behind me. I figured it was just some local punks and ignored it. Before long, I could sense a large presence settling into the seat next to mine. Someone’s gaze kept flicking between my monitor and my face.
Sometimes, guys start mouthing off when they find out my rank. Maybe he was one of those types. I kept my eyes locked on the screen, afraid he’d pick a fight.
And then—
A massive hand yanked off my headset.
“Long time no see, Yoon Seonwoo.”
The hand I had on the mouse froze. Instinctively, I turned my head—and there he was. The human garbage I never wanted to face again, sitting right beside me.
“I kept calling you from next to you and you just ignored me. What’s got you so focused?”
My eyes darted around.
Just Kim Shinju. No lackeys. In my hands: a mouse and a keyboard. The mouse was too small—useless as a weapon. If I bashed his head with the keyboard, could I run? There was one part-timer at the counter. If a scene had to be made, it had to be made here. If that bastard touched me, I’d scream my lungs out. Then at least the part-timer would do something.
“I said it’s been a while. Aren’t you going to say hi?”
“……”
“This fucker’s ignoring people again.”
Kim Shinju tapped my head with his fingers, mockingly. My head naturally jerked away. I slapped his giant hand away from my face.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Oh? Look at this.”
“What the fuck do you want this time.”
“Don’t get all worked up, I just said hi ‘cause it’s been a while.”
What a load of shit. He knows damn well we’re not on greeting terms. I gritted my teeth and glared at him.
“Your face looks a lot better than I remember.”
With narrowed eyes, Kim Shinju gave me a once-over like he was appraising a product. Goosebumps rippled over my skin wherever his gaze passed. Cold sweat gathered in my palms. I should’ve listened to Park Sion. I should’ve just stayed home and waited for him. A wave of belated regret crashed over me.
“But hey, what’s this?”
Kim Shinju furrowed his brow and tugged at my t-shirt. His clammy fingers tapped along my neck. My shock only lasted a second—I jolted violently and shoved his hand off me. He just looked confused. Then he grabbed both armrests of my chair and pulled me toward him. When I tried to stand up, he grabbed my arm.
“Fuck, this was Park Sion, wasn’t it.”
I looked down to where his finger was pointing. I couldn’t see it. But all at once, I remembered Park Sion sucking all over my neck and collarbone. Shit. When I checked in the mirror earlier, I hadn’t seen anything. I quickly raised my hand to cover my neck, and Kim Shinju snorted like he couldn’t believe it.
“Hey, hey, move your hand.”
“Fuck off. Don’t touch me.”
“I said, this was Park Sion, wasn’t it?”
Like someone having a seizure, I shoved Kim Shinju away—then froze. I stared at him, confused.
How the fuck did this guy know that Park Sion had left marks on my neck? Did he know Park Sion too? Youngjin said this asshole was his friend… Was he close with Park Sion as well? But Park Sion had told me clearly that he didn’t know Kim Shinju.
The day Park Sion said he wanted to get closer to me, he also said he had no connection whatsoever to Kim Shinju. That they just knew each other because Youngjin and Kim Shinju went to the same cram school. That he wasn’t personally involved.
So was that just a casual acquaintance, not actual familiarity? When he said he didn’t know him, was it just a vague expression?
Kim Shinju stared at me, blank-eyed as I stood there stunned. His fingers kept grazing my neck.
“Weird. Shin Jaeyoung said he won.”
Right. This fucker definitely knows Shin Jaeyoung. That’s why he was at Jaeyoung’s birthday party too. Park Sion must’ve only known him in passing.
“Maybe that bastard Shin Jaeyoung was full of shit. Hey, Yoon Seonwoo. I’m asking you—who the hell did this to you?”
I fought not to listen. Fought to fill the holes in his obvious bullshit with forced logic. At the same time, I shoved every fact I didn’t want to face into the furthest corner of my mind. Alarms were blaring in my head. My reason was screaming at me to question Kim Shinju, to dig into the inconsistencies in what he’d said.
“Hey, Yoon Seonwoo. What’s with you?”
“I’m leaving. I’ve gotta go.”
I had to get out of here. I didn’t give a damn what Kim Shinju said. Not one word that came out of that bastard’s mouth could be trusted. All that stuff about Shin Jaeyoung winning, about Park Sion—those were just taunts to mess with me.
Anything that comes out of trash is trash. It can’t be the truth. Don’t doubt. Doubt breeds more doubt and muddies even the clearest truth.
I shook off Kim Shinju’s arm and bolted out of the PC bang. My vision swam. My thoughts scattered in every direction like shattered glass. I just had to get home. I stabbed the elevator button with my finger.
Ding.
The elevator doors opened. But as I stepped forward, my feet froze.
“…The watch.”
Out of the mess of my thoughts, one word landed like a bolt of lightning. A single ray of light broke through the chaos in my mind. That blinding beam of reason turned into a blade and stabbed through my pitiful self-delusions.
“Right. The watch.”
The watch that gleamed on Shin Jaeyoung’s wrist. The one Park Sion had casually tossed to him as a birthday present. Shin Jaeyoung’s dubious reaction. And the words he’d said—
“Come on. I’ve always been on your side.”
Shin Jaeyoung and the watch. Allies and enemies. Friend or foe. Clarity and stupidity.
“You know what guys like you—fast thinkers but narrow-sighted—are like? You only see what you want.”
Shin Jaeyoung and the watch. Allies and enemies. Clarity and stupidity. Shin Jaeyoung’s victory.
“Weird. Shin Jaeyoung said he won.”
Shin Jaeyoung and the watch. Allies and enemies. Clarity and stupidity. Shin Jaeyoung’s victory. Kim Youngjin’s strange behavior.
“If anything happens, just bite his ear off and make him a eunuch.”
Shin Jaeyoung and the watch. Allies and enemies. Clarity and stupidity. Shin Jaeyoung’s victory. Kim Youngjin’s self-defense advice. And…
“Don’t trust Park Sion. That bastard’s a fucking piece of shit.”
“Park Sion.”
A puzzle piece landed in my hand. If I fit it into the empty space, the blurry, ambiguous picture would finally come into view. I suddenly remembered Park Sion’s face, backlit by the sunset as he looked at me. Would that memory remain a breathtaking view—or become a monument to despair?
The elevator doors closed. I hit the button again.
[Doors opening.]
If I walk through this door and go home, I’ll wait for Park Sion. When he shows up late at night, I’ll throw my arms around him. And I’ll tell him everything that happened today. He’ll get anxious, his pupils shaking. I won’t be able to turn away from that beautiful face burying into my chest. I’ll want to believe every sweet word from those lips. I’ll let myself be seduced by you. Until a thick fog settles over my doubts.
When that fog settles thick, like you promised me today, we’ll go to the PC bang together. You’ll lean on me, saying you’re carsick, and I’ll tease you, and we’ll laugh. All I have to do is get in this elevator, and I can dream of that tomorrow.
[Doors closing.]
But… is that really enough? Is that really the right thing for me?
“I think I really like you.”
Doubt blanketed in fog will one day grow mold. That mold will creep even into Park Sion’s most heartfelt confessions. My first fever will rot with a musty stench. And that would be unforgivable—for both of us. Suddenly, I knew I couldn’t let that happen.
[Going down.]