I didn’t stop the descending elevator. Instead, trembling with fear and anxiety, I turned around. My hand opened the door to the PC bang. I turned my head to look for Kim Shinju. In the distance, I spotted him standing in the smoking booth, smoking a cigarette.
I had no intention of believing everything he said. Kim Shinju wasn’t someone worthy of trust. I just wanted to confirm it for myself. What exactly I’d missed—what Shin Jaeyoung and Park Sion were hiding, what Kim Youngjin couldn’t bring himself to say—I’d see and hear it all with my own eyes and ears.
My love, paved blindly by obsession, turned a corner. There, a Pandora’s box I hadn’t dared open lay waiting. The fragments of memory I had never realized were sharpening themselves to stab me. I shivered, suddenly afraid of the misfortune to come. Somehow, I’d had a bad feeling since this morning. My eyes turned red almost immediately.
But I couldn’t cry here. I had to open this door and check everything, all the way to the bottom of that box. For the me who liked you, and for…
“I like you. I really like you, Yoon Seonwoo.”
For the sincerity in your voice when you said you liked me.
“What did you mean by ‘Shin Jaeyoung won’?”
Kim Shinju looked bewildered when I suddenly appeared in front of him. Then his thin, split lips exhaled a cloud of pale smoke into my face. The acrid smell stung my nose.
“Weren’t you the one who ran off like hell? Why’d you come back?”
“Just answer the question. What did Shin Jaeyoung win?”
“Why do you wanna know?”
“Because I’m curious.”
“Why are you curious?”
“Because I think it involves me.”
Kim Youngjin had randomly taught me self-defense. Kim Shinju saw the marks on my neck and immediately guessed it was Park Sion. Then he asked, wasn’t it Shin Jaeyoung who won? That meant Shin Jaeyoung had won some sort of strange, unclear game. And the trophy of that win was probably the watch Park Sion tossed him.
Which would mean I’m involved in whatever incident went down between Park Sion and Shin Jaeyoung. And probably, my role in it is just like that watch on Jaeyoung’s wrist. I’m Park Sion’s trophy.
“Hmm, if I say anything, I might get in trouble.”
“You’ve said most of it already. You scared?”
“Puhaha, as if.”
With the cigarette still in his mouth, Kim Shinju raised one corner of his lips. I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible. There was a cruel anticipation in his eyes.
“It’ll probably hurt your pride. You sure you’re okay with that?”
“You already crushed my pride a long time ago. I’ve got a pretty good idea. I just need you to confirm it.”
“So what is it that you’re curious about—whether they were messing with you or not, or what it was all about?”
“Both. As detailed and specific as possible. Just say it plainly, no embellishments.”
I already had a rough idea of what was about to come out of his mouth. I clenched my teeth at Kim Shinju’s smug attitude. He lazily tapped his cigarette against the ashtray.
“To be honest, it’s nothing much. Park Sion and them just made a bet on whether or not he could fuck you.”
But the words that came out of Kim Shinju’s mouth went far beyond anything I’d expected. I felt like the blood drained from my entire body.
“…Fuck me?”
“Yeah.”
“……”
“What, are you hurt?”
Kim Shinju looked at my pale face and let out a dry chuckle. Then he patted me on the shoulder like he was comforting me. That touch only made me feel even more pathetic.
“So Park Sion wanted to fuck me…”
So that’s why someone like him came up to someone like me. When I asked why he wanted to get close, Park Sion had just said, “Just because.” I had assigned all kinds of meaning to that phrase. I thought, maybe vaguely, that he felt some kind of human affection for me. That was the only conclusion I could bring myself to draw back then.
But just like you said—it really was “just because.” You just wanted to fuck me. That’s all it was. Waves kept crashing over the seawall I’d worked so hard to build.
Only now did the meaning of Shin Jaeyoung’s cryptic words finally take shape.
“Fear arrogance more than stupidity.”
I interpreted Park Sion however I pleased, adding my own convenient meanings. And stupidly, I believed I understood his true nature.
I was convinced that the version of Park Sion I understood was the real one. I deluded myself into thinking I could see the parts of him no one else could. I thought I was someone special to him.
Just like Shin Jaeyoung said, I was narrow-minded and arrogant. What I should’ve been wary of wasn’t the me who got stupidly dragged around by Park Sion—but the me who rashly assumed I was an exception to him. The arrogant never realize they’re being stupid. That’s why Jaeyoung’s warning wasn’t wrong.
The Park Sion I saw, the one I understood, the one I thought I could love—was nothing more than a mirage I built myself. You were just the projection of my own wishful thinking.
Then who’s the real you?
“How do you know Park Sion?”
At my question, Kim Shinju chuckled like he was amused. White ashes fluttered to the ground with each shake of his shoulders. Then he flicked the cigarette from his hand. Tilting his head, Kim Shinju stepped closer to me. He put both palms on his knees and stared at me slowly, deliberately, like he was savoring something.
“You seriously don’t remember Park Sion?”
“What?”
“You’ve seen Park Sion before.”
My thoughts froze, like someone had pressed an ice pack to my skull. I expected him to say they were just friends. But it felt like I’d been struck in the back of the head. Numb and hollow.
“The day I beat the shit out of you for the first time—he was there.”
A hazy memory tried to surface, only to vanish again. No matter how hard I searched my memory, I couldn’t recall Park Sion’s face. I tried again to remember the day I first met Kim Shinju.
Back then, I’d been dragged along by some of his gang to someone’s apartment. I don’t even remember whose place it was. Probably one of Kim Shinju’s flunkies.
That’s where I first met Kim Shinju. He claimed we’d seen each other around school, but I had no memory of his face.
“Still don’t remember?”
That room, too, had been filled with thick, stinging smoke. There, Kim Shinju had suddenly grabbed my chin and beat me senseless. My vision had shaken so violently from him yanking my hair that I couldn’t clearly see who else was in the room. All I remembered from that day was the humiliation. The pain. And Park Sion was there too?
“…Why was Park Sion there?”
“Why do you think? He’s my friend.”
“You’re friends?”
“Well, more like classmates. We went to the same middle school.”
You were there. In that room where I was kicked, had my hair yanked, and was mocked. Among the bastards who watched and laughed while I was in pain—one of them was you. I felt my blood run cold.
“…Are you crying?”
A single tear slid down my dry cheek.
Kim Shinju bared his teeth in a wide grin. Watching my pale expression, he looked absolutely delighted. A sharp, crushing pain filled my chest. It felt like someone was stomping on my heart. Every syllable from Kim Shinju’s mouth stabbed into me like a knife.
Then Kim Shinju’s hand suddenly brushed my cheek. As I stood frozen, his eyes glinted like he was about to share a juicy secret.
“That day, Park Sion said something absolutely fucking nuts about you. That guy’s a total lunatic. Grade-A pervert.”
His hand finally left my cheek. Ssshhk. The sound of a cigarette lighting. Kim Shinju winced, squinting one eye as he took a deep drag. I tried to steady my weakening legs. His disgusting smile was fixed on me.
“What did he say?”
“Hmm, what was it again… Should I tell you or not?”
Kim Shinju licked his lips and grabbed my chin. I didn’t push him away. I was scared of what I might hear—but I had no intention of plugging my ears. His mouth opened slowly. That instant felt like an eternity.
“He said, ‘I can’t fuck a guy in the ass, but I’d shove it in his mouth at least once.’”
His voice oozed with a blatant intent to humiliate.
“Park Sion looked at your face and said it was the kind of face he wanted to fuck until it cried. Said it’d be hot as hell, all covered in tears and cum.”
“……”
“Puhaha, isn’t that fucking nuts?”
Kim Shinju’s eyes gleamed with malice as he revealed Park Sion’s past. Every word he spat beat me down. I had the sudden urge to cut my ears off. To wash them clean in water and dry them in the sun. Because every word that came out of Kim Shinju’s mouth felt filthy. The meanings behind them were utterly revolting.
And yet—I still couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t imagine Park Sion saying those vile, vulgar words. That bastard? With those pretty lips? In that gentle voice?
Park Sion’s face, bathed in sunset in my memory, distorted in my mind. Overlaid atop it was the image of the bastard who’d mercilessly trampled Kim Youngjin.
I covered my face with trembling hands. The sensation of Park Sion cupping my face still lingered vividly. That hand had gently stroked the tears sliding down my cheeks. But the hand that followed the path of my sadness had been an illusion.
“I always wanted to see you cry at least once. I thought you’d be beautiful.”
Only now could I finally understand the behavior of the bastard who’d been obsessed with seeing me cry. It hadn’t been an expression of empathy for my pain.
“Can I kiss you?”
He’d just been in heat for me. Like this disgusting Kim Shinju standing in front of me.
As I stood dazed, Kim Shinju placed his arm around my shoulder.
“No matter how I look at it, that bastard’s way above me. Hey, Yoon Seonwoo. Honestly, I’m not even that bad, right? My feelings were kinda pure, in their own way.”
Kim Shinju winked as if appealing to his so-called purity, then placed a hand over his chest and made a heartbroken expression.
The exaggerated gesture was mockery aimed at me. But absurdly, that blatant mockery felt more honest. At least this bastard wasn’t pretending to be sincere while trying to deceive me.
I felt dazed. I could hear something collapsing by my ear. I barely managed to suppress the moan that burst from between my teeth. Seeing me trembling, Kim Shinju reached out and tapped my cheek with his finger. My lips quivered.
“Want me to tell you something even more fun?”
“…There’s more fun stuff left?”
“Just listen. This one might actually comfort you. It’s about how Park Sion made a total ass of himself because of you.”
Kim Shinju slung his arm over my shoulder like an old friend.
“I ran into Shin Jaeyoung for a bit earlier today, and what he said totally gave me chills. Apparently that bastard tried all kinds of shit to get close to you. A few days ago, he suddenly showed up and asked Jaeyoung to punch him in the face. Said it was to comfort you or some shit. What, trying to fish for pity?”
“……”
“So did you get fucked?”
“……”
“Jaeyoung’s the one who won, right? I’m dying to know.”
A scorching gaze stabbed the back of my neck. That one stare turned me into nothing more than a slab of meat. Judging me, measuring me, stripping me of dignity—those hellish eyes. I couldn’t stand that gaze. And the realization that I’d been looked at the same way by both Park Sion and Shin Jaeyoung until now filled me with unbearable shame. I felt a humiliation so overwhelming that even standing naked in a public square might’ve felt less disgraceful than this.
With trembling lips, I finally managed to speak.
“…Shin Jaeyoung won.”
“Wow, I’m touched. At least you’ve got some integrity, huh?”
“Integrity?”
“I figured I’d be pissed if you acted like some slut. That Park Sion bastard talked big, but look at him now.”
Kim Shinju’s thick finger came down on my head like he was praising a pet.
Yeah. I’d always just been that kind of thing to these bastards. Not once had I ever stood on equal ground with them. I wasn’t their peer or friend. To them, I was like a cute puppy, like a fun toy to mess with. Nothing more or less than a special kind of plaything.
I blinked slowly. I wasn’t even angry. I just kept feeling blank. Kim Shinju seemed pleased that I was quietly accepting his touch. He looked happy. I lifted my gaze to look up at him—this man who had never once seen me at eye level—and thought of Park Sion.
“He really said that? That he could seduce me?”
Did he really believe in that pretty face and smooth-talking tongue of his? Yeah, I was weak to that bastard’s face. That’s why I’d listened, even when he spouted bullshit. Just one pained expression and I’d feel weak and break down.
At my question, Kim Shinju rolled his eyes upward, as if trying to recall something.
“That bastard’s crafty as hell. Seducing someone like you? Child’s play. When he told me he could get your clothes off, he said something about the sun and the wind. Like, out of some fable or whatever.”
“……”
“Fuck, when he said that, that smug bastard was seriously fucking annoying…”
Kim Shinju ground his teeth and fumed. Fucking idiot. He didn’t even realize that the fable had been a metaphor about the two of them.
I felt like I didn’t need to hear any more. I’d taken enough of a beating from all the filthy things being said. Just then, people entered the smoking room. I immediately turned my back and slipped out. Kim Shinju grabbed my arm.
“What, where’re you going?”
“I’m leaving. I’m done with you.”
“The fuck, I save your ass from getting dumped by Park Sion and now you’re dumping me?”
I looked down at the arm he’d grabbed. My vision kept spinning.
“…Just let me go. You can hit me once if you want.”
“Look at that face. You’ve completely lost it, huh.”
“If you’re not gonna hit me, I’m leaving.”
I turned around, but Kim Shinju gripped me harder. Glancing around nervously, he leaned in and whispered by my ear.
“If you’re gonna get hit, want it to be with my lips?”
“……”
“Let’s go to the bathroom.”
“Ha…”
“What? You said I could hit you.”
“…You’re fucking insane. You’re all seriously… too much…”
The words came bursting out from deep inside my chest. I didn’t even have the strength left to hold onto my pride. My lips just kept trembling.
The hand gripping my arm radiated a disgusting heat. As I looked at Kim Shinju’s back leading the way, as if he was about to drag me to the bathroom at any moment, I remembered what Kim Youngjin had taught me.
Shift your weight forward, pull your arm straight back toward your body. If that doesn’t work, bite his ear. And if you have to, go for the balls.
But I had no intention of going through steps one and two.
“Kim Shinju. Hey.”
He turned around at my call. I raised my leg with all the strength I had and kicked him square in the groin.
“AAAGHH!”
A sharp scream erupted. Everyone turned to look at me. Kim Shinju’s face twisted in pain. The hand that had been grabbing me dropped away. The bastard collapsed to the ground without even trying to reach for me. Maybe it hurt so much he couldn’t even curse—he just panted for breath. But even seeing him like that didn’t feel satisfying.
“Disgusting fuck.”
I ran out of the PC bang. My legs trembled so badly I nearly fell several times on the stairs. As soon as I stepped outside, the cool autumn wind brushed against me. I hunched over instinctively.
Shivering in the cold wind, I recalled the Aesop’s fable Park Sion had used to compare himself and Kim Shinju—the sun and the wind, trying to make a traveler remove his coat.
Yeah. In that story, it isn’t the wind that makes the traveler take off his coat. The harder the wind blows, the tighter the traveler clutches it.
“No weird schemes. I’m not trying to mess with you. I just want to be close to you.”
The traveler who shrinks under strong winds relaxes his shoulders beneath the dazzling sun. When warmth blossoms on his shoulders, the traveler willingly shrugs off his coat. That’s why the winner of the story is the sun, and the loser is the wind.
Kim Shinju was the wind. I curled up, trying to escape his forceful touch. On the other hand, Park Sion was the sun. He’d always gently wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I was so drunk on that warmth, I’d come to like him passionately. If I hadn’t met Kim Shinju today, I might’ve willingly taken off my clothes for him soon.
Should I thank Kim Shinju, then? Thanks to that bastard, I avoided the nightmare of getting fucked from behind. Could there be a more fucked-up irony?
As I walked home, I picked up my phone. There was one last thing I had to confirm. Kim Youngjin had known the truth behind everything and stayed silent. Right now, he was the only person I could possibly still trust. If even Kim Youngjin said the same things as Kim Shinju, then there would be no reason left to believe in Park Sion.
— …Hey, Yoon Seonwoo.
“Kim Youngjin.”
— Huh? Wha—what’s up?
“You knew everything, didn’t you.”
Kim Youngjin instantly understood what I meant. I could hear nothing but his hesitant breathing over the phone.
“I heard it all from Kim Shinju. Was he telling the truth? Just answer that.”
— Uh, Seonwoo, I…
“Did Park Sion make a bet with Shin Jaeyoung to fuck me? Is that why you taught me that bullshit self-defense move?”
— ……
“Answer me!”
— Th-the…
“Fucking hell, why aren’t you answering?!”
— I-I’m sorry…
Youngjin’s voice trembled.
You should’ve been the one to tell me. You would’ve filtered your words, tried your best not to hurt me. If I’d heard it from you instead of that asshole Kim Shinju, it wouldn’t have hurt this much. At least I wouldn’t have had to flinch at every vulgar word. So it should’ve been you. Not that bastard. You.
“Why, why didn’t you tell me…”
— …I’m sorry. I just… I thought…
“Forget it.”
But no matter how much I regretted it or blamed him, nothing would change. I hung up before I ended up pouring all my emotions onto the wrong person. My phone vibrated again. I turned it off entirely.
I rubbed my ear with my palm. For some reason, that crashing sound kept ringing in my head like tinnitus. Was this what it sounded like when the world collapsed? Even something like this, and my whole world was falling apart.